Behind The Mask
by LoriEchelon
Summary: But if there was one thing James excelled at, it was pasting on a fake smile, tossing out some of his legendary charm, and hiding all of his pain behind the mask of the vain pretty boy. He'd played the part for so long that he almost believed it himself most days. Until he was alone again at least, with nothing but the dark thoughts to accompany him.
1. Prologue

_**A/N**__: OOC. AU. Big Time Rush is a rock band, not a boy band, living in NYC by themselves, not LA with Kendall's mom. They started the band in HS and got discovered the summer after their senior year, quickly rising to become one of the biggest rock bands around. Carlos is the drummer, Logan is on bass, James is backup guitar guitar, keyboard and vocals and Kendall is lead guitar and vocals. This story takes place after they've returned from a world tour promoting their third album. They're all roughly twenty-five in this fic._

* * *

James sighed heavily, debating the stupidity of what he was about to do before giving an internal shrug and swallowing down the whiskey with ease, relishing the familiar and comforting burn. Mixing Xanax and alcohol wasn`t the best idea if you wanted to remember your night, but luckily for James he had no intention of waking up with memories. That was kind of the point of drinking to forget.

It wasn`t that James had a problem with alcohol, or drugs for that matter. But every once in a while he felt the need for an escape, a way to forget about his actual addictions, his real problems. The ones he kept buried so deep that even his best friends and band mates hadn't a clue they existed. But if there was one thing James excelled at, it was pasting on a fake smile, tossing out some of his legendary charm, and hiding all of his pain behind the mask of the vain pretty boy. He'd played the part for so long that he almost believed it himself most days. Until he was alone again at least, with nothing but the dark thoughts to accompany him. The voices that never had anything nice to say, the ones that encouraged him to destroy himself, pointing out every flaw, every mistake.

* * *

"James! Believe it or not I'd like to shower at some point today," Kendall pounded the bathroom door for the tenth time, growing even more agitated with his roommate. He raised his fist to pound again but met only air as James chose that moment to come strolling out, flashing Kendall a thousand watt smile as he tugged the sleeves of his black thermal down further.

"All yours," He said, smiling innocently.

"Dick," Kendall muttered, shouldering past him and slamming the bathroom door.

The second the door shut behind Kendall James' smile vanished. Unless he was pretending for the benefit of those around him James couldn`t find much of a reason to smile and be happy anymore. The depression and self loathing settled around him like a thick fog anytime he was alone, choking him with the emptiness he felt inside. But James did what he always did, the only thing he really could do. Shoved the feelings down deep, refused to acknowledge their existence and played the role everyone expected of him.

It wasn't like he had anyone he could confide in. What was he supposed to say? I'm a member of one the biggest rock bands in the world, I have groupies throwing themselves at me night and day, I have more money than I know what to do with, and can get absolutely anything I want with a snap of my fingers, but I still hate myself and wish for death most days? Yeah, he'd just end up sounding like exactly what he was; a whiny, spoiled rockstar.

Heaving a weary sigh, James yanked on a pair of faded jeans over his boxer briefs, shed the thermal for a white tee, shrugged into his favorite worn, black leather jacket and shoved his feet into a pair of beat up motorcycle boots. Perching a pair of Aviator sunglasses on top of his perfectly styled hair he glanced in the full length mirror. He certainly looked the part of the cocky, playboy rockstar, regardless of the fact that he felt like anything but. He was ready to trudge through another day, once again being the only one who knew how much of a lie his image really was. He was a good enough of an actor that even his best friends believed this was who he truly was. And he planned to keep it that way.


	2. Thread

"Thank you, New York!" James yelled into the microphone, signaling the end of the concert. The lights lowered and with a final wave he jogged backstage, meeting up with the rest of the band.

"Definitely one of our best performances," Logan commented, Carlos nodding eagerly next to him. Kendall agreed enthusiastically, while James just smirked and excused himself for the bathroom.

He barely had time to lock the door before his hands were gripping the sides of the toilet hard enough to turn his knuckles white, and his entire night`s contents were spilling into the bowl before him.

After a few agonizing minutes, James shoved himself away from the porcelain with a groan. He clutched at his stomach for a moment before deciding his time was up and shakily raising to his feet. He exited the restroom to be met with the stares of Logan, Carlos and Kendall.

"You okay?" Kendall asked, worry etched in his eyebrows.

James faked a smile and responded. "Yeah, I`ve just had to take a piss since the fourth song," He lied through expert teeth.

"Oh, man, I feel ya," Logan empathized. "Remember that show in Pittsburgh a few weeks ago? I realized halfway through the first song I forgot to piss. It was horrible, I could barely focus on the chord progression."

"Well gentlemen," Kendall said changing subjects as he tossed an arm around James and an arm around Logan. "The tour is over, we don't start work on the new album until January, so we officially have the next three months free. Ish." He added as afterthought since there would still be TV Spots, magazine shoots, interviews and who knew what else.

"Thank God," Carlos commented. "Don't know about you guys, but I could sure use a break."

Logan and Kendall nodded in agreement, no one noticing that James was less than enthused about a three month break. To James it sounded like three months of hell. The past few years he'd felt like he was only holding onto his sanity by a thin, easily breakable thread. And that thread was connected to being so busy writing music for their albums, recording the songs and touring nonstop. He feared that three months with barely anything to fill them and not much to keep him distracted just might snap that thread.

* * *

James stood at the bar with his bandmates as they raised their bottles of beer in a toast to the end of an extremely successful world tour. It didn't take long for Logan and Kendall to wander off in search of their respective girlfriends and Carlos was quickly distracted by a blonde at the other end of the bar. Waggling his eyebrows at James he made his way down to her, striking up a conversation and giving James a thumbs up. James shook his head, and turned his attention to the_ No Smoking_ sign hanging tauntingly above the bar. If there was one thing he hated about New York...

_Fuck it_, James thought. There were some perks to being a rock star, after all. He pulled a pack of Marlboros out of his pocket and lit one, inhaling the smoke and ignoring the glare from the bartender, since he knew he wouldn't risk kicking James Diamond out of the bar. Wouldn't be very good for business after all.

"Excuse me," A voice said next to James. He turned his head to find himself pleasantly surprised with the redhead standing next to him. "Do you have to do that?" She asked, placing a perfectly manicured hand on a thin hip.

"What, be so good looking? Yeah, sorry, I kinda can't help it," James responded flirtatiously, ashing his cigarette in his empty beer bottle.

The girl looked like she was about to respond with a bitchy comeback before recognition lit up in her eyes. "Hey, I know you."

"Doubtful. But I'm sure you know who I am," James said.

After that it didn't take James more than three witty comments, two perfectly timed compliments and one suggestion for them to be leaving the bar and heading back to her apartment.

* * *

James yanked his pants up over his hips, and threw his shirt on as the girl who's name he still couldn't remember turned on the bedside lamp, bathing the room in a soft glow for the first time.

"Why are you in such a hurry. You're welcome to stay the night," The redhead patted the empty spot next to her on the bed seductively.

James gave a dry chuckle. "Sweetheart, I don't do sleepovers."

The girl looked taken aback, but gave another flirty smile. "Well don't you want my number?" She asked.

"Why?" James scoffed. "It's not like I would call you. Thanks for letting me get my dick wet, though," He added as an afterthought. Ignoring the girls shocked and hurt expression he grabbed his wallet, cell phone and keys off the table. "Bye," He said, as he strolled out of her door and into the lit up streets up New York City.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should feel like a jerk for the way he treated women as such disposable objects, but he couldn't muster up the guilt. To James, sex was just another distraction, another way to keep the voices at bay, to keep the depression and thoughts from drowning him. And it's not like the girls weren't willing participants, anyway. The only complaints he ever received during the act was 'It's too big'.

* * *

"And the man whore returns!" Kendall fake cheered from his spot on the couch as James opened the door to the band's shared apartment.

James rolled his eyes. "I have to get my own place," He muttered, dodging the couch pillow Kendall threw at him.

"So what was this one's name?" Logan questioned, raising his eyebrows mischievously. All three of the boys in the room knew James wouldn't know.

"Shut up," James grumbled, knocking Kendall's legs off the table and settling down next to his best friend.

"Well Carlos got a name. And a phone number," Carlos proudly held up a bar napkin with the name Jennifer written on it and a set of digits underneath.

James couldn't help but snort in laughter as he took the napkin from his friend. "Dude, phone numbers have seven digits. This is only six. Sorry buddy," He patted his back, handing the napkin back.

"Dammit," Carlos swore.

Still laughing, James rose from the couch. "And on that note, I'm going to bed. Better luck next time, Carlitos," He grinned, walking into his bedroom and shutting the door firmly.

James stripped down to his boxer briefs, searching out his sleeping pills, finally finding them buried in the bottom of his sock drawer. Shaking a couple out in his hand he swallowed them without water and was just putting them back when his bedroom door banged open unexpectedly, causing him to whirl around, annoyed.

"What the fuck?" He asked Kendall, who stood in the doorway, simultaneously grabbing his thermal he discarded on the floor that morning and hurriedly throwing it on.

"Sorry," Kendall apologized, sounding not the least bit sorry.

The pair stood there glaring at each other until James broke the silence. "Can I help you with something?"

Kendall leaned against the door frame, sighing. "What are you doing, James?"

"Uh, going to bed," James replied.

Kendall shook his head. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

James stalked over to his friend, lightly shoving him out of his bedroom. "Goodnight, _mom_," He said sarcastically, slamming the door and locking it.

But Kendall's question echoed in James mind until the pills lulled him off to neverland. What exactly _was_ he doing?


	3. Worry

James was enjoying a deep, dreamless sleep thanks to his pills when he shot up out of bed, startled awake by Iggy Pop singing extremely loudly about a lust for life directly in his right ear. "What the hell, man?" He questioned a laughing Kendall, swatting the phone out of his friend's hand and successfully knocking it to the floor.

"Dude. It's past noon. Get out of bed."

"My door was freaking locked you prick, how'd you get in?" James accused, still pissed.

Kendall held up a bobby pin that James could only hope Jo or Camille left behind at some point. Otherwise, James was going to be forced to have a very serious discussion with Kendall regarding the length of his bangs.

"Really? You picked my lock just to wake me up with Iggy and the Stooges?"

Kendall nodded, not even having the decency to look ashamed.

James shot his newfound enemy an evil look and raked a hand through his morning hair, silently vowing to never forgive Kendall for this. James wasn't really much of a morning person.

"Damn!" Kendall exclaimed suddenly, grabbing James' left wrist and pulling it closer to inspect it. "What the hell happened to your arm?" He asked, hoping there was a logical explanation other than the one he currently feared for the burn marks littered on the inside of James' wrist and forearm.

James jerked his arm out of Kendall's grasp. "Fell asleep with a lit cigarette the other night, burned the fuck out of myself," He explained through gritted teeth, growing agitated with Kendall.

Kendall gave him an odd expression, looking like he didn't quite believe his longtime friend. But having no proof, he just bit his tongue and responded, "Oh. Okay. Well maybe you shouldn't smoke in bed anymore. I'd rather not die in a house fire in the middle of the night."

James just grunted in response and gave a pointed look towards his open door. Kendall held his hands up in surrender, taking the hint. He gave James a quick glance over his shoulder as he exited his room, unable to shake the nagging feeling that he was being lied to by someone who'd never been anything but honest with him before.

* * *

James swore, leaning back into his pillows and contemplating getting a deadbolt for his bedroom door. He'd never outright lied to Kendall before. Hell, even the night before he really had needed to take a piss the whole show, so that wasn't a technical lie. Sure for the past few years he'd been hiding a decent bit from not only Kendall but Logan and Carlos as well, but he'd never blatantly lied to Kendall's face in the entire twenty-two years they'd known each other. When they were eight and he'd accidentally broken Kendall's favorite toy, he'd immediately come clean. When they were fourteen and Kendall had accused him of cheating on the math quiz, James hadn't even contemplated lying to Kendall. When they were nineteen and Kendall's girlfriend at the time had made a move on James he'd promptly called Kendall to tell him, even though he knew he risked alienating Kendall if the other teen had believed the girl over him.

But this was also the first time James had ever deemed it absolutely necessary in his mind to lie to Kendall. It was for his own good, anyway. Kendall wouldn't really want to know how James had received the cigarette burns all over his arms. There was a lot of things James was doing and thinking and feeling lately that he knew he couldn't risk any of his bandmates finding out about, especially Kendall. They'd always had an effortless and comfortable friendship and James wasn't about to put that in jeopardy just because he felt sad on occasion. The last thing he wanted was Kendall's, or anyone's for that matter, worry and pity.

James groaned to himself silently, wondering not for the first time what exactly it was that set him so far apart from his friends and bandmates. Why was it that they found it so simple and easy to be happy and carefree when James himself found it difficult to make it through the day without punishing himself in some way?

He got a chord wrong during practice? That was the tip of a cigarette being held against his skin. His voice cracked unexpectedly during the last chorus? That resulted in the sharpest of blades being held against his hipbone hours later, digging agonizingly deep; causing the crimson river that James so desperately craved to flow from deep within.

James couldn't even begin to fathom, much less explain, the extreme, soul sucking hate he felt for himself every single second of every day. Deep down he knew the world would be better off without him in it. Most of the time, James Diamond's biggest regret was that he apparently didn't possess the guts to put a bullet in his brain.

* * *

"Alright, I give. You've been distant all day. I thought you'd be totally psyched on your first completely free day in months. What's going on?" Jo finally questioned her boyfriend of five years.

Kendall took a deep breath before replying with a one word answer that in his mind, explained everything. "James."

Jo took the response in stride, proving her acting skills when she didn't let on to her boyfriend how much his answer annoyed her. She couldn't help it. She'd always tried her best not to be jealous of James, she knew that was ridiculous, but at the same time she was growing tired of feeling like the third wheel in her own relationship.

James and Kendall had more history and inside jokes than any pair of friends she'd ever met. The two of them could simply look at each other and crack up; knowing exactly what the other one was thinking, feeling and remembering at that moment. It was hard not to feel like you didn't belong when you were in the same room as James and Kendall. In fact, the only thing that kept Jo from becoming some ultra jealous, overbearing girlfriend was that she knew Kendall was completely, without a doubt, straight. At least she thought she did. And anyways, James enjoyed pussy way too much to ever consider giving it up.

"What about James?" Jo eventually responded.

"I don't know. He's just...not James anymore, ya know? I feel like I barely know the guy these days." Kendall shrugged.

"He seems fine to me," Jo responded, trying to keep the venom out of her voice.

"Yeah, well, you don't know him like I do," Kendall snapped, surprised at the anger in his voice and the exasperation he currently felt towards the girl he was in love with. "Sorry," he immediately added sheepishly. "Guess I'm just on edge lately."

Jo gave Kendall a half-hearted smile. "It's okay," She lied. Taking a deep breath, she decided to take the high road. Just because she was being petty about James' and Kendall's relationship didn't mean she didn't also care about James. "What exactly makes you think anything is wrong with James?"

If there was one thing Jo knew about her man, it was that he was logical to a fault. He didn't jump to conclusions. He observed and analyzed a situation before reaching a decision. If Kendall was voicing his concern over something, that wasn't to be taken lightly.

Kendall sighed deeply, waging a silent battle within about how truthful to be with Jo before the part of him that was worried for the well being of his best friend took over. "A lot of little things. But then this morning I caught a glimpse of his left arm. It's covered in cigarette burns. He told me he fell asleep smoking, but they weren't all fresh, ya know? Some looked scabbed over, others were simply old scars, and a good bit of them looked to be recent." Kendall stopped to light a cigarette, ignoring the way Jo wrinkled her nose in distaste, then continued. "Then I started to think about it. I can't remember the last time I saw James without long sleeves or a jacket on. Two, three years ago, I was forever walking into the apartment to find him passed out half naked with some random girl draped over him. He used to always be shirtless or have on a wife beater. Now I can't even remember the last time I saw him in a T-shirt."

"You don't think," Jo began, only to have Kendall cut her off.

"Yeah, I do."

* * *

James wished he could shut his brain off. It wasn't helping; it never did. The usual darkness was now taken over by worry. Had Kendall believed his lie? Did Kendall suspect what was going on? What else would Kendall now be suspicious of? Was Kendall finally beginning to put the pieces together? Was his mask about to be ripped away from his face, exposing him for the fraud he truly was?

Standing in the shower, James let the steam curl up around him and the scalding hot water beat down on his back as his worries encompassed him. For over nine years he hid his secrets, he hid himself. It couldn't all be coming apart now, could it?

A misplaced anger came over James. Stupid, prying Kendall. Stupid Kendall who had no boundaries and didn't understand the need for privacy. _Stupid. Fucking. Kendall._

James opened his eyes and they immediately landed on his razor, sitting innocently on the edge of the tub. Without thinking, James reached down, gripping the disposable razor in his hand and snapping the cheap plastic with ease. A few more snaps and he'd completely freed one of the five blades from their plastic constraints.

Without a second thought James did the only thing he knew would give him release right then. He held the sharp razor blade between his thumb and forefinger, pressing it into his skin where thigh met hip. Dragging it against his skin he finally breathed as he felt the familiar sting that reminded him that for whatever reason he was still alive. He wasn't dead yet. He repeated the motions until he finally began to feel the tension and stress leave his mind, exiting his body in the blood that trickled down his leg, mixing with the water before circling the drain and disappearing, just like his worries.


	4. Pills

Kendall banged into the apartment as James was coming out of the bathroom, his features unreadable. Kendall glanced around, noting the quietness that surrounded them, and guessed that it was just him and James home. "Hey J, can I talk to you a minute?"

James stiffened, and without even turning to look at Kendall replied, "Sorry, man, no time. I'm headed to the gym."

"You just got out of the shower," Kendall pointed out.

James finally turned to look at Kendall, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "Yeah, well, I decided I wanted to go to the gym after I'd already gotten in the shower."

"Meaning right after I asked you if we could talk?" Kendall retorted.

James just shook his head. "Whatever, K. I'm out. Later." James stalked out of the apartment, slamming the front door behind him, and leaving a slightly miffed Kendall alone.

He cursed out loud, just as Logan came in the door. "Problems?" Logan questioned. "I passed a rather pissed off looking James in the hallway." He added.

"That's cause he's a douchebag," Kendall stated matter of factly.

"Kendall, we've talked about this. You can't hold your feelings in like this, it's unhealthy," Logan joked.

Kendall made a face. "Well it's true," He grumbled.

"Okay, fine, it's true. Why exactly is James a douchebag?"

Kendall toyed with the idea of telling Logan what he'd told Jo, but decided against it. He'd really rather talk to James before involving Logan or Carlos, on the off-chance he was mistaken and jumping to conclusions. No need to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

"He just is," Kendall said, sounding like a sulking five-year old even to his own ears. "Where's Animal?" Kendall changed subjects, using their nickname for Carlos which referenced Animal from _The Muppets_. Between the insane drum playing and the even crazier attitude the nickname fit him perfectly.

Logan shrugged, eyeing his friend suspiciously. "You sure you and James are okay?"

"We're friends. Friends fight," Kendall bit out a tad more sharply than he meant to.

Logan let out a snort of laughter accompanied by a disbelieving look. "Not you and James. In the entire fifteen years I've known you guys, the only arguments you've ever had have been over writing songs, James spending too much time in the bathroom and you're haircut."

Kendall let out a harsh sigh. "It's nothing. Promise. I think we've both just seen the other too much lately, what with being in a band together, bunking together on the tour bus, sharing hotel rooms, and spending a good three-quarters of our downtime in each other's presence."

Logan was pretty smart, and he could tell when he wasn't going to get a straight answer. "All right, buddy. Well, you know if you need someone to vent to, I'm here, okay?"

"I know. Thanks, Lo," Kendall responded. "Hey before I forget, Jo wants to double date with you and Camille tomorrow."

"Sounds good. I'll run it by Camille, but I don't see why it'd be an issue.

* * *

James dropped the weights down, breathing heavily and relishing in the feeling only a good workout could give him. To James, stretching his body to its absolute physical limits was one of the best feeling in the world. He loved to feel the burn and dull ache in his muscles after a hard workout session. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and glanced at the wall clock. He'd been at the gym for almost four hours, but still felt unsatisfied with himself. He knew he could push himself farther, endure more. Quickly making up his mind, he headed towards Central Park, knowing a full loop through would give him over six miles to run and clear his head before heading back to Kendall's worried looks and probing questions.

After running a full loop James still hadn't quieted his mind. Glancing at the stopwatch on his phone he noticed that he was down to roughly a five and a half minute mile. Deciding again he could expect more from himself, he pushed his body on, ignoring his protesting muscles as he completed two, three, four laps for a total of almost twenty-five miles before collapsing into a park bench, covered in a thin sheen of sweat and trying to catch his breath.

It'd been almost eight hours since he'd stormed out on Kendall, and he hoped the blonde had dropped his prying ways or wasn't home at all, cause he could really use a shower. He was pretty sure he could smell himself by now and it was none too pleasant.

With a groan of protest from his worn out body, James shoved himself off the park bench, put his earbuds back in, cranked up the Rob Zombie, and began a slow jog back home.

* * *

Reluctantly, James placed his hand loosely on the doorknob to his apartment. Steeling himself, he opened the door with a slow creak, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when it looked like none of his bandmates were home.

"Hello?" James called out cautiously, clicking the door closed quietly behind him. He let himself completely relax when he got no response, taking that as confirmation that he had the place to himself.

Without hesitation, he stripped off his sweat soaked wife beater and gym shorts, tossing them haphazardly in the corner of his room where he grabbed his `Cuda deodorant and body spray before making his way towards his and Kendall`s shared bathroom in his boxer briefs.

Stepping under the water for the second time that day he allowed it to beat down on his sore muscles, easing away their tension and pain.

James got so lost in how good his shower felt that his brain didn't register the sound of the front door opening. It also didn't alert James to the bathroom door opening and closing until it was too late.

"Hey James, got a minute to talk now?" Kendall's voice cut through James' relaxed mind causing him to jump and bang his knee on the faucet.

"What the actual fuck?" He seethed out loud, poking his head out of the curtain, shooting Kendall a dirty look.

"Can`t run away now," Kendall smirked at his best friend with a smart ass grin.

"Watch me," James snapped. "Hand me a fuckin' towel."

"Nope."

"Are you goddamn serious right now?" James thundered, contemplating murder.

"Yup."

"I hope you die a slow, painful, agonizing death, just like you deserve," James muttered.

"All you have to do, J, is give me an answer I'm satisfied with, and I'll leave you alone forever."

"What's the fucking question?"

"What's up with the burn marks on your arm? If they're all from you falling asleep while smoking why aren't they in the same stage of healing?" Kendall couldn't be bothered to sugarcoat anything.

"Because I drink a lot, and therefore pass out with lit cigarettes a lot," James gritted out. "Towel." He commanded.

Kendall clenched his jaw and tried not to lose his cool with the other male. "Really, James?" He eventually asked in a defeated voice.

"Yup. Towel."

All Kendall wanted was to help his friend, but how did you help someone who wouldn't even admit he needed help. "No need," Kendall replied after a couple of minutes of silence. "I'm leaving," He added in a soft voice.

* * *

Kendall exited the bathroom, contemplating his next move. He knew James would be in the bathroom for a while longer, and Logan and Carlos still weren't home. Which gave him the perfect opportunity to sort through James' stuff. Pushing his nagging conscience away, Kendall made up his mind and creeped into James' bedroom.

He started off at James' sock drawer since he'd seen the way his friend had jumped the night before when he'd been standing there and Kendall had barged in. Moving socks out of the way he quickly came across a whole mess of pill bottles.

"Jackpot," He said to himself, pulling one out and reading the label. _Ambien_. Sleeping pills. Nothing unexpected there, James had always been a light sleeper, susceptible to long bouts of insomnia. He pulled out the next bottle. _Xanax_. Again, nothing he was too surprised about, James may never admit it, but Kendall knew he had issues with anxiety and when they'd first started playing live shows he used to always take a Xanax to calm himself before taking the stage.

Growing frustrated he pulled out a different bottle. _Oxycontin_. That one was a little more worrisome until Kendall looked at the date it was prescribed and noticed it was from a year ago when James had broken his arm in a snowboarding accident.

"C'mon, there's gotta be _something_," Kendall muttered to himself, searching out five new bottles and lining them up on the top of the dresser, carefully reading the labels. _Dianabol. Anadrol. Halotestin. Virilon. Winstrol._ Kendall had never even heard of any of these medications. He stole a glance towards the door and listened until he was sure he could still hear running water coming from the direction of the bathroom. Pulling his phone out of his pocket he brought up Google and one by one typed in the names listed on the orange pill bottles. _Steroids_. They were all fucking steroids. Well, that certainly explained how James had bulked up so much in the past few years.

Kendall repeated his question from the night before. "What are you _doing_, James?"

With a heavy heart Kendall replaced the pill bottles, not even bothering to examine the ones he hadn't pulled out yet, no longer sure he wanted to know.


	5. Anger

As soon as he heard the door lock into place behind Kendall, James let loose with a string of curse words. Alright, so Kendall obviously had a pretty good idea that the burns weren't accidental. But, he had no proof and he also didn't seem to be aware of anything else. Gotta look on the bright side, right?

Internally, James merely scoffed, knowing he was only kidding himself. He'd known Kendall since they were three. When the guy got an idea in his head he didn't tend to let it go that easily. He'd be bothering James every second of every day, peppering him with questions like a dog with a bone, worrying after him, snooping..._oh shit_. Snooping.

James yanked the water off so hard he almost pulled the faucet out of the wall in his hurry to get out of the shower. He barely even took the time to towel off, throwing on a pair of grey sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt, rushing out of the bathroom. He offered up a silent thanks to a God he wasn't sure he believed in when he saw Kendall relaxing on the couch in the living room, idly flipping through the channels on the TV.

Kendall glanced up from his spot on the couch and opened his mouth to say something but Carlos and Logan chose that moment to arrive home, laughing as they stumbled through the door, visibly tipsy.

_Saved by the drunken roommates_, James thought to himself, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out at Kendall like child and taunt 'Nah, nah, nah, nah. nah!'

"James! Carlos got seven digits! And the area code!" Logan announced as a proud Carlos held up his phone for proof.

"Awesome job, Animal. She hot?"

"Smoking!" Carlos grinned. "Hey," he added, looking between Kendall and James. "We are all actually home at a time other than four AM. Movie night?"

James began hemming and hawing while Kendall tried to stutter out excuses.

"Nope. We're doing this," Logan decided. "What are we watching?" He addressed Carlos.

Carlos put a finger up to his chin in an exaggeration of being lost in thought. "Hmmmmm. Oh, I know! Avengers!"

"Again?" Kendall and James groaned in unison.

Carlos responded with a firm yes while Logan nodded eagerly next to him.

"Fine," The other two reluctantly agreed.

* * *

James sat stiffly next to Kendall, urging himself not to itch the burns on his arm that screamed for relief, and forcing himself not to flinch every time the elastic on his sweatpants rubbed the deep cuts on his abdomen painfully.

He also pretended not to notice the worried, anxious looks Kendall kept shooting him out of his peripherals, refusing to turn his head and meet the other's eyes.

Kendall couldn't help but continuously glance at James. Armed with this new found information, his concern for his lifelong friend only grew. He could practically feel the tensions radiating off the guy next to him. He knew James as well as he knew himself, or at least he thought he had, and he knew James would never admit anything was wrong. That was just who he was. Fiercely independent, almost to a fault, James would never ask for help or confess that something was going on. He had a tendency to keep things bottled up, never telling anyone when things were bad. Kendall had always assumed that was why James worked out so much, or slept with so many women, because after holding everything in all the time he needed some way to release all the stress and emotions he kept buried so deep inside. Now Kendall was afraid James might be getting his feelings out in a much more destructive and terrifying manner, one that he hadn't previously expected.

Anytime Kendall had ever tried to get James to open up before, he was always met with the same stubborn resistance. James was selfless to the point where it was harmful. He had no interest in looking out for himself, and would put his own thoughts and troubles to the side in a heartbeat in order to help someone in need, especially if that someone was a friend. Kendall had never thought much of it before. He'd always taken James' generous nature for granted, since that was always who James had been, always how he'd acted. It was simply the norm for James, and those who were close with him knew this. As much as his friend came across to the world as some self-involved, vain, pretty-boy man-whore, Kendall knew that you couldn't ask for a better friend. James never hesitated to be there for him, be it when his dad had passed away when they were fourteen, or something as simple as when they'd lost a hockey game in high school. James was always there, always willing to listen if need be, or simply just to be a distraction, doing anything and everything to elicit a grin from Kendall and get him to laugh and stop thinking about his worries.

Looking back, Kendall realized he'd never been given the chance to do the same for James, even though he would have without a moment's hesitation. James had never come to him with a problem, never complained to him, never asked for advice, never broken down or been anything less than happy and flawless in front of him. Any issue James had ever had had been dealt with the same way. A quiet determination, no admittance of any difficulty in the first place and a smile that, looking back, Kendall had to admit had never quite reached James' hazel eyes. He couldn't help but wonder what else James was hiding, what other troubles the man sitting next to him had dealt with in his life that he'd never bothered to share. Kendall felt a little hurt that James apparently didn't trust him enough to come to him before things got to the point they had currently reached. He couldn't wondered why James seemed to find it easier to inflict physical pain upon himself than simply turning to Kendall and admitting that he needed help. Didn't he know Kendall would be there immediately, with nothing but an open heart and no judgement?

He looked over at James again, and noticed him lightly rubbing his arm and grimacing. Standing up, Kendall walked into their shared bathroom, searching around until he found a tube of anti-itch cream before heading back into the living room and handing the tube over to James silently as he sat back down next to him.

James gave Kendall an expression mixed with gratitude, shame and even some guilt, but took the bottle nonetheless. He cast an apprehensive glance at Carlos and Logan, but they were too enthralled with the movie to notice anything out of the ordinary. James turned his head, making eye contact with Kendall for the briefest of moments and then readjusting himself so he could push up his sleeve to apply the cream while still keeping the burn marks out of Kendall's eyesight.

Pocketing the cream after he'd applied a thick coat, James made a decision, quickly standing up. "Sorry to ruin movie night guys, but I had a long workout today and I'm tired, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Night." Without waiting for any responses, James made haste towards his bedroom, going to shut the door only to be stopped by Kendall's foot in the way.

"Kendall, please. Not now," James begged sounding drained.

Kendall ignored him and let himself into his friend's bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind them. "I'm not gonna bug you for answers or try to force you to talk to me," Kendall promised. "I just need to know you're ok. I'm worried, James. You know I'm always here for you, right? If you need anything you know all you have to do is ask, right?"

"I know, K. But I promise, I'm fine. These burns aren't what you think, ok? They're really no big deal, just me being stupid. I just need to quit smoking when I drink," James said the last part with a forced chuckle, trying to make light of a situation that was anything but.

"James, _please_. Please talk to me," Kendall pleaded, green eyes filled with unease.

"Seriously, man. There's nothing to talk about. You worry too much. Thanks for the burn cream, but I promise, I'm fine."

Kendall sighed heavily. That was the second time in twenty-four hours his best friend had lied to his face. Deciding now wasn't the time to bring up the steroids, Kendall figured it would be best to let it drop and try again later. He could almost see James shutting down and building up his walls in front of him.

"Okay," Kendall eventually responded. "Just…just please, James. Don't forget that I'm here for anything you need. Even if all you need is a shoulder to lean on or a friendly ear. I'm here. I always have been and I always will be," Kendall reminded him, reaching out a hand and giving the other one's shoulder a quick squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here if you decide you want to talk. Good night," Kendall added, trying not to sound as disappointed as he felt before letting himself out of James' room and heading into his own bedroom without so much as a wave towards Carlos and Logan, who still sat obliviously on the couch, engrossed in _The Avengers._

* * *

James waited a beat after Kendall left before locking his door and rushing over to his sock drawer. He opened the top drawer, steeling himself, but let out a sigh of relief when he noticed it look virtually untouched. Everything was still there, and as far as he could tell it was as he'd left, the bottles in the correct order, nothing really seemed out of place. Still not completely convinced his friend hadn't been snooping around he checked his desk, relieved to find all his papers also untouched. The last thing James wanted now was Kendall stumbling across the steroids or the stack of restraining orders, police reports and lawyer bills. He'd kept that last secret longer than any of his others, and seeing as it wasn't even an issue anymore he really didn't want Kendall discovering what had really gone on behind closed doors during their childhood. The root of all his current problems. There was really no sense in delving into that now, it was resolved. He was over it, he had dealt with it. Bringing that up would do no one any good and would just be pointless. No, that definitely wasn't something Kendall ever needed to know about.

After thinking about it, James decided it was better to be safe than sorry, and started gathering everything up. All the papers and files, the pills, the razor blades, the scraps of paper with the song lyrics he wasn't brave enough to do make into actual songs to perform with the band. Putting them all together, he pulled out an expensive metal lock box that required a key to open and was virtually unbreakable with a lock that even a professional would have a hard time picking. Shoving everything into the box, he locked it and stored it in the back of his closet, hidden behind a bunch of sports equipment, and hiding the key in a small tear on the underside of his mattress.

Shoving aside his building guilt about continuously lying to and hiding things from Kendall, James stripped down, threw on a pair of boxer briefs, and crawled under his covers, attempting to fall asleep without the aid of his sleeping pills for the first time in a long while.

* * *

A few hours later, Kendall paced his room, nursing a bottle of beer, his eighth or ninth of the evening, he wasn't really sure anymore. Generally, Kendall wasn't a big drinker. He'd have a couple beers at the end of the night, or do a couple shots at the bar with his friends, but when it came to getting drunk, Kendall could count the number of times he'd accomplished that feat on one hand. He just didn't see the point. He was always annoyed by the people at the party or bar who were so drunk that they couldn't walk and slurred when speaking. He enjoyed a good buzz as much as the next guy, but there was a difference between getting a buzz and getting black out drunk and acting like a moron the entire night. But tonight…tonight was different. Kendall _wanted_ to get ridiculously wasted. He wanted to stop worrying about his best friend, he wanted to put his troubles and distress aside, for once he simply wanted to pretend everything was fine. He wanted James to not be falling apart on the inside while acting like life was one, long, stress free party on the outside. He wanted James to open up. He wanted to know what was really going on in James' life, in his mind, in the places he kept buried so deep and hidden that he'd never even shown them to his best friend. He wanted to help, he wanted to make it all better, just like James had done for him on countless occasions.

The more Kendall drank, the less he worried. Unfortunately, that worry was soon replaced with a different sentiment: anger. Kendall was almost surprised to find out that he was extremely angry with James. They were supposed to be _best friends_. No secrets, no lies, everything laid out on the line. But for some reason, apparently James didn't trust him enough to be honest with him. To _come_ to him, to ask for help, to admit that all was not, in fact, perfect in the world of James _freaking_ Diamond. And that was the goddamn of it all, wasn't it? James always had to be perfect. _So. Fucking. Perfect. _Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect voice, perfect life. But maybe James' life wasn't as perfect as he'd have everyone believe.

How long had he'd been lying to Kendall? How long had he'd been pretending everything was so perfect when it so obviously wasn't? Since they became famous? Before that even? What exactly was going on, what exactly had happened in James life that he hadn't told Kendall about to make him think he had to burn himself, to make him think he had to pretend to be the happy-go-lucky person he acted like while silently suffering on the inside?

Kendall couldn't stop the anger that was slowly consuming his alcohol-fueled mind. He was angry that James wouldn't admit those cigarette burns were self-inflicted. He was angry that James was so obviously lying to him. He was angry that James didn't trust him enough to open up to him and be honest and admit he needed help. He was angry that James was so fucking concerned with his image and looks and body that he'd resorted to steroids to help him achieve perfection. He was angry that James didn't realize that he was already perfect. But most of all….Kendall was angry at himself.

Angry he hadn't noticed something was wrong until now. Angry that he hadn't notice the sadness and the lost, almost lifeless look that haunted James' eyes these days upon closer inspection. Angry that he couldn't force James to talk to him. Above all, Kendall was angry he had been too blind and too distracted to see the obvious tell-tale signs over the past few months that James was nowhere near as all right as he'd have everyone around him believe.

Because looking back, Kendall should have noticed something was off a lot sooner. It shouldn't have taken seeing the scars and marks on his friend's arm to alert him to the issue. James hadn't been James in a long while. Sure on the outside, to those who knew him superficially, James was still the fun-loving, worry-free, gorgeous rock star he'd always been. But adding up the pieces to the puzzle, Kendall knew with a sinking certainty that he had been putting on an act. An act Kendall should have seen through a long time ago. Before it was too late. Because that was Kendall's biggest worry now. That it was too late to save James from himself. That this time, James had dug himself into a ditch that Kendall wouldn't be able to help pull him out of. And that thought made all of Kendall's anger dissipate as fear for his friend replaced everything else. If he'd barely even begun digging and he'd already discovered the things he'd found…what other secrets was James hiding? What else wasn't his best friend telling him? If Kendall kept digging, what exactly would he find out about his best friend's life that he may be happier not knowing about? Ignorance is bliss, after all.

If hindsight was 20/20, than foresight was most certainly blind.


	6. Pressure

Kendall was still pacing his room, drinking and worrying when he heard noises coming from James' room. He barely paid attention at first, because all the guys in the house were so used to James bringing women home and sleeping with them that they tended to either block out the sounds coming from his bedroom, or sleep with headphones on. Then Kendall remembered that James had been home all night, and unless he's texted one of his groupies to come over, he was alone.

Kendall stopped pacing and went out into the hallway, listening at James' door. He heard another groan, and knew his first impression was wrong, because that definitely wasn't a sound of pleasure. It almost sounded as if James was in pain.

"No…stop…" Kendall heard James moan from behind the door. Either James was being raped or having a nightmare. And since you couldn't rape the willing…

Kendall went into the bathroom he and James shared, looking around in the drawers and cabinets until he found a bobby pin Jo had left behind at some point, and then for the second time that week, picked James' lock, letting himself into his room.

Kendall went over to his bed, flicking on the lamp on the night stand, illuminating James who was writhing in his bed, still muttering. His blankets were tangled all around his waist, leaving his top half uncovered and Kendall could see that he was soaked in sweat as he continued to thrash and groan.

"James," Kendall whispered, trying to wake the other without alerting the entire household to the situation. James didn't respond to Kendall's call though, it seemed his subconscious hadn't registered it, and instead he just moaned and lashed out in his bed again.

"James," Kendall said a little more forcefully this time, but still got no response.

The sight of the friend he was already worried sick over thrashing and mumbling in his bed, consumed by some nightmare that Kendall couldn't even begin to guess about caused a tiny crack to form in Kendall's heart. Were things so bad that James couldn't even forget about them while he slept?

"_James_!" He all but yelled, shaking the other boy.

James' response to this was immediate, as he swatted Kendall's touch away and sat straight up in his bed, eyes searching the room wildly and his breathing ragged.

His eyes finally landed on Kendall standing next to him, shooting him that worried look that James was growing sick of.

"Huh?" James asked, still out of it, shaking his head, trying to clear his thoughts and figure out where he was and what was going on.

"Hey, J," Kendall said softly. "Sorry to wake you, but I think you were having a nightmare," He explained.

"Oh," James responded, still trying to gather himself up. "Uh, yeah, sorry. Guess I was," He responded lamely, feeling like an idiot. What type of grown man had fucking nightmares like a child for Christ's sake?

"You okay?" Kendall asked, worry still etched in his eyebrows.

"M'fine," James mumbled unconvincingly.

"What were you dreaming about?" Kendall questioned.

"Someone stole my last bottle of 'Cuda shampoo," James lied smoothly, still sounding sleepy.

"Bullshit," Kendall scoffed. "You may have everyone else convinced that the only thing you care about are your looks, but don't forget, I've known you since we were three and I know there's more to you than that."

"It was just a bad dream, ok?" James told him, clenching his jaw, again growing frustrated by Kendall's concern, wishing he could just convince the other that he was fine and get some damn peace.

"Fine. Go back to sleep then."

"I will," James spit out, growing just as annoyed as Kendall, and turning over in his bed, back to his friend.

Kendall knew James expected him to leave then, that was pretty much a signal for 'get the fuck out of my room', but at the same time, Kendall couldn't bring himself to desert his best friend right then. So instead of leaving, he sank down, resting his back against James' bed and staying there to make sure he was ok

* * *

At some point, Kendall must have drifted off to sleep, leaning with his back against the side of James' bed, but he was woken with the sound of James having another nightmare. He heard his friend pleading to someone unknown to stop again, and the jiggle of the bed alerted him to James twisting restlessly.

It may have been the beers he'd had earlier, or his protective nature, or how uncomfortable the floor was, or simply the fact that he knew James wouldn't accept comfort while awake, but Kendall found himself crawling into James' bed, wrapping his arms around James, attempting to soothe the older male.

Lightly pressing himself against James, Kendall gently rubbed a hand up and down James' bare arm, whispering for him to calm down, softly shushing him, reassuring him that everything was okay.

After several minutes of James' mumbling incoherently and repeatedly saying 'no', Kendall felt his friend relax in his arms.

After another several minutes of the two of them lying peacefully in James bed, James began to stir. "Kendall?" He questioned groggily, wondering why his best friend was lying in bed next to him with his arms wrapped around his body.

"It's ok, James," Kendal responded in a voice just as quiet. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. I'm always here if you need me."

James attributed his actions to the fact that he was sleep deprived and scared, but he didn't throw Kendall out of his bed. He made no mention of the fact that their friendship may have just crossed a line that they couldn't erase. Instead, he found himself easing into Kendall's arms, gripping the other man's bicep in his hand, enjoying the feeling of being held and comforted, something he'd never allowed anyone to do before.

James permitted himself to briefly be lulled back into the wonderfulness of sleep while his best friend whispered reassurances in his ear.

As Kendall continued to hold James, he knew the exact moment when his friend fell back asleep, James' chest rising in short, even breaths. He was surprised James hadn't woken up completely, yelling and ordering Kendall out of his bed. He feared that the fact that James hadn't done exactly that showed how scared and broken the other man truly was.

Lying there, Kendall suddenly became aware of exactly how little clothing his friend had on. The only thing separating them was James' boxer briefs and Kendall's flannel pants.

If anyone chose that moment to walk in, this would probably look pretty peculiar. Kendall had made up his mind to head back to his own bed to sleep when yet again James began fidgeting, moaning 'no', his body already beginning to produce a thin layer of sweat as he fell farther into the nightmare.

As James began to stir in his grip, Kendall merely tightened his hold on him, shoving aside thoughts of what this meant and exactly what he was doing, lying in bed with his best friend, holding him and comforting him through a nightmare.

It didn't take long for James' easy movements to become something more harried, more frantic, and against his better judgment, Kendall shook the man awake.

"You're burning up," Kendall informed James when he was alert.

"Hot in here," James panted, even though he knew his body temperature was a result of the nightmares, not the heat in the room.

Kendall let go of James before his friend freaked out on him and sat up. "Your sheets are soaked in your sweat," He pointed out

James responded with nothing but a shrug,

"Why don't you go take a cool shower and I'll put dry sheets on your bed?" Kendall suggested after a beat.

Too tired and worn out to summon up his typical independent nature, James merely nodded, although he pointed out, "This will be my third shower in twenty four hours."

"Well, at least you're clean," Kendall joked half-heartedly.

James offered his friend a brief smile at that, before climbing out of bed.

Kendall pretended not to notice how good James looked right then, standing before him in nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs that left little to the imagination; his perfect six pack glistening with sweat, broad shoulders giving way to all the tension he held and tried so desperately to hide.

* * *

After switching out James' sheets, Kendall headed into the bathroom to let him know his bed was ready. Kendall walked into the bathroom at the exact same time as James was stepping out of the shower, Embarrassed, Kendall immediately went to shield his eyes, but it wasn't at a fast enough pace to miss the cuts and scars littering his best friend's hipbones. The marks there made what Kendall had seen on his arm seem like nothing in comparison.

"James," He breathed quietly, in a horrified voice, all his suspicions confirmed. He couldn't even take joy in his victory, because up until that moment he'd been wishing so hard that his imagination was running wild and James truly had gotten those burns accidentally. But there was no way all those cuts he was staring at on James were accidental.

"Dude!" James yelled, glaring at Kendall as he grabbed the closest towel and wrapped it around his waist. "Knock much?" He seethed.

"James," Kendall repeated in a low voice. "C'mon man. I can't pretend I didn't see that. Neither can you. What, did you fall asleep with your razor as well?"

"It's none of your fucking business, just get the hell out!"

"No! I was willing to pretend like there was a reasonable explanation for those burns, but fuck, J! Those cuts are self-inflicted, as are the burns, and we both know it! You're my best friend. I care about you. So that makes it my fucking business!"

James gave a humorless laugh. "No, it really doesn't. Get the hell out," James repeated through clenched teeth.

"No! Not until you tell me what the fuck is going on. The truth, J. I deserve that."

"Nothing's going on! Christ. Kendall! Just give me some fuckin' space."

"Apparently I've been giving you too much space if this is what you've resorted to! And for the record, I know about the goddamn steroids too!" Kendall hollered back, growing just as irritated as James, not even meaning to admit that.

James sputtered angrily for a second before choking out a, "What? How?"

"I saw the pill bottles in your drawer," Kendall confessed.

"So you've been searching through my shit?"

"Yeah, thankfully I have! What the hell, J? What are you doing to yourself? What's going on with you?" Kendall's voice cracked on the last question, his anger slowly being replaced with worry.

"Nothing! Jesus! Just leave me alone! And stay the fuck out of my shit!"

"Yeah, fine, I looked through your drawers, James. But you've been lying to me and Logan and Carlos for how long now?" Kendall retorted. James didn't respond, just continued to stand there glaring at his friend. "Dammit, James! Talk to me! Let me help you!

"I don't need your fuckin' help, Kendall!" James exploded. "I'm fine. Everything is goddamn peachy in my life. So just mind your own fucking business!" With that, James stormed out of the bathroom, going to his bedroom and tossing on the first pair of jeans and the first shirt he saw, ignoring Kendall the whole time. "I'm leaving," He muttered crossly to Kendall, swiping his keys, phone and wallet off the table, slamming out of the apartment, leaving an open-mouthed and extremely worried Kendall standing in the living room with no idea what to do next.

* * *

Kendall didn't know how things had made such a turn for the worse so quickly. One minute he'd been lying next to James, holding him and the next they were screaming at each other and James was storming out of the apartment.

Sinking down onto the couch, Kendall buried his head in hands, not bothering to raise it when he heard someone approaching it since he knew it wasn't the one person he wanted to talk to. "Kendall?" He heard Carlos question softly. "We, uh, we heard yelling. Everything ok?" His friend asked.

"Yeah, 'Litos,", Kendall took a page from James handbook, lying to his friend. "James and I just aren't seeing eye to eye," He explained briefly, not going into details.

Too tired to argue, Carlos simply nodded. "K. Night," He mumbled, stifling a yawn and heading back towards his room, giving Logan, who was standing outside of his own room rubbing the sleep from his eyes a confused shrug.

Logan watched Kendall for a moment, knowing something wasn't quite right, but also knowing they weren't going to get answers then. After a few seconds he gave a shrug of his own before heading back to bed.

Kendall waited until he was alone to go to his bedroom, pulling his cell phone off the charger and bringing up James from his contacts list, quickly hitting the call button. It rang in his ear only twice before he was kicked to voicemail, letting Kendall know that James had fuck you buttoned him.

He waited for James' recorded voice to shut up and the lady to quit giving him previously memorized instructions on how to leave a message. "Hey, James, it's Kendall. I shouldn't have gone through your stuff, ok? But I was, I _am_ worried about you. I need to know what's going on. I just want to help. Just…just come home, ok? Don't do anything stupid." Kendall hung up, then stared at his phone for a few minutes, waiting to see if James would call or text him back. Unsurprisingly, he got no response.

After half an hour of staring dejectedly at his phone he gave up, throwing it on his night stand and crawling under his covers, trying in vain to fall asleep as fear for his best friend took over his unsettled mind.

* * *

James left the apartment with no destination in mind, armed simply with the knowledge that he had to get out of that stifling environment before he punched Kendall in the face. He was practically shaking with rage. Sure, he'd half expected Kendall to have searched his stuff, but that didn't mean the invasion of his privacy left him any less pissed off.

He was a grown man, dammit. What gave Kendall the right to go prying around in his private life and personal belongings like some kind of twisted, jealous girlfriend? Some part of his brain kept reminding him it was only because Kendall cared, but he refused to listen to that voice, and blocked it out as best he could.

Still seething over his fight with Kendall, James eventually found his way into a bar a few blocks from the apartment, taking a seat at the bar and ordering a double whiskey. It was becoming entirely too commonplace for James to seek refuge in alcohol these days, and he knew he had to watch himself. The last thing he wanted was to end up an alcoholic like his father, but right then he needed it. He needed to get drunk, sleep with a random, and pretend for a few hours that he was okay, that he was normal.

If Kendall wanted to get his panties in a bunch over James giving himself a few cuts with a blade or a few burns with a cigarette, than that was Kendall's fucking problem. It wasn't like he was hurting anyone. And he wasn't even currently taking any of the steroids. James used the common practice of stacking and cycling, and right now he was between cycles, so Kendall was worrying about nothing. Not that it concerned him anyways. Kendall really needed to learn how to stay out of James' affairs and mind his own business. This didn't concern him and he should just shut up about things he didn't understand and that didn't involve him.

James could feel himself getting worked up again, and he ordered another double whiskey neat, quickly followed by two more until he finally began to feel his anxiety ease away, and his troubles disappear, replaced by the sweet, wonderful numbness of alcohol, which couldn't give two shits less about Kendall and his opinions.

After a couple more, James cut himself off, knowing anymore would make it impossible for him to make it home on his own, and he refused to call one of the guys to pick him up, plus it was closing time. James did a quick survey of the bar, his eye finally settling on a petite raven haired beauty who couldn't have been farther from Kendall looks-wise.

Proving yet again why he was the band's stereotypical playboy and charmer, James was following the girl towards her place not twenty minutes later, ready for some fun between the sheets before he had to answer more of Kendall's meddling questions.

* * *

"Fuck Mmmm, yeah baby, take it all," James moaned out as he pounded into the girl from the bar, who's name he'd never caught, from behind.

"God, so tight," He moaned on autopilot, giving the girl the same sentiments that everyone he slept with received. "Fuck so close" He stuttered, slamming his hips into hers, actions becoming more frenzied needing a release, any type of release in any way he could get it. "Fuckin' whore," He choked out, thrusting one last time, and holding her hips to his as he came deep inside of her.

The second he finished he pulled out, immediately seeking distance, no interest in cuddling, not wanting the relationship to go beyond anything physical, afraid the random below him would start talking about _feelings_ and _relationships_. No thank you.

He lied to himself as well, pretending he hadn't thought about Kendall, pictured the other male as he came, wishing he'd been pounding Kendall's…_No, fuck, what? Thought process obviously over._ James allowed himself a small amount of pleasure before shoving the memory out of his mind, lying to shield himself and acting like he hadn't just come to the thought and idea of fucking Kendall.

Where the fuck had that even come from? James had zero issues with gay people and definitely felt that someone should be able to marry the person they loved regardless of gender, but he'd never been anything other than arrow straight. The long list of women he'd bedded had never been him trying to prove that he wasn't gay, he'd never even considered looking at another man in a sexual way, and that included Kendall. Until tonight. Until he'd woken up in Kendall's embrace and not hated it. Until Kendall had invaded his mind as he was fucking some random slut from the bar.

Shaking his head to try and clear the thoughts, convinced it was the alcohol running through his bloodstream, James quickly got dressed, walking out of the girl's apartment without so much as a goodbye.

It was four in the morning, but James still had no interest in heading home. He was no longer tired, he was antsy and finding it impossible to shut his mind off. Plus he didn't want to get ambushed by Kendall the second he walked through the door. He walked aimlessly around the city, wishing yet again he lived alone, unsure of why he didn't. He had more money than he knew what to do with; financially there was no reason for the four of them to still share a place. They could all easily afford pent houses in Manhattan. But when they'd first moved to the city to begin recording their debut album, they'd been poor as dirt and had to rent a crappy, twelfth story walk up on the lower east side, with only one bedroom. Logan and Carlos had shared the bedroom, with nothing but blow up mattresses to sleep on, while Kendall had slept on one couch in the living room and James had occupied the smaller couch.

As miserable as that had been, they'd been happy. They may not have had a lot of material possessions or large bank accounts, but they were happy; they were living their dream. And that was all that had mattered. James' downward spiral may have started before that, but he can't help but wish he could go back. He was still having issues than, but it was nothing compared to how he felt now. Life was simpler than. For some reason, James had been happier, had been less prone to turn to alcohol for comfort, hadn't felt the need for steroids to get that perfect body. Unfortunately, the self-harm had started far before that, so long ago that these days he barely remembered not turning to a razor blade for comfort. But life had been less stressful than. Easier. Less hectic. James hadn't felt such a pressing need to be impeccable, to look perfect than. He wished he could go back, tell his younger self not to do it, not to become a famous rock star. Tell himself he couldn't handle the pressure and the fame.

James stopped walking, looking up and noticing he'd made it back home without meaning to. He still wasn't sure he wanted to go back in his shared apartment. If Kendall was still awake, he'd surely want to talk, and that was the last thing James wanted right then. Nothing against Kendall, but he preferred to deal with his problems by himself. Talking them out was pointless. Heaving an exaggerated sigh, James gave in, and walked into the building, hoping Kendall was asleep and not waiting to pounce on him the second he walked in.


	7. Tension

Kendall shifted restlessly in his bed, unable to sleep, his mind constantly replaying his fight with James. The image of James' hips, scarred and shredded by his own hand was burned into his retinas, refusing to leave his memory. His ears perked up at the sound of the front door creaking open, ever so slowly, as if someone was trying to sneak into the apartment. Kendall felt relief wash over him, knowing it was James. He wanted nothing more than to jump out of bed and go confront James, but that tactic hadn't been working so great lately, and he didn't want to risk upsetting his friend further, making James storm out again.

But he had to see him, reassure himself that for the time being James was safe, was okay. Quietly, Kendall climbed out of bed and walked to his door, opening it slowly, and peeking out. His eyes searched the room, finally landing on James' retreating figure as he shut himself in his own room. Silently, Kendall argued with himself over whether to go back to bed and leave James alone, or to go and try to talk to him again. The stubborn part of him that needed to talk to James and make sure he was truly okay, at least for the time being, finally won out and Kendall padded across the floor, lightly knocking on James' door before jiggling the doorknob, surprised when it swung open since he'd expected it to be locked.

James stood in just a pair of low slung jeans, his back to the door, but he looked over his shoulder when he heard someone entering his room. He looked none too surprised to see Kendall's shifting figure in his doorway, almost as if he'd been expecting the other man.

"No more, Kendall. Not tonight. Please," He said in fatigued voice, the previous anger nowhere to be found, his shoulders slumped in defeat and exhaustion.

Kendall held his hands up. "I don't want to fight. I just wanted to make sure you were okay," He explained, sounding every bit as worn out as his friend.

James didn't respond immediately, but he eventually turned around, looking Kendall in the eye. "What am I supposed to say here, Kendall? Huh? Will anything I tell you convince you I'm fine, get you to leave me alone?"

Kendall stayed quiet, doubting James' really expected a response.

"That's what I thought. I just want to be alone right now. I just want to sleep," James finally said into the silence, turning his back on his best friend, waiting until he heard the door close and he was alone again to sink down on his bed, not even bothering to change, merely falling asleep on top of his covers, still in his jeans.

* * *

After a long night of tossing and turning, not actually getting any sleep, Kendall finally stumbled out of his bedroom in the early afternoon, grunting at Logan and Carlos and heading straight to the coffeepot. Pouring two cups, he fixed his with cream and sugar, greedily gulping half the cup down in one swallow, and he left the other black, with no cream or sugar. He carried the second cup over to James' room, letting himself in, and grinning at the sight of James, passed out on top of his covers, bare up top, but still wearing the same jeans from the night before. One hand was tucked under his head while the other rested at the waistband of his jeans, and one leg hung off the bed, while the other was bent at the knee, foot on the bed.

Kendall walked over to the bedside, snapping his fingers in James' face. "Wake up sleeping beauty," He said, passing the cup of hot coffee under James' nose.

"Mmmm," James groaned, swiping the air in Kendall's general direction and changing positions slightly.

"C'mon, J. Up and at 'em," Kendall urged.

"Go 'way," James insisted, keeping his eyes shut tight.

Kendall decided to try a different tactic. "Some girl called, said you knocked up her last month."

"What?!" James sat up immediately, looking panicked.

Kendall smirked. "Kidding. But I did bring you coffee," He held out the cup as a peace offering, which James took, but continued to glare at his friend as he sipped at the bitter liquid.

"Asshole," He finally muttered. "What time is it?"

"Almost two."

James groaned. "I'm up, I'm up," He muttered, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

Kendall turned to leave, but stopped, facing James' again and asking, "We ok?"

James clenched his jaw and looked away, but mumbled, "Yeah."

Kendall knew that was the best he was going to get for the time being and decided to be happy with it, leaving his friend to wake up in peace, since James' tended to be grouchy until he'd had at least two cups of coffee.

* * *

James quickly drained the last of his coffee, and slowly stood up, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back, yawning and feeling like he'd been hit by a truck. The combination of his sleeping position and the slight hangover made his body ache all over. He stumbled out of his room, joining his bandmates on the couch, and cracking his neck as he sat down.

Logan made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and gave a slight shudder for added emphasis, commenting, "You know I can't stand the sound of that."

James responded by cracking his knuckles.

Logan glared at James, who merely smirked and raised an eyebrow, silently questioning what Logan planned on doing about it.

"I hate you," Logan muttered under his breath, even though he took James' empty coffee cup with him as he stood up, refilling it for the other male and handing it back before he went to grab his belongings.

"So Camille and I will meet you and Jo at the restaurant at seven?" Logan directed his question towards Kendall, who nodded.

"Sounds good man. Reservations are under my name."

"K. Later guys," With a wave, Logan left, leaving just three people remaining.

"I'm showering and heading over to Jo's, we're meeting up before dinner," Kendall announced to an audience that really couldn't have cared less.

"So what are your plans for the day, Animal?" James turned towards Carlos who was relaxing in one of the recliners, eyes glued to the TV, where a talking sponge in pants was hanging out with a talking starfish in Bermuda shorts.

Reluctantly, Carlos drug his eyes away, looking at James. "I called that girl from last night, Jennifer-"

James interrupted him. "I thought Jennifer was the one who gave you the fake number a few nights ago."

"She was. But this one was named Jennifer, too. She's gorgeous man. Tight little body, long brown hair," Carlos trailed off getting a dreamy look.

"All right, all right, I got you," James laughed. "So what'd she say?"

"Her cousin just moved to the city and she promised to take her out tonight. So unless I have a good looking available friend to double date with," Carlos shot James a sly grin, and James groaned, realizing Carlos had already planned this and he had zero chance of getting out of it.

"Really, Carlitos?" James asked with a sigh, not in the mood for a blind date.

"Pleeeeease?" Carlos pleaded, putting his hands together and giving James his patented puppy dog eyes.

With a slight grumble, James gave in, unable to say no to one of his best friends who he knew would do the same for him in a heartbeat. "Fine," He growled. "But her friend better be fuckin' hot. And you better get laid," James warned, pointing at Carlos as he drank down his second cup of coffee and stood up to get a third.

Carlos gave a satisfied grin, chirping thank you as he jumped up to get a shower of his on and quickly spouted out the details to James, who just grunted again and agreed to be ready by five so they could meet the girls at six.

* * *

"James, you can't wear that!" Carlos whined to an annoyed James a few hours later. "We're going to one of the most upscale restaurants in the city, then to one of the most exclusive clubs in the city! They won't let you in!"

"I'm James Diamond. I could show up in my underwear and a space helmet and they'd let me in," James argued, not too far from the truth.

"James, please!" Carlos said with exasperation. "I really want to impress this girl and showing up with a friend in jeans and a wife beater isn't going to cut it!"

"Ugh, fine!" James agreed unenthusiastically. Normally, James was the best dressed of the group, the one who put the most time into his appearance, but he just couldn't summon up the energy to care tonight. Luckily for Carlos, he was a good enough friend that he was willing to pretend and give a good first impression so that hopefully Carlos could get some.

Stomping back into his room, James rifled through his closet, looking for something more 'appropriate'. His eyes landed on the lock box and deciding he could use an extra pick me up to get him in the mood for this, he quickly retrieved the key, opening the box up and fishing out the old prescription of Oxycontin, knowing that would do the trick. He searched out a razor blade, credit card and dollar bill and quickly crushed up a pill on his hand held mirror, snorting the entire thing in one go, and slowly beginning to feel more social and in the mood. He left the box opened up on his bed, and returned to his closet where he selected out a pair of dark pants, a grey button up and a white skinny tie. Lacing up his boots, he went back out into the living room for Carlos' inspection.

"Better?" He asked.

"Much," Carlos smiled, looking a little nervous.

James laughed. "Lighten up, man. If she doesn't like you for who you are, than she's some stuck up bitch who doesn't deserve to get with the great Carlitos anyway, right?" he grinned, slapping his friend on the back.

Carlos' nodded resolutely, trying to take James' words to heart, even though he still kind of felt like throwing up. "Let's just get going before we're late," He replied, and the pair headed out of the apartment in the direction of the restaurant.

* * *

"This place is so fancy," Camille gushed, taking in their surroundings. She was a relatively well known actress, but possessed nothing near the fame and recognition as her boyfriend or his bandmates, so she always still felt slightly out of place at the extravagant restaurants that Logan would occasionally take her to.

"Isn't it?" Jo sighed. "It's one of my favorites. So romantic," She added, glancing at her boyfriend with a forced smile. Kendall had never felt more distant to her than he did right then. Physically he was there….but mentally he was anywhere but. His answers were stiff and robotic, and he hadn't initiated any conversations, just responded tightly to anything someone said to him. She really wished she knew what was going on in that blonde head of his.

Jo placed her hand on his upper thigh, giving it a soft squeeze, and Kendall jumped. "What? Oh, yeah. Nice place."

He ignored Logan who he could feel giving him an odd look across the table.

"Is this still about James?" Jo asked, irritated.

"What? What about James?" Logan cut in, glancing back and forth between the strained couple.

"You didn't tell Logan or Carlos," Jo looked at Kendall, stating a fact rather than questioning it.

Kendall chuckled nervously. "Not the time or place, _Jo_," He murmured, growing every bit as irritated as his girlfriend.

"What about James?" Logan and Camille chorused, giving the pair across the table strange looks.

"Nothing," Kendall replied. "We'll talk later," He promised Logan. "In _private_," The last part said with a frown shot towards Jo.

"Oooookay," Logan replied slowly, still looking confused. He quickly tried to change the topic and salvage the date, making a show of reading over his menu. "So what's everyone getting?"

* * *

"So what's everyone getting?" Carlos asked, and James could hear the nerves in his friend's voice. Personally, James was anything less than impressed with this Jennifer. She seemed snooty, hard to please, and honestly, a straight up bitch. Her cousin wasn't that bad, cute and sweet, but not James' type. She struck him as more the 'Let's take it slow and get to know each other and make a commitment before things get physical' type. Which was fine, just not for him.

James shrugged and tossed his menu on the table. "As long as it comes with a large glass of whiskey, I don't really care what food they put on the plate."

Jennifer, who sat across from James, gave him a flirty smile and said, "That's what I'll have."

James refrained from kicking her under the table.

Thankfully they were interrupted by the waiter, who stood poised, pen and pad in hand, giving an obnoxious and overfriendly smile, which James took to mean his manager had already told him that this table had better leave pleased and happy, or else.

"Top shelf Irish whiskey. And steak. Medium rare," James acknowledged the waiter.

"Baked potato on the side?" The waiter asked with what now looked like a forced smile at James' clipped order.

"Whatever."

"And you, miss?" He continued around the table, taking down everyone's orders and promising to have the drinks and salads out shortly.

"Hey James, remember that picture I wanted to show you in the lobby last time we were here?" Carlos asked James with a pointed look.

James quirked an eyebrow at Carlos, since they'd never been to this restaurant together before. Then he felt a swift pain in his shin as Carlos aimed a kick at his shin under the table. "Owww-yeah! You wanted to see about getting a print for the apartment, right, asshole-I mean Animal?" James scowled at Carlos, feigning a slip of the tongue and pretending to know what his weirdo friend was talking about. Standing up and talking himself out of throwing a roll at Carlos' head, James gestured. "Lead the way. Ladies, we'll be right back," He gave a charming smile to their female companions and followed Carlos towards the lobby, punching him a little harder than necessary in the upper arm when they were out of eyesight.

"That fuckin' hurt," James informed Carlos.

"Well so did _that_," Carlos retorted, rubbing his arm. "Anyways, I want a meatball sub."

"Then we came to the wrong damn place," James replied, rolling his eyes, not catching on to his friend's real meaning.

"No, James. _A meatball sub_? As in a switch? Jesus, you used to be the king of pulling this shit! Jennifer totally isn't feeling me, she hasn't taken her eyes off you since we met up with them, but her cousin," Carlos was dangerously close to swooning. "She's-"

"Fine!" James cut Carlos off once he caught up with his friend's thinking. Honestly, if Carlos planned on dating one of the two and bringing them to their apartment night after night, he would practically pay not to have it be Jennifer.

"I'll take Jennifer. You can have…" James trailed off, cursing his inability to remember names.

"Stephanie!" Carlos supplied, sounding annoyed and glaring at James for forgetting the name of the girl he now planned to marry.

"Whatever. She's better than Jennifer anyways."

Carlos grinned, happy once again and followed James back to the table, where James took the seat next to Jennifer and Carlos sat in James' previously occupied seat on Stephanie's left side.

Neither girl commented on the switch, nor looked the least bit put out and James had a feeling they'd had a similar conversation while he and Carlos we're admiring the nonexistent painting in the lobby.

* * *

After two hours of tension and strained, forced conversation, Kendall found himself giving Jo a quick kiss that his heart wasn't in and then quickly making his escape. Briefly, Kendall wondered if things between him and Jo were fizzling, if the end was within sight for the previously hot couple. Two months ago and a thought like that would have brought his world crashing down around him and caused him to sink into depression. But for some reason, tonight, it almost sounded right, like a relief. The thought of no longer being with Jo made Kendall feel like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. That alone should have told him all he needed to know about his dwindling relationship with her, but he was not a quitter, and he'd been with Jo so long that he could barely imagine his life without her in it. Kendall was beginning to get a headache trying to wrap his mind around all his conflicting thoughts and emotions this week.

Logan gave Camille a much more heartfelt kiss and an added apology that the night was ending sooner than expected and on a somewhat more sour note than the pair had planned, promising to call her before he went to sleep.

"Just make sure your friends are okay," Camille responded, shrugging off Logan's apologies and returning his kiss, adding an, "I love you."

"Love you, too," Logan smiled into her mouth, grudgingly turning away, and hurrying after Kendall who'd barely said goodbye to his own girlfriend before stalking off down the sidewalk.

"Kendall! Wait up!" Logan hollered, finally catching up to his taller friend half a block down the street. "So," He panted, grabbing ahold of Kendall's shoulder and stopping him in his tracks. "Anything you'd like to share with the class?"

Kendall brushed Logan's hand off and gave a noncommittal snort.

"All right fine, I'll be more specific," Logan wasn't put off that easily. "What's going on with James? And don't tell me '_nothing_', because I heard Jo at dinner and I've heard the two of you yelling at each other lately."

"Fine," Kendall gave in. "You're right. It isn't nothing. But it is something that I don't want to discuss right now. I need to talk some things out with James first before I go airing his business all over New York City, all right?"

"So it's James' problem, not yours?" Logan pressed on.

"I don't know!" Kendall burst out, causing Logan to take a step back. "Look, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a dick, but just…just let me figure out some things first, let me straighten some shit out with James first, then I promise I'll talk to you and 'Litos, ok?"

Logan nodded slowly, still surprised by his normally cool, calm and collected friend's outburst. "Just promise it isn't something I should worry too much about."

Kendall averted his eyes, and said softly, "I can't promise that." Raking a hand through his hair he exhaled. "I can promise to come to you if it gets to be too much for me to handle alone. I can promise to come to you if I think James' life in danger. But Logan, I'm not going to lie to you, ok? There's been too much lying, too many secrets in our friendship and band lately it seems. And what's going on with James…yeah it's serious. Honestly, it's something you should worry about. But I'm just not comfortable spilling the beans to you until I get some straight talk out of James. Can you understand that?"

"I guess," Logan said, though he didn't sound happy about it. His curiosity was beyond piqued, but he knew better than to push Kendall right then. "Just…swear you'll come to me as soon as you and James figure whatever this is out?"

"Promise," Kendall swore, holding up the Boy Scout symbol with a slight smile.

* * *

For James and his newfound date, Jennifer, the night ended amicably. In other words, she gave him a blow job in the front seat of his overpriced Lamborghini before he dropped her off at her place with a lie to call her the next day. Somehow it didn't occur to the ditzy actress wannabe that she had never given James her number. With a satisfied smirk, James shifted the car he rarely got to drive in this overpopulated city into gear and headed back home, screeching into a reserved spot in his apartment complex's parking garage a few short minutes later.

"Bye, gorgeous," James told his only recurrent date with a pat on the hood, walking to the elevators and riding up to his apartment feeling quite pleased with the night's outcome after his formerly hostile outlook on the evening.

Feeling better than he had in days, James whistled a nameless tune on his lips as he strolled into his home and through his bedroom door, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw Kendall sitting on his bed, one lone tear tracking its way down his cheek as he read from a stack of papers in his hand, James' forgotten lockbox lying open next to him on the older male's bed where he'd so carelessly left it earlier in the evening, too preoccupied with meeting Carlos' standards looks-wise for the evening.


	8. Secrets

When Kendall and Logan walked into their shared apartment, Kendall had no plans other than to go to bed and pass out, hoping to forget his worries and concern for James for a few hours. Logan headed into his bedroom and Kendall decided to check James' room before going to sleep, wondering if the other male was home or not. He turned the doorknob and the door to his best friends' room swung easily open, but his best friend was nowhere to be found. Kendall figured he was still on his blind double date with Carlos, and was about to close the door and head to his own room for some much needed sleep when something on James' bed caught his attention.

It was a silver, metal, fire-proof lock box that required a key for entry, but it lay open on James' bed, its contents strewn across the covers. Kendall knew he should just walk away, James was already mad enough that he'd snooped through his drawers, but his curiosity and apprehension won out in the end, and he found himself easing into James' room with a cautionary glance over his shoulder to reassure himself he was still alone.

He crept over to James' bed, his conscience yelling at him the whole time, and started rifling through the items lying in the lock box. The pill bottles he'd already discovered were there, along with a few bottles for antidepressants he hadn't gotten to the last time, a couple packs of razorblades were hidden beneath a stack of papers, and at the very bottom laid more papers, only these were official looking documents, as opposed to the papers from before which were torn out of notebooks and scribbled on with James' practically illegible scrawl, and seemed to be discarded song lyrics.

With a glimpse towards the door to reassure himself he was still alone, Kendall made himself comfortable on James' bed and started reading through the documents that his friend had gone to such lengths to hide. At first he was confused, not understanding what he was reading, not comprehending it, but before long his confusion grew to horror and sympathy as he pieced together parts of a life that James had kept hidden for so long, burying deep down and never sharing with any of his friends.

* * *

James hadn't always been the man-whore that his friends now knew and loved. In the first couple years of high school, he'd been much like his friends. Having crushes, getting nervous about dates, taking forever to share that first kiss. But when they'd returned from their summer break after sophomore year, something had changed in James. Suddenly his nerves no longer existed. He didn't have crushes anymore, just conquests. He went from the sweet, boyfriend type to a complete playboy in the blink of an eye. While he used to take girls on multiple, romantic dates before making a move, now he wasn't even bothering with dates, simply whispering a few sentences in a girls ear, and then meeting them in the abandoned third floor bathroom or an empty room at the party and fucking them before ducking out and never acknowledging them again.

His three best friend were a bit confused and put off, but pretty soon it became the norm, just something they expected of James. They never questioned his sudden change, merely attributing it to his growing up. But maybe they should have questioned it. Maybe they should have looked deeper. Maybe they should have tried to figure out why James went from a sweet, romantic guy to a total playboy who couldn't care less about a woman's feeling in just a few short months.

* * *

At first James stood frozen in his doorway, sick with the knowledge that Kendall now knew all of his deepest, darkest, dirty secrets. Had discovered the skeletons James had kept locked so tightly in his closet for years. But he easily replaced his surprise and fear with anger.

"What the fuck?" James roared at Kendall, storming into his room and yanking the papers out of Kendall's hands. "Are you godamned kidding me right now?"

"James!" Kendall jumped up in surprise, never having seen such fury on his friend's face. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"You just what? Felt compelled to look through my shit, _again_?" James thundered, sounding angrier than Kendall had ever heard him before.

"What the fuck is your problem? Stay the hell out of my personal life!" James continued, grabbing Kendall by the front of his shirt and pinning him against his wall, his eyes dark with rage and his mouth set in a thin, hard line.

Kendall had to admit, he was a little scared. He'd never seen James like this. He knew James had a temper, hell he'd seen James beat up a few people before, and that was exactly what made him so afraid right then. When James lost control and let his temper take over, he was a force to be reckoned with. He was downright scary. And Kendall was none too pleased to be on the receiving end for the first time.

"James, I'm sorry, I had no idea-"

James cut Kendall off with a humorless laugh. "Had no idea about what, Kendall?" He sneered. "Obviously you had no idea. Because I didn't fucking want you to! Any of you!" He punctuated his words by shamming Kendall against the wall again, before getting right back in his face. "This is the last fucking straw," He whispered, dangerously low. "I'm done. I'm moving out. Tomorrow. Have a nice godamned life." With a final shove, James let Kendall go, stalking out of his room, and out of his apartment, no destination in mind, just knowing he needed space.

* * *

Kendall waited until he heard the front door slam shut before allowing himself to sink down to his knees. He'd never been on the receiving end of James' rage, and he found himself somewhat shaken. He'd honestly been expecting James to lash out and throw a fist in his face at any second, so he was kind of glad to walk away in one piece.

Shakily, he rose to his feet, and walking out to the living room, he came across a slightly panic-stricken looking Logan.

"I think we need to have that talk now," Kendall said quietly, knowing Logan had heard every word James had yelled at him, since he hadn't exactly been quiet.

Carlos chose that moment to walk in the door, his arm wrapped around a pretty brunette. "Kendall, Logan!" He smiled. "Meet Stephanie!"

His bandmate looked so infatuated that Kendall hated to do this, but he looked at Carlos and replied, "You, me and Logan need to talk. Now. Alone."

"Can't it wait?" Carlos' smile faltered.

Kendall shook his head. "Sorry, 'Litos but this is important."

"Okay. I'll, um, I'll call you tomorrow?" He asked the girl next to him, who nodded and replied that she hoped he did before exiting the boys' domain.

"So what's the deal?" Asked Carlos, a little annoyed that Kendall had so rudely run off his date. "And where's James? He and Jennifer left the club hours before me and Stephanie."

"That's uh, that's kinda what this is about," Kendall admitted hesitantly. Scratching the back of his neck, stalling for time. Taking a deep breath, he surged forward.

"Okay, I'm done hiding shit from you guys. A few days ago I saw burn marks on James' arm…like, too many to be accidental. He also has cuts all over his hips, and _don't_ ask how I saw them," Kendall held up a hand, as both Carlos and Logan opened their mouths. "I also found steroids in his drawer, and then tonight, well," Kendall sighed, unable to bring himself to say the words out loud. He turned, quickly walking back into James' room and retrieving the discarded papers from the floor where they were strewn all over. "I found these," Kendall finished, as he walked back over to his other two friends and shoved the papers in their hands.

Logan took them from Kendall, and began flipping through them, scanning their contents with Carlos looking over his shoulder and reading them as well.

Kendall sank down into a chair, chewing on a thumbnail and watching the exact same emotions he'd just experienced play out over his friend's faces.

"Shit," Logan was the first to speak, following Kendall's example and sitting down, re-reading everything, hoping it was all some type of sick joke.

"He never said a damn thing," Carlos finally added, the last to sit down, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What do we do?" Kendall asked in a ragged voice.

"You're always the man with a plan," Logan pointed out, at a loss for where to go from there. Logan and Carlos both looked at Kendall expectantly.

The three friends sat at the kitchen table each lost in their own thoughts for close to twenty minutes before Kendall finally broke the silence. "Okay. So, we look at this rationally. We can't change the past. And we can't force James to open up to us about this. He had his reasons for not coming to any of us sooner. So for now, we need to focus on the present. Worry about what he's doing to himself. I don't doubt that it's all related, but we'll cross that bridge later. Right now we just need to figure out what to do about the self-harm and the steroids."

"And the alcohol," Carlos supplied.

"What?" Logan turned to Carlos looking confused.

"You're telling me neither of you have noticed that James drinks almost every single night anymore?"

"Dude, I have a couple beers practically every night, too."

"Yeah, a couple beers. James will drink a half bottle of whiskey a night."

And the problems just kept piling up it seemed. Kendall dropped his head into his hands. "I think we may be in over our heads," He moaned.

* * *

The summer between tenth and eleventh grade James' dad had sent him to spend his break in Florida, with his mom's brother, his Uncle Jim, whom he was named after. When James' mom had passed away in the eighth grade he'd pretty much lost his dad too. His dad had never really come to terms with losing his wife, and had shut himself off, locking himself in his study most nights and drinking until he blacked out, leaving James to pretty much fend for himself.

By tenth grade James was easily adept at taking care of himself. He'd take his father's credit card and do the grocery shopping and pay the bills. He cleaned the house, would try and coax his dad into eating something, and then go to bed, hoping he wouldn't wake up an orphan the next morning, though most nights it felt like he already was one.

He hadn't seen his Uncle Jim since his mom's funeral and he'd been pressing James' father, Rick, into letting James spend the summer in Florida with him. Rick agreed, and didn't give James much of a choice in the matter. James had never really liked his Uncle Jim. He couldn't put his finger on it, but the man had always creeped him out.

He pleaded with his dad, saying he wanted to stay in Minnesota and spend his summer vacation chilling with the guys, and anyways, his dad wouldn't remember to pay the bills or eat or he'd set the house on fire when he was drunk and passed out smoking. But Rick had put his foot down, and for the first time in years decided to assert his parental dominance, and three days after school ended James found himself getting off a plane at Orlando International Airport, dreading three months with his weird, bachelor uncle.

The first few days had been uneventful. His uncle trying to impress him by taking him to Disney World and Universal Studios. Personally, James thought they were a bit overdone. It was too hot, the lines were too long, and he had no interest in carrying on a conversation with his Uncle Jim. James was every bit the sullen teenager and wasn't even bothering trying to pretend he wanted to be there or was enjoying himself.

The fourth night was when things began to take a turn for the much, much worse. James was lying in the bed in his uncle's guest room, half asleep when the door opened up, and his uncle let himself into the room. James thought nothing of it at first, figuring his uncle was just checking on him before he headed to bed himself, so James turned over and was intent on falling right back asleep when he felt the covers get pulled back and his uncle getting into bed with him.

* * *

James exited their apartment complex onto the street, and stood there, no clue where to go. He was still breathing heavily from his outburst and he fisted his hands in his hair, resisting the urge to scream. How had everything turned so quickly? A week ago Kendall was bouncing happily along completely oblivious and within a few days he'd pretty much managed to figure out everything James had tried so desperately to keep concealed. He'd never be able to be in the same room as Kendall again. He didn't think he could handle seeing the disgust that would surely be in Kendall's eyes.

With nowhere left to go, and feeling as if he had no one to turn to, James sank down on the dirty sidewalk and tried not to break down.


	9. Tears

_A/N: Warning for a vague, pretty mild, non-graphic yet possibly still disturbing non-con scene. If that bothers you and you don't want to read it, skip the third section of this chapter. _

* * *

"We should go see if we can find James," Logan suggested.

Kendall raised his eyebrows, "Man, we live in the wrong city to go look for someone. If James doesn't want to be found right now, he isn't going to be found. And trust me, he doesn't want to be found."

"We could try calling him," Carlos pulled out his phone.

"Good luck getting him to answer," Kendall snorted.

"Well then what do you want to do, Kendall? Go to sleep and hope he comes home in the morning, still in one piece? This is James, pretty much the most stubborn person in the world. When he sets his mind to something, he does it. He'll find a new place, send movers to get his shit and never tell us the address," Logan said annoyed. "We'll never see or hear from him again!"

"He wouldn't ditch the band," Carlos replied.

"Wouldn't he? I'm not so sure right now," Kendall admitted. "But you guys are right, we can't sit here and do nothing. So we split up. Just check every bar you pass by."

* * *

Little did James' friends know how short of a search they'd have, since he was still sitting against the side of their building, knees pulled up to his chest and head buried in them, wishing away the images that invaded his mind, refusing to give him peace. His hands itched for something, anything, and he searched his pockets, finally pulling out a beat up pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lighting one up and inhaling deeply. He pulled the cigarette out from his mouth with his thumb and forefinger, exhaling the smoke in thin wisps, and then swiftly bringing the glowing red tip down onto his left arm, hitching in a breath as he felt the release he needed, the pain he craved.

Over and over he repeated the motions; inhale, exhale, tip to arm, repeat, until the cigarette was down to the filter and he felt the heat on his fingertips, his forearm littered in fresh burns. He stubbed the butt out, but he still felt antsy, still had memories coursing through his eyes, unsettling his mind as he was forced to relive the summer that had changed his life.

* * *

James' reaction had been immediate when he felt his uncle climbing into his bed. "What the fuck?" He yelled, going to jump out of bed, but being restrained by his uncle's arms gripping his wrists tightly, refusing to let him get out of bed. "Hey, what are you doing, get off of me!" James struggled, aiming a backwards kick at his uncle who maneuvered out of the way.

"Settle down," His uncle told him. "You don't know how long I've wanted this."

His words sunk in and James understood exactly what his uncle's plan was and began to freak out, trying to yank free and yelling, fighting against his uncle's grip. But it was useless, his uncle easily weighed over two hundred pounds, and it was pretty much all muscle. James was no match for the sick man, who turned James onto his back, leering over top of him and producing a few lengths of rope.

"You sick fuck! Get the hell off of me you bastard!" James hollered, kicking wildly as his uncle ignored him and made quick work of tying him to the bed, causing James to wonder if this was the first time the creep had pulled a stunt like this.

"Shhhh," His uncle hushed him. "If you just relax you might even enjoy this."

"Are you on crack? Leave me alone!" James was completely incapacitated, so he did the only thing he could do and spit in his uncle's face, which may not have been his smartest move as it only caused the man to grow angry, and he aimed a powerful punch at James' chin before grabbing the duct tape he'd also brought in, tearing off a piece and using it to tape James' mouth up.

"That's better," His Uncle Jim said with an evil grin.

James was beginning to regret his decision to go to sleep in nothing but boxers that night, as his uncle easily ripped them off the teen's body, leaving James lying exposed and terrified beneath him, completely helpless to defend himself or even scream in the hopes of alerting one of the neighbors.

As his uncle quickly shed his clothes, James turned his head, squeezing his eyes tight, trying to pretend he was anywhere but here, that this nightmare wasn't happening.

"So pretty," His uncle murmured, running a hand down James' cheek, who flinched in response but refused to cry, refused to give his uncle that satisfaction.

James clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to block everything out as he felt his uncle's hands traveling down his body, invading him. He tugged at his bonds, hoping to free himself as he felt his uncle's fingers entering him, but he still refused to cry. He let out a whimper as he felt his uncle's length entering him, but he still didn't shed single tear. He bit the inside of his cheek, wished for a miracle to help him escape this horrible reality, and refused to turn his head or open his eyes through the whole ordeal.

After what felt like an eternity, James' felt his uncle finish inside of him, and he gagged, afraid he was going to be sick, but he choked it down. Still he kept his head turned and eyes shut tight.

He didn't hear what his uncle said afterwards, his brain was buzzing with white noise trying to shield him from what was going on. He didn't become aware of much until he heard his uncle leave the room. The asshole hadn't even bothered to untie him or remove the duct tape.

James waited until he heard his uncle retire to his own bedroom, and then he waited some more, until he was positive his uncle had to be asleep. He began jerking his arms, ignoring the rope burn he was causing, determined to free himself and get the hell out of there. It took forever, but James was finally rewarded when he felt the knots on his right wrist begin to loosen, soon getting to the point where he could pull his hand free. Reaching over, he was just barely able to get his right hand to his left wrist, where he fumbled for a few minutes, but managed to loosen those knots as well. His arms throbbed as he brought them down, having been in the same, awkward position for too long.

With a fair amount of difficulty, James sat up in bed, wincing at the pain that caused, but ignoring it, and leaning down to free his ankles as well. Once he was completely unrestricted, he reached up and without hesitation pulled the duct tape from his mouth, gritting his teeth at the pain, but not making a sound.

James didn't allow himself to sit there and wallow, he knew he had to get out of that house. He stood up on wobbly legs, and limped over to his suitcase, blindly grabbing out a pair of clothes, and dressing hurriedly, shoving his feet into his shoes. He only took the time to grab his wallet before he headed towards the front door of his uncle's house, relief washing over his abused body at how close freedom was.

He was reaching for the doorknob when he was grabbed roughly from behind. "And where exactly do you think you're going?" His Uncle Jim jeered at him, twisting James around to face him.

Panic swelled in James once again. He couldn't live through that a second time. He had to get out now. Who knew what else his uncle had planned for him? He could keep him tied there for the whole summer, or even longer. No, James had one chance to escape and he had to take it.

He took a swing at his uncle, and managed to catch him in the jaw, but his uncle only laughed in response, and gave a swing of his own, his fist catching James' in his right temple, causing James' vision to blur. His Uncle Jim took full advantage and sent his fist into James' face one, two, three times more, before pinning him against the wall.

"I'm not letting you go, not now that I've felt how good and tight you feel," He whispered in James' face, his breath reeking of alcohol. He drew a fist back again, slamming it into James' ribs this time, causing James to drop to the floor, clutching his stomach in pain, breath knocked out of him and unable to defend himself as his uncle aimed a few well-placed kicks at his already battered ribcage.

Out of the side of his vision, James spotted something resting innocently in the corner by the front door, just within his reach. His uncle's golf bag. As his uncle brought his leg back, ready to kick the beaten teen again, James grabbed at the bag, pulling a 5-wood free, clutching it tightly in his hands and lifting it up, sending the titanium head crashing into his uncle's skull hard enough to cause the larger man to stumble backwards, sputtering angrily.

Ignoring the pain and protest his body gave him, James pulled himself up, staggering towards his uncle, and repeating the swing, striking him in the head until his uncle collapsed, unconscious.

With a groan of pain, James let the golf club clatter to the floor, and wrenched open the front door, escaping into the freedom of the night, slowly making his way to the streets of his uncle's neighborhood.

* * *

"Okay, I'll head left," Kendall said as the trio made their way out of their apartment complex. "And Carlos you head-" Kendall stopped short, his eyes landing on a figure sitting a few feet to the right of the front door, hunched into itself. He nudged Logan and Carlos, and gestured at James. "Or maybe we won't have to search as hard as we thought," He said lowly.

The three stood there for a moment, unsure what to do, until Logan gently shoved Kendall toward James, mouthing, 'Do something!'

With a backwards look over his shoulder at Logan and Carlos, Kendall walked over to James, who was still unaware of their presence, and dropped into a crouch in front of his friend. "James?" He asked gently, placing a tentative hand on the other's shoulder.

James jerked, and slowly raised his head, his eyes eerily blank, shining bright with unshed tears and yet still managing to look lifeless. They seemingly passed right over Kendall, not registering him, no recognition lighting up in them.

Kendall sucked in a breath, taken aback by how absolutely lost and broken James looked right then. He wasn't surprised that James was refusing to let the tears fall, because James didn't cry. Ever. Not once had Kendall ever seen his best friend shed a single tear. The multiple breaks and sprains he'd received in hockey? Not a tear. When his first girlfriend had dumped him in sixth grade? Not a tear. When his mom had passed away in eighth grade? A lot of anger, a lot of cussing and punching walls, a lot of closing himself in and pretending everything was fine. But not a single tear. At the funeral he'd stood stiffly next to the casket, permitting everyone who offered their condolences a forced, polite smile while looking distraught, but he still hadn't cried, not once.

"Oh, James," Kendall sighed, his heart breaking at the sight of his best friend.

Even though he knew he risked being rejected or even receiving James' anger again, Kendall wrapped his arms around James, pulling him into a hug, not knowing what else to do, what else to say. James didn't react at first, he didn't shove Kendall away, but he also didn't return the embrace, he just sat there, rigid, permitting Kendall to hold him.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Kendall said tenderly in James' ear. "I didn't know, you didn't let me in. But I know now, and I'm here James. I'm always here. I've always been here and I always will be. Just please. Please, James. Let me in. Let _us_ in. Let us help you. Please," Kendall shamelessly begged in his friend's ear, reassuring him, hoping to break through his barriers.

Something in Kendall's words must have cracked James' shell, because suddenly James was clinging to Kendall tightly and he choked on a sob before the carefully constructed damn gave way and he was sobbing uncontrollably into Kendall's shoulder, finally allowing himself to break down. Finally allowing himself to feel all the pain that had been building up for so long. Finally allowing himself to be comforted by Kendall, refusing to give closer inspection as to why it felt so right to break down into Kendall's arms over anyone else's

* * *

When James had broken free from his uncle's house, he'd had no clue where to go, what to do from there, the only thought he had was a repetitive _Get as far away as possible_ chant going through his mind. Stumbling along, trying his best to ignore the pain in his, well, everywhere, James walked as fast as his injuries allowed, hoping to find a hospital or a police station or a payphone…anything. He'd managed to stagger onto a main road and was lurching down the side of it when a car pulled up next to him, idling as someone hopped out of the driver's seat.

"Are you okay?" A female voice asked.

James startled and turned towards the voice, cowering away at first from the strange woman who looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties. He began to back up slowly, afraid of someone picking him up and taking him back to his uncle's house.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," The woman stopped in her tracks, holding her hands up to show she meant no harm. "But you don't look well at all. Can I at least drive you to the hospital? It's another fifteen miles from here and I don't think you need to be walking that far in your condition."

James faltered, then whispered, "Straight to the hospital? No questions?"

"Straight there. No questions. Promise," The woman said kindly, only wanting to help the boy before her who looked close to passing out.

Reluctantly James nodded, and eased himself into her car as she ran around, opening the passenger door for him. He tried not to wince as he sat down, and as soon as the lady closed the door behind him he cowered against it, trying to stay as far away from the stranger as possible.

"Can I call anyone for you?" She asked gently, pulling the car back out onto the road and turning in the direction of the nearest hospital.

"Do you have a cell phone?" James asked in a hoarse voice. She nodded, reaching into her cup holder in the middle console and handing him one.

James took it with a grunt of thanks, and quickly dialed his house number in Minnesota, praying his dad picked up, which surprisingly he did on the third ring.

"Dad? I need you to come get me from Florida. Now. Please."

"What? James, you've only been there for-"

James cut his dad's slurring off. "I need you to get here and meet me at whatever hospital is closest to Uncle Jim's. And whatever you do, please don't call him. Don't tell him where I am, Dad. If you care about me at all please don't call Uncle Jim, just meet me at the hospital as soon as you can fly out here. Please," James begged, hanging up and putting the phone back where he'd seen the woman take it from.

* * *

Kendall and James sat on the sidewalk, holding each other tightly for a long while, Logan and Carlos standing uncomfortably off to the side. Kendall pulled back a bit, and raised a hand to brush James' tears away when his eyes landed on James' left arm. "Shit, J. What did you do?"

James hissed as Kendall brought his hand down and his fingers lightly danced over the burns on James' arm.

"C'mon, buddy. Let's get you inside and take care of these burns," Kendall suggested, holding his breath, hoping James agreed, and standing up, offering a helping hand down to the other male.

After a minute, James reluctantly took Kendall's hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet, swaying slightly as he stood and still not arguing as Kendall placed an arm around him, supporting his weight and helping him back inside, Carlos and Logan trailing awkwardly behind the pair.


	10. Shame

Kendall supported James' weight all the way into their apartment, and then sat him down on the couch in the living room, searching the other's eyes with his own, worried by James' blank stare and lack of communication.

"James?" He asked softly after a few minutes, tossing a troubled look behind him at Logan and Carlos.

James drug his eyes away from the carpet, glancing at Kendall, looking disturbed, but gave no verbal response.

"Do you want to tell us what happened in Florida?" Kendall pressed on, wanting to hear the story from James' point of view, not from some emotionless recount in an official document.

James broke their eye contact, curling in on himself and refusing to look at any of his bandmates, shaking his head vigorously.

Carlos joined Kendall in his position squatted in front of James. "Please, buddy?"

Logan also came over, studying James' posture, and noticing how terrified and shattered their friend looked. "We aren't here to judge, James. We just want to help," He quietly comforted his longtime friend.

Again, James shook his head violently, refusing to share, refusing to delve into the details of his past.

"All right, that's okay," Kendall told him, rubbing James' knee briefly before standing up, pulling Carlos and Logan with him. "Can you give us some time alone?" He asked the other two softly, figuring he'd have more luck with James if it was just the two of them.

Logan and Carlos nodded, than both headed off to their bedrooms, leaving James and Kendall alone in the living room.

Kendall left James momentarily, searching out the burn cream and finding it back in back in their bathroom cupboard. "Let's take care of these," he suggested mildly, trying to hide his revulsion and despair over the state of the other man's arm and still unable to wrap his head around the idea of someone doing that to themselves.

James obediently held his arm out, and Kendall grasped it, willing himself not to cry like a baby since that was the last thing James needed. If Kendall had thought James' arm looked bad the other morning, that was nothing compared to the charred flesh that lay before him now. Kendall was half tempted to take James to the hospital, but he knew that wouldn't go over well, so he did his best at taking care of it on his own, afraid of alienating James even more if he made too big of a deal out of anything.

Kendall popped open the cap of the burn cream and squeezed a good amount of the thick substance onto his fingers, lowering them onto James' arm and gently rubbing it in, trying not to hurt the other male more, wincing every time James hissed in pain. Once he had all the burn marks coated in a thick layer of cream, Kendall grabbed the gauze and medical tape he'd brought along, covering up James' arm with the gauze and taping it down, so the cream wouldn't rub off in the middle of the night.

Through the whole ordeal James stayed eerily silent, other than a couple of light gasps when Kendall had pressed too hard on the burns on his arm. Kendall wouldn't admit it, but he was beyond scared at this point. James had never been one to stay silent, always speaking his mind. But Kendall was beginning to realize that maybe he didn't know James as well as he'd always thought he had. Apparently James carried secrets within him that he never felt the need to share with his best friend. Kendall couldn't help but wish James had been more open with him from the get go. He could have helped then, before things reached this point. Kendall was confused about why James' hadn't felt he could come to him in high school. They'd always been close, always been honest. So why had James chosen such a serious thing to finally lie about to his best friend? Why hadn't he come forward? Didn't he know Kendall would have been there for him in a heartbeat, no questions asked? No judgment?

"Let's get you to bed," Kendall suggested, again reaching a hand towards James.

James finally drug his eyes off the carpet long enough to peek at Kendall before casting them downwards again, but he took Kendall's hand nonetheless, allowing the younger male to pull him up off the couch and lead him into to his bedroom.

Once in James' bedroom, Kendall attempted to take charge, even though he felt completely out of control.

He confidently strode over to James' bed, quickly cleaning up the mess of papers, pill bottles and razor blades that still laid strewn over the covers. Kendall searched out the bottle of sleeping pills, shaking two out into his hand, and grabbing a half full bottle of water from James' bedside. "Here," He held one hand out with the sleeping pills and the other out with the water, both of which James obediently took, swallowing the pills down with a drink of water.

"C'mon," Kendall urged when he had James stripped down for bed. "Let's get some sleep," Kendall tugged James towards the bed. He pretended not to notice that James was currently standing in front of him in nothing more than a pair of boxer briefs that left little to the imagination.

James allowed himself to be guided into his bed, still completely unresponsive, and climbed under the covers, resting his head on his pillow and pulling his knees up to his chest.

"Just get some sleep," Kendall said gently, tucking the covers around his friend. "I'll be right across the hall in my room if you need anything."

"Don't leave," James whispered, speaking for the first time.

Kendall stopped in his tracks, turning back to study James carefully.

"What?" he asked stupidly, hoping he'd heard James right and hadn't just heard what he'd wanted to hear.

"Please," James added, voice still soft. "Stay with me."

Kendall bit his lower lip, and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself not to tear up. He drank in the sight of James lying curled up in bed, almost naked, practically begging him to stay. He was torn between being aroused and being protective of his obviously traumatized friend.

Slowly, Kendall nodded, turning back around and going back to James, dropping to his knees and clasping James' hands in his own. "If you don't won't me to go anywhere, than I'm not going anywhere," He promised.

James didn't respond vocally, but gently tugged Kendall closer to his bed until the other male got the point and crawled in bed next to James, holding the broken male in his arms again, whispering words of reassurance in his ear once more, and stroking his hair, sighing with relief when he felt James begin to drift off in his arms.

* * *

"Kendall's not in his room," Carlos announced to Logan the next morning, sounding worried.

Logan cocked his head asking, "Is he in the bathroom?"

Carlos responded with a shake of his head. "Nope. I was gonna check on James too, but I was kind of afraid to check on him alone," He admitted.

Logan sighed and nodded, standing up from where he sat on the couch and carrying his empty bowl over to the sink. "C'mon," He told Carlos as they walked over to James' room. Logan gave a timid knock on his door and waited a beat with no response before sighing again and turning the handle, quietly opening the door and peeking his head in, Carlos right behind him.

"Oh," Carlos stated, as both boys backed out of the room, confused at the sight of Kendall and James lying tangled together, both naked from the waist up in James' bed, James' face buried in Kendall's chest and Kendall's arms wrapped protectively around James.

"Um. What the fuck?" Logan asked as they headed back into the living room.

Carlos shrugged, looking as baffled as Logan felt. "I guess James didn't want to be alone?" He suggested uncertainly.

"Dude. They're cuddling in their underwear," Logan pointed out.

* * *

Kendall shifted slightly at the sound of a door softly closing, and couldn't quite place his surroundings at first as his mind began to wake up. His arms were holding someone but that someone definitely wasn't his girlfriend, and that someone was most definitely male. To make matters even more awkward, Kendall became acutely aware of his morning wood pressing hard against the waist of whatever man he was currently holding.

Without warning the previous nights' events came crashing back around Kendall like a wave, and he instinctively tightened his grip on James, wondering if his friend was going to be any different this morning than he'd been last night.

Kendall's constricted grip caused James' to begin waking up as well, and at first he merely melted into Kendall's arms, not questioning who was holding him, his mind too sleepy and still too groggy from his sleeping pills to take a full account of his surroundings.

"J," Kendall whispered, when he felt the other male change positions in his arms.

"Mmmm. No," James murmured, still mostly asleep and fighting waking up completely, too comfortable and definitely too asleep to take note of the fact that he was currently seeking refuge in the arms of another man.

"James," Kendall said a little more forcibly, gently shaking the other male.

"Mmmm," James protested again, sounding annoyed. "What?" he mumbled, still not quite awake, attempting to burrow down farther into the covers, no interest in waking up and getting out of bed, mind not yet grasping that he was in the grip of his best male friend at the moment, and had been for the entire night.

"C'mon, J," Kendall urged, surprised by his sudden desire to brush James' hair out of his eyes and kiss his forehead, much as he would have if it had been Jo in his arms and not James.

Kendall attributed the odd need to his lack of sleep and paid it no further attention, instead pulling his arms free and shoving himself into a half sitting position.

"James," he sing-songed softly. "Time to wake up."

"Uh-uh," James argued, changing positions so he was lying on his other side, facing away from Kendall. "Go 'way," He muttered, brain still too addled with the remaining effects of his sleeping pills for him to grasp the situation.

Kendall sighed inwardly, admitting defeat. They were on break now, so it wasn't like James really needed to be up for anything, and Kendall figured he could use his sleep anyway, so he stiffly shoved himself out of bed, stretching and yawning as he did so.

"Okay, J. I'm gonna go get some coffee, but you rest up. I'll be in the living room if you need me," He added in a murmur, giving into his earlier urge and quickly running his hand through James' hair, pushing the other male's bangs out of his eyes in the process. He did, however, manage to resist pressing a kiss against James' forehead, no matter how bad he wanted to. "Sleep tight," Kendall whispered, climbing out of bed and searching out his previously discarded jeans and T-shirt from the night before that he'd shed sometime in the middle of the night.

* * *

True to her word, the woman who had picked up an apprehensive James all those years ago in Florida had driven him straight to the hospital, no questions asked and no pit stops. The ride had been tense and uncomfortable, James pressed against the passenger door, staring desperately out the window, willing himself not to cry, and the lady continuously shooting worried looks at the broken teen's figure sitting next to her.

She finally pulled into the hospital's parking lot, letting her vehicle idle at the sliding glass doors to the emergency room. With a mumbled 'thank you', James had climbed out of her car, waiting until she had pulled away to stumble over to the bushes near the entrance, dropping to his haunches and swiftly emptying the entire contents of his stomach into them as the night replayed itself tauntingly in his mind.

He crouched there uncomfortably for what felt like hours, every time he thought he had himself under control another memory would invade his mind, causing him to retch over and over again, until it reached the point where he was doing nothing but dry-heaving, not even possessing any stomach bile to offer the bushes by the end.

James dropped into a sitting position after a while, trying to catch his breath, knowing he had to eventually head into the hospital.

After a long time in which James tried to get himself under control, he finally staggered through the sliding glass doors, letting himself into the hospital's emergency room and clumsily making his way towards the front desk, grasping the edges of the countertop for support when he reached it.

"I need a doctor," He choked out roughly in a distressed voice to the nurse behind the station when she glanced up at him. "Please," He added, sounding pathetic to his own ears.

For someone who worked in an emergency room and should have dealt with people in conditions much worse than his, the nurse behind the desk glanced up alarmed, her eyes travelling the body of the beaten and bruised boy in front of her.

Pressing a button on the pager in front of her, she jumped into action, quickly striding around the tall desk that separated her from James. "Okay, okay, easy," She instructed James, ushering him into a wheelchair sitting next to the desk for convenience.

Gently, the nurse helped the teen lower into the chair below him as a doctor arrived, shooting a look filled with dread at her.

"Well, what do we have here?" The doctor asked in a voice that strived for confidence, offering James a kind smile which he still shrunk away from.

"I, uh, I just got in a fight with someone from school," James stammered out the lie.

The doctor forced a grin, knowing the teen before him was lying, but playing along nonetheless in the hopes of gaining the boy's trust.

"I can see that," He responded with a forced smile. "Why don't we see what we can do about these injuries?" He asked, grasping the handles of the wheelchairs and wheeling a helpless James away towards somewhere more private.

* * *

As the drugs in James' system finally began to wean, he slowly became more aware of his surroundings, releasing a groan and blinking his eyes fully awake, blearily glancing around his room, trying to figure out why it felt like something was missing,

His bed felt oddly empty, but he shook the thought from his head, not recalling the events of the previous night as he drug himself out of bed and into the living room, walking in on a conversation he probably wasn't meant to overhear.

* * *

Kendall prepared his coffee and slowly sunk into the empty seat on Carlos' left, pretending to pay attention to the news on the TV in front of him.

"How's James?" Carlos finally asked.

"Uh, he was fine when I went to bed last night."

"That's good," Logan commented mildly from his right before going in for the kill. "And what about this morning when you woke up in his bed?"

Kendall choked on his coffee, sputtering and setting the cup on the table in front of him. "Um, what?" He asked, feigning innocence.

"Don't," Carlos warned. "We saw the two of you lying in James' bed this morning," He explained, eyes searching Kendall's, wandering the other ones' for clues.

"Anything you want to tell us?" Logan asked, pressing for details.

Kendall slowly shook his head no, refusing to make eye contact with either of them. "James didn't want to be alone," He explained lamely.

"Yeah. Anytime I want comfort from a best friend I cuddle him naked in bed," Logan responded sarcastically, not noticing James who chose that moment to walk into the living room, catching Logan's words, a hurt and embarrassed expression darkening his features.

Carlos elbowed Logan roughly, indicating James with a nod of his head even though it was too late.

"James," Logan backtracked with a forced grin. "There's coffee," he added with a fake smile, wondering how much of the conversation James had heard. If his expression was anything to go by, the answer was too much.

James cast his eyes downward in an atypical show of submission. "I'm okay," He murmured, heading towards the bathroom and refusing to make eye contact with anyone, especially Kendall who was currently shooting daggers at Logan with his eyes,

"Smooth," Kendall muttered at Logan as James shut himself in the bathroom. Eyes still full of annoyance, Kendall rose from his spot, heading over to the bathroom he and James shared knocking forcefully.

"Let me in," He demanded, jiggling the knob which was unsurprisingly locked. Kendall got no response and he shook the knob more forcibly. "J, let me in!"

He heard James mumble something from behind the door, and while he wasn't positive what his friend replied with he doubted it was an 'okay, sure!'

"James!" Kendall yelled urgently, shaking the doorknob. He got no response and with a frustrated exhale he started searching for something to jimmy the lock open with.

"Nice going Logan," He muttered in the direction of his friend who stammered out an apology.

* * *

James quickly shut himself in the bathroom, ignoring Kendall who was trying to get him to open the door and instead quickly hunting down the razor blades that were meant to refill box cutters that he kept buried in the bottom drawer underneath the clean towels. He yanked one free and after a moment of indecision gave into the need, Kendall be damned.

Pressing hard and deep into the exposed skin on his right arm since his left was bandaged from the previous night he drug the blade across his wrist sowly, feeling that brief sense of satisfaction and relief that mingled with the pain he so desperately craved. He sucked in a breath between his teeth and repeated the motion in a different spot, continuing to do so until the sound of someone trying to pick the lock broke his concentration.

"Fuckin' Kendall," He muttered. Since when was the guy an expert at breaking into places? Maybe he should reconsider a career in professional robbery.

James shoved his foot in front of the door, so that even when Kendall clicked the lock out of place he still couldn't get the door open.

"J, please, don't do this, let me in!" Kendall pounded on the door when he realized he still couldn't open it even though it was no longer locked.

"Just go away," James replied. "I'm fine," He lied.

"No you're not James! Open the damned door!"

"Go. Away." James repeated heatedly through clenched teeth in a menacingly low voice.

"James, please," A different voice joined in Kendall's pleading. "I didn't mean anything by what I said," Logan tried to explain.

James gave a dark chuckle, but refused to let anyone in, sinking down, back against the door, straightening his legs out so they rested against the wall across from the door in a firmly locked position.

Try as they might the three boys on the other side couldn't budge the door with the way James had positioned himself. Secure in the knowledge that no one could get in James picked the blade back up, once again remembering the summer from hell.

* * *

James had allowed the doctor to wheel him into a private room, and with the doctor's help had climbed out of the wheelchair and sat painfully on the bed, staying completely silent as the doctor, who had introduced himself as Dr. Norman, took his vitals and with the help of a nurse began wiping the blood from James face trying to assess the damage.

The nurse held out an ugly blue hospital to James. "Can you change into this?" She asked gently, indicating a bathroom attached to the room.

James nodded reluctantly, taking the gown and limping into the bathroom, quickly shedding his clothes and tying the gown up before heading back out into the hospital room.

"Any injuries below the face?" Dr. Norman questioned as James sat back down on the bed gingerly, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

James hesitated before giving a swift nod, and opening up his front tying gown to reveal the smattering of bruises on his chest and abdomen.

The doctor lightly pressed on an ugly, dark purple bruise located on James' ribcage, causing the teen to cry out at the pain. "You may have some broken ribs," Dr. Norman said apologetically. "We're gonna get you set up for some x-rays to check out the internal damage. Is there anything else we need to know or you want us to check on?"

James stared at the floor, refusing to make eye contact and quietly requested of the doctor in a soft voice full of humiliation, "I think I need you to do a rape kit."

* * *

Dr. Norman felt a tug at his heartstring as the teen in front of him whispered the words he'd been dreading, but expecting nonetheless. He'd been a doctor for over a decade, but some things still managed to break his heart, and seeing someone so young who'd been taken advantage of topped the list. He'd guessed that the boy in front of him had been raped from the second he'd laid eyes on him, but he'd still been hoping he had been wrong. He'd recognized the look in the boys' eyes, a mixture of pain, disbelief and shame.

The physical ailments the boy possessed could be taken care of easily. A few bandages on what he suspected were broken ribs, a couple of stitches to his cheek, a prescription for pain medication and in a few short week the teen would be back to normal. But the damage that had been done on the inside was what frightened the experienced doctor. He knew without a doubt that the boy in front of him had a long road ahead of him recovering from the emotional trauma.

Biting back a curse at whoever had felt it was acceptable to do this to a child, Dr. Norman gave the battered and broken boy in front of him a long look, before leaning down and carefully placing a hand on the teen's shoulder. "If I perform a rape kit I have to contact the police," He quietly informed James, hoping that this information didn't deter the boy from getting it. Hoping that he hadn't imagined the slight bit of determination and fight he'd glimpsed in the teen's eyes. Wondering if the boy knew what type of battle lay before him and hoping that he was prepared for it and could handle it, so that they could bring whatever sick man had done this to justice.

James finally tore his eyes away from the carpet, making brief eye contact with his doctor. "I know," He responded in a soft but resolved voice.

* * *

James slumped against the bathroom door, the fight, anger and embarrassment draining from his body just as the blood did from the multiple cuts crisscrossing his arms. He felt drowsy, and couldn't summon the energy to bring the blade up anymore, as it clattered from the grasp between his fingers to the tiled floor below. James was on the verge of passing out, and didn't notice the puddle of blood that was slowly growing on the floor below his arms as he rested it there, the thick red liquid oozing from his arm and piling up at an alarming rate. All James knew at that moment was that for the first time in a long time, he finally felt relief, finally felt like maybe there was an end in sight to all of his pain and suffering. At that moment, all James wanted was to drift off into his dreams and never wake from them. He had nothing left in him, he was done fighting, done caring. Done living.

* * *

_A/N: R&R...please?_


	11. Black

Kendall stopped banging on the door, motioning at his friends to do the same for long enough that he could press an ear to the wood and listen intently. Dread filled him as he realized he couldn't even hear James' shuffled movements anymore. With a loud curse and a well-placed kick, Kendall managed to budge the door open, James' slumped body no longer giving resistance, his knees buckling up and allowing his body to be slid partially away from the weight of force behind the door.

Kendall jumped on the opportunity, managing to get the door far enough open to squeeze in, Logan and Carlos quick on his heels.

"Fuck!" Kendall exclaimed, shocked at the sight before him and quickly dropping to his knees in front of James. "J, buddy, I need you to wake up," He said urgently, shaking the other's shoulder, feeling like he was going to be sick as he tried to avoid looking at the blood on the floor and the fresh, open wounds still oozing the thick red liquid out of his best friend's arm.

James let out a slight groan, and tried to brush Kendall away, just wanting to sleep. "Go away," he muttered, eyes fluttering open briefly before sliding back closed, his breath coming in slow, shallow gasps.

"We need to get him to the hospital," Logan stated. "He's lost a lot of blood."

James woke up a little more at the mention of a hospital. "Don't you fuckin' dare," He hissed at Kendall, eyes popping open and brown eyes drilling into green with a ferocious intensity.

"J, I think you need to go," Kendall replied, taking the wet cloth Logan pressed into his hand and picking up James' arm, attempting to wipe it clean in a futile attempt since the blood continued to seep out as fast as he could wipe it away.

"I'm not fuckin' going to a hospital. That's final," James stated, looking agitated and yanking his arm away with a grimace.

"James, you may need stitches," Logan tried to explain, crouching down next to Kendall and reaching out for James' wrist to examine his arm. "And a transfusion," He added with a sideways glance at the blood stained tile.

James jerked his arm away from Logan's grasp, eyes filling with rage and voice dangerously low. "Don't you fuckin' touch me!"

Logan backed up immediately, trying to hide the hurt he was sure was written all over his face.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine," James slurred. "Everyone just get the fuck out. Just get out and leave me the hell alone."

All three of the boys stopped their actions momentarily, surprised at James' tone. It was a tone of voice they all knew well, they'd all heard it multiple times on different occasions. It was James' warning tone that he was about to snap and the next person to piss him off was likely to receive a fist in the face. However, aside from Kendall who had heard it the previous night, none of them had ever heard it directed at them.

The three other men had never kidded themselves when it came to James. They knew he had a temper, they knew he was capable of violence, they'd even seen it firsthand a few times when someone had pushed James. He kept his emotions locked away so deep inside that when he snapped it was downright terrifying. But Logan and Carlos had never been on the receiving end of James' scary side. They both slowly backed up, away from the other male.

Kendall bit back a scream and motioned at Carlos and Logan to leave the two of them alone which they quickly complied with, scurrying out of the bathroom.

"That goes double for you," James informed Kendall when his younger friend made no move to leave his side.

Kendall shook his head stubbornly. "Hit me if you want, James. Do what you feel is necessary. But I'm not leaving you alone right now."

* * *

A sixteen year old James Diamond had lain alone in a hospital bed, eyes and fists clenched tight, willing himself not to break down as his doctor and a nurse had performed a rape kit on him. He moved when Dr. Norman asked him to, and cooperated fully, but mentally he placed himself outside of the situation, wishing he had someone there who cared about him to help him through it. His hands clenched and unclenched on empty air, so desperately needing another hand there to grasp, but he was sixteen hundred miles away from anyone who cared about him. Images of his three best friends danced behind his tightly shut eyelids and all James really wanted at that moment was one of them standing next to him, telling him it was going to be okay. Reassuring him that this wasn't the end, that he'd make it through.

But time and time again his hand merely closed in on itself and only the nurse stood next to him, rubbing his shoulder and whispering comforting words to the damaged teen.

When it was over, James was left completely alone in the hospital room, gagging and dry-heaving, wanting nothing more than to sob into comforting arms that were nowhere to be found.

Dr. Norman came back into his young patient's room half an hour later to find the teen curled tightly into himself on his side in the hospital bed, eyes glassy, and violent tremors shaking his body.

"James?" The doctor questioned, wanting to reach out to him but knowing better. "I'm going to give you a sedative to help you sleep, but first I need the name and number of your parents or guardian. My hands are tied beyond this point without an adult's consent," he explained.

"I called my dad on the way over. But it'll be awhile. He's in Minnesota and has to find a flight out," James responded in a voice void of emotion.

"Who were you staying with here? They would be a temporary legal guardian if your father gave consent for you to come stay with them in Florida," Dr. Norman pressed on, immediately realizing that was the wrong thing to say as James' trembling became more violent.

"No, no, please, no, please, you can't call him, please, he can't know I'm here, please, no," James began babbling. That was the moment that Dr. Norman knew without a doubt that whoever James had been sent to spend the summer with in Florida was the person responsible for the teen's current condition.

"Okay, all right, it's okay," The doctor reassured him. "We'll just wait for your father to arrive. But for now, all I can do is give you a sedative to help you sleep, okay?"

James nodded, willing to accept whatever the consequences were as long as no one notified his uncle as to his whereabouts.

* * *

"Don't Kendall. Just…don't. Not now. Just leave me alone," James' earlier wrath was being replaced with a contradictory plead, his voice sounding worn out and defeated,

"J, just get it through that thick skull of yours that I can't do that right now, ok? If I thought you were just upset or pissed off or whatever, I swear I'd walk away and give you your space. But this goes beyond that. You know that. I can't leave you right now because I can't guarantee you're physically okay. I promise, once I'm sure you're in no immediate danger physically, I'll give you space, but please, James. Don't ask me to walk away when I'm afraid I'd come back to find you dead." Kendall laid it all the line, his honesty cutting into the other's heart.

But James being James refused to let those emotions rise to the surface and seemed outwardly unaffected by Kendall's speech. "Fine." He replied simply, lying to himself and pretending he didn't want to curl up in Kendall's arms and cry until he had nothing left of him again. He was a man. Men didn't cry. It was as simple as that. He was pissed off enough at himself for letting his guard down momentarily the night before. That certainly wouldn't be happening again.

Kendall reached for James again, wanting to comfort him, wanting to make sure his cuts weren't life threatening and it stung deep within his soul when James recoiled from his touch just as he had from Logan's.

"Don't. Touch. Me." James said slowly through gritted teeth, jaw set tense, rejecting the comfort from his best friend.

"Sorry," Kendall mumbled, pulling his hand back, even as it itched to grab the elder male into hug. He just wanted James to know he wasn't alone in this, he just wanted James to see how much he cared. Instead he felt like an intruder in his own bathroom, felt like he was personally the one who had brought James to this point. He just wanted to fix the other man, was that really so bad?

* * *

Dr. Norman stood behind the nurses' station, typing an update into one of his patent's files on one of the nurses' computers when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"I'm looking for a James Diamond?" The voice slurred and Dr. Norman's nostrils were immediately assaulted with the sickening fragrance of alcohol and vomit.

Dr. Norman dragged his eyes away from the computer screen with dread, expecting the voice to belong to whomever had abused James, but was surprised to find himself staring into the dull eyes of an exact replica of James, if James was an alcoholic middle aged man.

"Relationship?" He asked in a clipped voice, still not completely convinced the man before him wasn't the same person who had put his young patient in the hospital in the first place.

"I'm his dad," The man responded tightly, causing James' doctor to look up in shock. Dr. Norman felt the all too familiar prickle of disappointment settle on his shoulders as he silently studied the man before him, claiming to be James' father.

He felt all hope drain from his body, his heart sinking as he took in the man before him. He was clearly a drunk and for someone whose son had called him a few hours before with what Dr. Norman could only guess was a frenzied panic, the man looked completely unaffected and unworried.

* * *

"Can I at least clean and bandage your arm?" Kendall asked into the stretching silence, still considering calling 911, James' wishes be damned.

James gave a slight shrug of his shoulders which Kendall took as a yes, and stood up to gather supplies, feeling slightly more in control of the situation now that he had something to do. Dropping down next to James again, he used a new washcloth to wipe the area clean, relieved that the blood flow had slowed.

"This is gonna sting," Kendall warned, screwing off the cap to a bottle of rubbing alcohol. James didn't respond. Kendall sighed and gripped James by the wrist lightly, turning his arm over and tipping the alcohol onto the deep cuts, apologizing softly as James cursed, fighting the instinct to jerk his arm away. Kendall quickly applied a thick layer of Neosporin, before bandaging up James' right arm to match his left.

When he was done James quickly wrenched his arm back out of Kendall's grasp, letting it fall limply to his side and closing his eyes again, still feeling tired and dizzy.

"J, you need to stay awake," Kendall commanded gently.

"M'awake," James mumbled.

Kendall decided to try another approach. "You fall asleep and I'm calling for an ambulance," The blonde threatened.

James' eyes popped open and settled into a glare directed at Kendall, but at least he kept them open this time.

"Wanna go watch some TV or something?" Kendall asked after fifteen minutes of tense silence in which James did nothing but shoot Kendall dirty looks.

"Fine," James muttered, ignoring the hand Kendall offered him and standing up on his own, which proved to be a bad idea as dizziness from blood loss hit him and he swayed on his feet, Kendall grabbing a hold of him before he crashed down to the floor. James allowed himself to be steadied before pushing Kendall away again, and somehow managed to stalk out of the bathroom on unstable footing.

Kendall shook his head and rolled his eyes, but followed the brunette out of the bathroom and into the living room where Carlos and Logan were sitting on one couch in the same tense silence the other two had been experiencing in the bathroom. This was shaping up to be a wonderful day.

* * *

Dr. Norman led James' father towards his room, giving him a rundown of his teenage patient's condition and why he was in there to begin with. It seemed James' hadn't informed his father of anything, just called him and asked him to fly in and meet him at the hospital.

The boy's father gave mechanical, emotionless responses to everything, including Dr. Norman's revelation of the rape kit and his suspicions that whoever James had been staying with was the one who'd sexually assaulted him.

"The police will be here shortly to talk with you and James," Dr. Norman added as they arrived at James' room. "He's resting, I gave him something for his anxiety."

Mr. Diamond nodded absently, and let himself into the room without another word towards Dr. Norman.

That was the weirdest and most upsetting reaction the doctor had ever seen from a parent when he was talking to them about their child's health. Most parents would have been in hysterics, or angry at whoever had done this to their child, filled with outrage and concern and rushing to get to their child to make sure they were okay. Mr. Diamond seemed like he was annoyed that he'd been forced to leave the bar and the only emotion he'd really managed to read off the drunk was a slight bit of disgust at the mention of his son being raped.

The more the doctor thought about, the angrier he got. What kind of asshole didn't care about their kid? If that was his son lying in there he would have only had two things on his agenda. First, check on his kid, make sure he was okay and tell him he loved him. Then go to whatever piece of shit he'd entrusted the care of his son to and beat them to within an inch of their life.

* * *

James sat on the couch opposite Logan and Carlos, eyes daring either of them to say anything as he did so. Kendall followed suit and sat on the couch James occupied but down at the other end, reading his friend well enough to know he did not want him sitting directly next to him right then.

Kendall picked up the remote and flicked the TV on, desperate to drown out the overwhelming silence in the room. He tried to pay attention to whatever mindless sitcom repeat was on, but he couldn't help but continuously glance at James with worry, checking to make sure he was still awake.

He thought maybe they'd made a breakthrough the night before and that today would be different. They'd wake up, have some coffee, James would actually say what was on his mind, open up and share, let his friends in for once in his damned life. And there's a chance he might have done that, but Kendall would never know now since Logan had to go and open his big stupid mouth. The more Kendall harped on it in his mind, the more furious he got with Logan and eventually he was alternating worried glances at James and angry glares at Logan.

"Logan, can I speak to you alone for a minute?" Kendall quickly stood up, marching towards his room, not even checking back to make sure the shorter one was following him since his voice had left no room for disagreement.

Logan rose up from his spot on the couch guiltily, knowing what this was about, looking at Carlos who gave him an encouraging smile and then trailing after the blonde, in no hurry to get reamed out for his careless words. He let himself in Kendall's room, shutting the door with a sigh, trying to make excuses as he turned to face his friend. "Look, Kendall-" He began only to be cut off by the person he was addressing.

"No, _you_ look, Logan! What the hell were you thinking?" Kendall's kept his voice low so that James wouldn't be able to hear him over the TV in the living room, but it still managed to sound like he was yelling at Logan, and Logan knew for a fact Kendall very rarely raised his voice at people. Kendall wasn't one to lose his cool, so when he did you knew he was seriously pissed off at you.

"We find out not twelve hours ago that James was fucking raped as a teenager and the very next morning you're making jokes about him being in bed with another man naked? Are you kidding me? Insensitive much, asshole?" Kendall continued, pointing an accusing finger at Logan, towering above him, causing Logan to take a step back.

"You think he's ever going to fucking talk to us now? He just tried to fucking kill himself!"

"Are you done?" Logan asked, growing every bit as irritated as Kendall, straightening up and crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Not even close," Kendall scowled.

"Well let me just ask you this. Can I be the pot? I mean unless your heart's set on it in which case I'll be the kettle, since they're both friggin' black!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kendall asked, genuine surprise on his face.

"Yeah, I put my foot in my mouth, that's nothing new. I didn't think before I spoke and James happened to overhear it and I hurt him, you think I'm not beating myself up about it enough right now as it is? But what about you, Kendall, huh? Like you said we found out James was raped twelve hours ago and it took you, what? Two hours to jump into bed with him? Classy," Logan matched Kendall glare for glare.

Kendall sputtered angrily for a moment before throwing up his hands in frustration. "It's not like that!"

"Than what is it like? What's going on between you two? Did you forget your both straight and that you have a girlfriend?" Logan's voice softened, sincerely curious as to the situation between two of his best friends. James and Kendall had always been closer with each other than the other two, they'd known each other the longest, but as far as Logan knew it had always been a friendship and he was completely baffled as to what he and Carlos had walked in on that morning.

Kendall sighed, and went over to his bed sinking down on it and burying his head in his hands, mumbling an "I don't know," at Logan. Because everything Logan had just asked him were the same questions that had been running through his mind for the past two days. And he didn't have any answers for himself or for Logan. All he knew was the way he looked at James and thought about James was changing and that scared him shitless. The thought of losing James was one he couldn't even comprehend, be it because he went and got some stupid man-crush on his best friend and alienated him or because he couldn't protect his best friend and he killed himself. Kendall knew he had to get his head straight if he wanted to have any luck at getting through to James and helping him, because right now he couldn't tell down from up.


	12. Cruel

_A/N: I know nothing of state laws and the legal system in FL. Obviously. I tried to research some of it, but I'm pretty sure all I succeeded in doing was causing Google to judge me and think I'm some type of sick, twisted pedophile. So just pretend everything is correct, ok? And feel free to review! __Also, I am now officially at my vacation house in FL for the next week and half, so I should be able to crank out the updates, but keep in mind, reviews spur me to update even faster! (Yes, that is bribery, thank you for noticing.) This chapter will delve farther into why James never shared what happened with his friends and clear up some of the confusion as to why he never felt comfortable or safe confiding in Kendall or Carlos or Logan. So, yay for that. Also, can I please just add that I am completely obsessed with James Maslow's cover of 'Love Somebody'? Yup, yup! Enjoy Chapter 12 (the longest chapter to date!) and thanks to all that have reviewed, favorite and alerted. I try to respond to every review, but if I missed yours I apologize!_

* * *

"So how'd it go with Stephanie?" James asked Carlos letting his eyes drift away from the television screen to settle on his friend.

Carlos startled, since James hadn't said anything the whole time he'd been in the living room, but he quickly regained his composure, smiling brightly. "Great! She's amazing. I was gonna call her later and see when she'd want to get together again," He admitted the last part in a sheepish tone.

"No three day rule for you, huh, Animal?" James asked with a wry grin, knowing Carlos was way too impatient to wait three days to call someone he liked.

"What you think it will make me look desperate?" He asked, beginning to fret. James was the one that was a master with the ladies, after all. Maybe he should wait at least a couple days so he didn't look too eager. He really wanted to see where this would go, the last thing Carlos wanted was to run the girl off before their second date because he came across as clingy.

"No, man, I'm sure you'll be fine. If you really like her than do what feels right, don't play games with her. You wanna call her, you call her," James reassured his friend.

Carlos sighed in relief, grinning again, because he wasn't sure he would have made it three days anyway.

Pondering the fact that James was currently acting like James again, Carlos decided to pounce on the opportunity. "So, you know that-"

"Don't," James snapped, attitude quickly changing again when he realized where Carlos was headed by the sympathetic look in his friend's eyes. "Don't ask me about it, don't mention it and don't you dare feel sorry for me." Standing up he gave himself a moment to get his balance since he still felt woozy before going back to his room and shutting the door a with a slam.

Carlos sat on the couch open-mouthed, not knowing where he went wrong, and that was how Logan found him when he reappeared without Kendall a minute later.

"'Litos?" He asked. "Where's James?" He added, looking around the room, eyes landing on the closed bedroom door. "He probably shouldn't go to sleep or be alone right now," Logan sighed knowing he was the last person James wanted anything to do with.

"He asked about Stephanie, and he seemed okay, so I started to tell him he could talk to us and he snapped at me and stomped off," Carlos explained, hanging his head.

"It's not you he's mad at. Hell, it's not even me or Kendall really. He just has more on his plate than any of us realized, that's all," Logan told Carlos with a sad smile. "But I'm gonna go see if he'll talk to me."

Closing his eyes and counting to three, Logan quickly rapt on the bedroom door that seemed constantly closed and locked lately, steeling himself for whatever James yelled out from the other side.

"It's open," A sullen voice said from within, surprising Logan. That was pretty much the last thing he'd expected.

"It's Logan," He warned before opening the door, giving James a chance to change his mind.

"And I said," The door was wrenched open, revealing James pulling a long sleeve shirt over his head. "That it's fuckin' open." James turned on his heel and went back to his bed, sagging back on his pillows, waiting to hear what Logan had to say.

"Can we talk?" Logan asked, walking over and sitting next to James on his bed.

"Yup. We're doing it right now in fact. It's amazing, isn't it?"

"James, you know what I mean. Look, I'm sorry okay? I shouldn't have said what I did, but that's what I do, you know that. I always say shit without thinking," Logan sighed, risking a glance at James who was staring up at the ceiling.

When James didn't reply, Logan plowed on. "I didn't mean to upset you."

James continued to stay silent until Logan was about to give up and retreat and then he said in a soft voice, "I know." Sighing and rubbing the back of his neck, James finally looked over at Logan. "It wasn't you, okay? It was…everything. Everything is just so fucked up and I don't know how it got to this point. I'm just sick of it. Sick and fucking tired of all this bullshit."

"So talk to us, James. Let us in, let us help you. That's what were here for," Logan replied kindly, placing a hand on James shoulder.

James averted his eyes and gave a sigh. "I can't. At least not now. Please, just leave it be."

Logan nodded, understanding. "Will you at least join us back in the living room? I'm still not sure you shouldn't be at a hospital and I'd feel a whole lot better if I could keep an eye on you."

James looked like he was about to protest, but then he just sighed again and relented. "Fine."

* * *

Kendall punched his pillow in frustration and flopped onto his bed. How did things get so complicated so fast? And how had his best friend been this damaged for so long and he failed to notice?

And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the guilty feeling Logan's words had left in the pit of his stomach. The way he'd been acting these past couple days wasn't fair to anyone. James, Jo or even himself. He needed to get his head on straight…no pun intended…and figure out what the hell was going on with him lately. He'd always been the protective type, so maybe that explained some of his behavior with James, but it sure didn't explain away how he looked at James and thought about him this past week. It didn't explain the tightness in his pants when he saw the other shirtless, it didn't explain the urge he'd had to kiss him when they'd been on the bathroom floor. And it didn't explain sleeping in bed with him the past two nights either. Or the fact that he could easily picture himself falling asleep next to and waking up next to the brunette every day for the rest of his life.

_Okay, slow your roll, Kendall. What the fuck, now you want to marry James? _He thought to himself. He muffled a scream into his pillow, wishing he knew a way to just turn his brain off for a bit. He knew he should go back out to check on James, but he was afraid he'd see nothing but hatred in the other's eyes. _Yeah, cause he's damaged beyond belief right now and you're fucking taking advantage of him,_ His mind taunted him one last time.

* * *

James finished his recount of the night's events to the two police officers sitting in the chairs next to his hospital bed in the same detached voice he'd had since arriving at the hospital, the same dead look lurking in his eyes.

"Anything else?" The older looking officer asked the boy when he'd stopped talking.

James shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "Not really," He murmured quietly, still too afraid to look at his dad, not knowing what the man would be feeling after hearing the story.

"Okay. With your testament and the rape kit we have enough evidence to arrest him, the question is if you want to press charges?"

James finally stole a peek at his dad and flinched when he saw that the only emotion playing on the man's face was boredom mixed with repulsion and disappointment. Not that he was repulsed by what his son had endured, or disappointed in his brother-in-law. No he was repulsed by his son and disappointed in him for allowing it to happen. James could already tell his father blamed him for this happening. He knew his dad would never look at him the same way again.

If he wanted to go through with this, if he wanted to press charges against his uncle, put the man behind bars for what he'd done to him than James knew he was on his own. He didn't have his dad's support now, and truth be told, he hadn't had it in a long time.

For the first time since the policemen had entered his room, James looked up at them, making eye contact as he stated in a firm voice, "Yes."

Both of the officers smiled at this, because otherwise there wouldn't have been much they could do.

"You're going to need to stay in Florida for the length of the trial," The younger officer informed him.

James glanced again at his father, wondering if he would even bother staying with him through the ordeal. It didn't matter either way. James wasn't about to let his uncle walk, and possibly put another kid through the same hell or worse. And if his father decided he didn't care enough to stand by his only son when he needed him, than so fucking what. James had been taking care of himself for some time now, and he could continue to do so, he had money saved up from his part time job at the dog kennel, he could afford a sleazy hotel room and some ramen noodles if need be.

"How long?"

"There's no way of knowing for sure. But probably a couple months or so."

"Okay," James agreed, again staring at his father, willing the man to look up and offer some type of support or sentiment. He didn't receive it of course, but he could always hope.

* * *

Kendall went back out to join the others and was surprised to find James and Logan sitting on the same couch, some of the tension in the room having disappeared since he'd last been there.

James' eyes still had a slight glassy look that Kendall wasn't fond of and his normally tan skin was pale, but he no longer looked close to passing out, nor like he wanted to murder the other three occupants in the room, both of which were probably good signs.

Kendall stared intently at Carlos until the Latino turned his head, making eye contact and giving him a questioning look. Motioning with his head Kendall managed to get the point across that he wanted to be alone with James.

"I think I'm gonna go and text Stephanie," Carlos announced jumping up. "Logan, help me with the spelling."

"Uh, dude, you have autocorrect, you'll be fine," Logan replied, completely oblivious to why Carlos wanted his help.

Carlos huffed, and grabbed Logan as he walked out of the room, pulling him along with him. "Yeah, well my spelling is so bad even autocorrect can't figure that shit out."

James watched the pair with an amused expression on his face, knowing Kendall well enough to figure out why Carlos suddenly needed help sending a simple text. He waited until they were out of the room before turning to Kendall. "You want something?"

"Yeah, for Animal to a better actor," Kendall complained.

James snorted in response. "Spit it out, K."

"Okay, fine. Look, you don't want to talk about what happened in high school just yet, then fine, we won't. You don't want to talk about the, um, injuring, again fine, we won't. But talk to me about something, please. Explain some part of what's going on in that head of yours, man. Like the steroids. What the fuck is up with those?"

"Uh, hello? Have you seen me without a shirt on? Explanation enough," James smirked, aiming for his typically cocky grin, but falling somewhat short.

"Please, J?"

James was silent for so long that Kendall was about to give up hope of receiving an answer when the other man suddenly stood up and walked out of the room, only to reappear a minute later, tossing two pictures down onto Kendall's lap.

"What?" Kendall asked confused, studying the photos in his hand. One was from their sophomore year of high school and the other was from their junior year. Both pictures were taken directly after a soccer game where their team had won, and both were vaguely similar. The four boys standing together, arms slung casually over each other's shoulder, shirts soaked in sweat had been pulled off their bodies and slung around their necks, leaving all four boys bare chested in both photographs.

Kendall, Carlos and Logan looked pretty much the exact same in each photograph. Same smile, same look in their eyes, same physique. But not James.

Kendall studied James in the earlier one first. He had an easy grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye, his build nothing compared to what he looked like now. He was still in shape, still had an athletic body, but it was more the lean type that was typical of a high school athlete or a boxer. Kendall swiveled his eyes to study the later picture next. James still had a grin on his face, but it looked more forced, and it didn't quite reach his eyes, which held nothing but a haunted look and a tiredness that went beyond playing soccer too hard. His build in the second picture was much more comparable to how James looked now. Muscles rippling from too much time at the gym, he resembled a wrestler more so than a boxer in that photograph, and he definitely didn't look like someone you'd mess with without a second thought.

"You've been taking steroids since high school?" Kendall asked, stunned and completely baffled. "Why?"

James gave a humorless laugh. "Because. If I hadn't been so weak that summer, it would have never happened. He came into my room in the middle of the fucking night. He overpowered me so damn easily, managed to hold me down, and hold me off all the while tying me up so I couldn't fucking escape. If I had been stronger back then, it wouldn't have happened, Kendall. If I had spent more time at the gym, and less time goofing off with you guys, I would have been able to take him easy. Don't you get it, Kendall? Don't you see? It's my own damn fault because I was too fucking weak!"

"James," Kendall breathed wretchedly, heart shattering for the umpteenth time that week, as he slowly shook his head, praying his friend didn't really believe the words he'd just spoken. "You can't believe that. You can't think this is your fault," Kendall looked up into James' eyes and immediately knew he was wrong. James was absolutely convinced it was his own fault. James had convinced himself beyond a doubt a long time ago that he could have prevented it.

James didn't look at Kendall, positive he'd see the same reaction in Kendall's face as he'd seen in his father's. "I never told you, any of you, because I didn't need you guys to be sickened by me like my own father was," James admitted, not giving Kendall time to react or process his words as he strode away from the couch and was out the front door before Kendall could yell at him to stop.

* * *

James slumped against the wall in front of his apartment building realizing that this whole storming out on Kendall with nowhere to go was becoming way too commonplace lately.

"James?" He heard a questioning voice and bit back a groan, wondering why Kendall couldn't just leave him be. But when he looked up he wasn't staring into the face of the Knight he was expecting.

"Katie!" He quickly stood up, ignoring the wave of nausea and pasted yet another fake smile on his face. It wasn't all that uncommon for Katie to stop by the guy's apartment for a quick visit, after she'd finished high school she'd been accepted to Columbia University and the nineteen year old tried to make a habit of visiting her brother and his friends every couple weeks.

"Whoa, you don't look so good," Katie said, reaching a hand out to steady James.

James gave a forced chuckle. "Yeah, had a little too much to drink last night," The lie rolled easily off his tongue. "Just needed some fresh air," He flashed her one of his patented thousand watt grins, once again glad that he was such a good actor. He really should branch out into movies or television.

Katie just smiled and shook her head. That was James for you. He lived the rock star lifestyle to the fullest. She couldn't even begin to count the number of times she'd seen James drunk or hungover.

"Well why don't we get you back inside? You look like you're about to pass out here on the sidewalk," She suggested mildly.

"No, no, you go on up and see Kendall. I'm gonna stay here for a bit," James gave a weak smile, praying that Katie would take the hint and leave.

"Okay," She replied slowly. "If you're sure?"

"Definitely, K 2.0," He widened his grin and used his old nickname for her. "I'll be up as soon as my stomach isn't so twisted."

"All right, see you later," Katie chirped, leaning over to give James a kiss on the cheek before she bounded up the steps to the guy's shared apartment.

James waited until he saw her retreating figure get on the elevator to turn and walk as quickly as he could away from the building.

* * *

Kendall opened the door to head out after James and almost walked smack into his sister who had a fist raised, about to knock on the door. "Katie!"

"Jeez, why does everyone sound so surprised to see me today?" She mused.

"Everyone?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, I saw James fighting off a wicked hangover outside the building," Katie smirked, jerking a thumb over her shoulder.

"Is he still out there?" Kendall asked worriedly, peering around Katie's shoulder as if he could see the outside of the building that way.

"Um, I don't know, why? Lover's spat?" She joked. Kendall paled slightly at this causing Katie to step back and study her older brother. "Okay that was a joke, big brother. What is up with you two? James was almost as jumpy as you."

"Um, nothing. It's nothing. How have you been?" Kendall asked distractedly, still looking out the door, hoping to see James.

"Bullshit." Katie stated.

"Hey! Language!"

"Oh my God, Kendall, I'm almost twenty, I've said worse."

Kendall finally pried his eyes away from the open door to shoot his younger sister a look. "Yeah, well, not in my presence."

"Fine. _Fuck_," Katie purposely enunciated the word loudly and carefully, placing a hand on her hip and frowning at her brother. "Now I've said worse in your presence."

Kendall scowled, but knew better than to get into this argument with Katie.

"So?" Katie asked tapping a foot.

"So what?"

"Oh, Jesus! Sew buttons on ice cream and see if the stick, what do you think? I want answers as to what's up with you and James or I will bug you until you tell me."

"Don't you have homework or something?"

"I'm waiting."

Kendall swallowed thickly, avoiding Katie's hardened stare and mumbling something about the situation being out of her league.

"Like I said before, big brother. I'm twenty now. I'm not a little kid," She reminded him in a kinder voice than before, her senses alerting her that whatever was up between the two was more serious than James having slept with Jo like she'd originally expected.

"I know that, baby sister," Kendall finally replied, taking a seat at the kitchen table. "But this, hell this is out of _my_ league."

"Then tell me about it. Maybe we can figure it out together," Katie sat down next to him and gave him an encouraging smile.

Kendall took a deep breath, started, stopped, and then started again, finally spilling everything to his sister, feeling guilty because he felt that he was ruining some of her innocence as well, and too embarrassed to even look at her the entire time.

* * *

In the end it had taken James a month and a half to put his uncle behind bars. And he was sorely lacking in support from his father the whole time. His dad had claimed he needed to get back to Minnesota, but had at least paid for James' hotel room and left him a credit card for food and necessities.

Two days after the incident, James had watched his father turn and walk out on him at the moment when he needed him most. But he bit back a sob, pretended he didn't care, acted like he didn't need his father's support and used the credit card to hire the best lawyer in Orlando.

The moment his father turned his back on him was when James learned to be an amazing actor and realized how easy it was to slip on a mask and pretend like everything was fine and dandy, even if he was falling apart on the inside. He kept his true thoughts and feelings locked away as his dad walked out the door to the hotel room. What he really wanted to do was to run after the man who was supposed to always be there for him, the man who was supposed to love him unconditionally. Tell him he needed him, needed his support, needed his love. But he knew that would be met with nothing but annoyance and indifference, so instead he watched his father walk away and steeled himself for what lay ahead.

Along with his lawyer and doctor, James gathered a compelling case against his uncle, leaving little to no doubt in the mind of the sympathetic jurors that his uncle was an evil and twisted man who had preyed upon a helpless teenager with no regrets. James had thought he'd feel relief when he heard the verdict, but that wasn't the case. Instead all he felt was a brief sense of satisfaction and a fleeting thought of _"Now what?"_

How was he supposed to return to his normal life in Minnesota after this? What was he supposed to say to Kendall or Logan or Carlos when they asked how Florida was? _"Oh, it was fantastic. I saw Disney World, Orlando Studios, did some surfing, and got raped and beat up by my uncle?"_ Yeah, not happening. The four of them never had any secrets, they shared everything. But James knew this was one thing he would have to keep hidden from his friends. He wasn't surprised at his father's reactions. But if his friends reacted the same way? James wouldn't be able to handle that and he knew it. So he made up his mind, he could never speak of it. He would just bury it down deep, forget about it and pretend it had never happened. His best friends never needed to know what had happened.

* * *

"Shit," Katie repeated for what seemed like the thousandth time, relaxing back in her chair, hand still lightly covering her mouth. She hadn't expected that to be the story that fell from her brother's lips.

"What are you gonna do, big brother?"

Kendall let out an emotional breath and raised his eyes off the tabletop. "I don't know what _to_ do, baby sister," He admitted. His gaze dropped back down and he said quietly, "I don't know if there's anything I even _can_ do at this point."

Katie could hear the pain in her brother's voice. She knew how much James meant to him, but she also guessed that this went beyond the typical best friends feelings. Leave it to her brother to wait until now to have a sexual identity crisis concerning his best friend.

"Okay," Katie said authoritatively, sitting up straight. "Here's what we do. First, you put whatever confusing feelings you're having for James on the back burner, because they can be dealt with later," She commanded, ignoring Kendall's surprised expression, since that had been the one thing he'd left completely out of the recount. "Second, we get the hell out of this apartment and find James before he either passes out in an alley somewhere or does something even more stupid."

Kendall nodded along enthusiastically, glad to have a plan, glad his sister has chosen that moment to drop by for a visit. While he'd always been the one with the plan in his friend's eyes, the one giving pep talks and spurring the group into action, what they didn't realize was most of his schemes and advice had originally come from his little sister who was, at times, annoyingly wise beyond her years.

"Logan, Carlos, you guys in?" Katie yelled over her shoulder, surprising all three of them. Kendall hadn't realized they'd been listening in from Carlos' room and the other two hadn't realized she'd been aware of their eavesdropping.

"Um, yeah, sounds like a plan," Logan said sheepishly, shoving Carlos out of the room ahead of himself.

"Good. Let's go," Katie said decisively, standing up and strolling out the front door, not bothering to look behind her and see if the guys were following her since she knew they would be.

* * *

James ignored the pounding in his head and the throbbing in his arms, shoving open the door to one of the first bars he passed by, casting a cautious glance at the clock above the bar, glad it was past three so he wouldn't look like a complete lush.

He dropped onto one of the stools and gave his usual order. "Top shelf Irish whiskey. Neat. Leave the fuckin' bottle." Before the young punk behind the bar could protest or even point out that he was James Diamond, James pulled a handful of one hundred dollar bills out of his wallet and tossed them on the sticky bar in front of him. "Change is yours if you keep your damn mouth shut about who I am and don't tell anyone where I am," He spat out, all niceties gone as his summer from hell continued to play on a loop in his head, refusing to give him even a moment's peace.

James allowed his head to drop down onto the bar, not raising it until he heard the clink of glass against wood. The bartender was placing a bottle of Middelton Very Rare in front of him and had turned to get a glass. James scoffed and stopped him in his tracks. "I don't need the fuckin' glass," He informed the bartender, who looked taken aback, but complied anyways, shrugging and taking the money off the bar, pocketing the majority of it, and placing the rest in the till.

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, got a gun you could shoot me in the face with?" James muttered.

"I'm sorry?"

"Nothing, never mind," James sighed, unscrewing the cap to his safe haven and taking a long swallow, lighting a cigarette immediately after. As was typically the case the bartender said nothing, allowing James' to break the law by lighting up, knowing his manager would fire him if he found out the rock star had been in his bar and had been kicked out for something as simple as lighting a cigarette.

* * *

James had walked back into his house in Minnesota for the first time in three months, feeling somewhat energized by his win against his uncle, relieved beyond belief to know the man was locked away for at least five years, taking solace in the fact that no one else would suffer what he had at the hands of that bastard.

But within a few minutes of letting himself in and putting his suitcase on his bed, James was thrown back into his harsh reality.

"Well I'll be damned, if it isn't the fag back from his summer vacation in Florida."

James whirled around at the cruel voice that came from his bedroom door, trying to erase the hurt from his face as he spied his father, looking even more drunk than normal, darkening his doorway.

"I'm not a fag, dad. I didn't want it," He responded in a soft voice, full of hurt, which his father ignored.

"Yeah, I'm sure," His father sneered, the alcohol coursing through his veins causing him to become spiteful. "I bet you snuck into his room yourself, seducing him. Begging for it. Then playing the innocent woe is me card when you realized how sick you were," His dad spat at him, stalking even farther into the room, causing James to back up until the back of his legs bumped into the side of his bed.

"You sicken me," His father hissed in a dangerous voice, getting directly into James' face. Before James could react his father had raised his hand and smacked him roughly on the cheek.

James gasped, sitting down abruptly on the bed and holding his cheek in his hand. Sure, his dad had pretty much not been around since his mom died, but he'd never raised a hand to James, he'd always been more of a passive drunk. He'd never been abusive, never been cruel. He'd merely not cared, not given a shit about the teen. James could deal with that. He'd gotten used to it. But this new side of his dad, this was one he couldn't comprehend. He saw nothing but hatred and disgust in the man's eyes. And it scared and confused him. Surely he had to realize James hadn't asked for it, certainly hadn't wanted it.

But with every step towards him his father made, James understood something had changed in his father in the time he'd been absent. His dad was no longer the drunken, absentee father who ignored him. Now he was paying too much attention to him. Now he looked hell bent on destroying the teen in front of him, either not noticing or not caring that James was already destroyed beyond repair as he balled his hand in a tight fist and brought it forward with surprising speed, connecting with James' jaw with a sickening crunch and ignoring his son's cry of pain.


	13. Why?

_A/N: So sorry for the wait! Damn writer's block. But I think we're back on track and can expect an update twice a week or so again? Let's hope! Please enjoy Chapter 13 and **please** R&R! I love to hear everyone's thoughts and speculations!_

* * *

James was so focused on his mission to forget about everything that he didn't stop to think that drinking so much alcohol after losing a fair amount of blood was probably a bad idea. So he continued to suck down the bottle of one hundred and fifty dollar whiskey as if it was nothing more than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. He didn't realize his mistake until it was too late. He stood up to leave and stumbled slightly, grabbing the bar in front of him for support.

"Hey, man, you okay?" The bartender asked, looking at him with what seemed like genuine concern, causing James to laugh in his face.

"M'fine. Perfect n'fact," He slurred, trying to regain his balance but failing miserably and eventually ending up sitting back down on his barstool.

"Can I call a cab or a friend?" The bartender pushed on, causing James to grow annoyed.

"I said I'm fuckin' fine," He retorted, more annoyed than he knew he should have been. "I just drank too much after…" He trailed off, not finishing his thought, allowing his head to drop forward onto the bar with a thump.

"Okay, no you're not," The bartender replied, forcing James' head up. "I really think I should call a friend. Or an ambulance."

James snapped his head up at that, about to respond but the front door to the bar flew open.

"Hey has…" Kendall's voice trailed off as his eyes landed on James, who looked so far gone that he was afraid he'd never get him back. "Never mind," he quickly muttered to the shaken bartender, rushing over to his best friend and bandmate. "J? C'mon man, we gotta get you out of here," His voice had softened considerably as he gathered James' impressive frame in his arms, helping the other male to stand up, gently guiding him towards the door.

Katie glanced at the bartender, looking apologetic. "Does he have a tab that needs paid?" She asked, already reaching in her purse for her wallet.

"No, he paid up front. I'm sorry, I didn't-"

Katie cut him off. "Don't worry, not your fault," She assured him, throwing him another look of apology as she hurried out of the bar after her brother who was struggling out the front door supporting most of James' weight. Katie took up residence on his other side, before asking her brother, "Where to?"

Kendall looked like he wanted to say home, but instead he gave a sharp sigh and passed his free hand over his face. "I guess to the hospital?"

James made of noise of protest in between them, but he wasn't really in any position to argue.

Katie hailed a cab and the siblings ushered James into the back, crawling in on opposite sides of him, Kendall telling the cab driver to go to the hospital and pulling out his phone to text Logan and Carlos to meet him there.

When the cab pulled up in front of the hospital, James was passed out in between Katie and Kendall, his head lolled to the side, resting on Kendall's shoulder. Kendall threw some cash towards the driver, gripping James and gently shoving him out of the cab, attempting to wake him in the process.

"C'mon, J. Wake up and walk," Kendall urged, standing him up on the sidewalk with the help of Katie.

Katie had a better idea and slapped him across the face.

"Katie!"

"What? It worked!" She defended her actions as James blinked his eyes open, crumbling into Kendall's arms.

Kendall steadied him again. "Hey, man, we're at the hospital, ok? I just need you to walk in for me."

"Not going in the hospital. Hate them," James slurred, standing his ground as best he could and weakly shoving the blond away from him.

"Yeah, well you really should have thought about that before you tried to kill yourself and then topped it off by drinking a bottle of whiskey," Kendall retorted, losing his patience. "You have to go in."

Katie reached for James as he wavered on his feet, but he swatted her away. "Think about it, K," James muttered, beginning to come to more. "If the tabloids get ahold of this, it'll be everywhere. I'm not dealing with seeing stories about my suicide attempt and alcoholism all over the magazines for the next two months."

"So you admit you have a problem with alcohol?"

"Fuck you. Quit putting words in my mouth," James glared.

"Look, J, I know what the repercussions may be, but your health comes first. You're going in even if I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you in."

James quirked an eyebrow and then shrugged his shoulders and sat down in the middle of the crowded sidewalk by the hospital. "Make me," He sulked.

"Oh my God! How old are you?" Kendall exclaimed. "Not helping, Katie!" Kendall turned to his sister who had slapped a hand over her mouth in a failed attempt to hide her laughter at the sight of the rock star sitting in the street, pouting like a two year old who had been denied a second cookie.

Kendall reached down and grabbed one of James' arms, "Help me," He told Katie, who got her laughter under control long enough to grab James' other arm as the siblings hauled the inebriated man to his feet and shoved him towards the entrance to the emergency room.

They were almost to the entrance when Katie let go of James and backed away. "Um, dude, you look like you're about to-"

James immediately turned and threw up all over Kendall before passing out again, with Kendall jumping back in exclamation and Katie shooting back forward to grab James before he passed out on the sidewalk and ended up with a concussion on top of everything.

* * *

"Dude, you reek," Katie pointed out, rather unnecessarily in Kendall's opinion, shortly after James had been whisked away on a stretcher.

"Gee I wonder why?" Kendall retorted sarcastically, wrinkling his nose in disgust as he glance down at himself. He was absolutely covered in James' vomit. Pants, shirt, shoes all coated in it and smelling rather foul.

"Just saying. I'd really rather not be around you nor be associated with you at the present time," Katie added helpfully.

Kendall glared at her. "I'm going outside to see if I can find new clothes somewhere. Keep an eye out for Carlos and Logan, will you?" He didn't wait for an answer, just stalked out of the sliding glass doors at the hospital's entrance. It didn't take Kendall long to realize this particular hospital was located in a very inconvenient location, clothing wise. And he really need something else to wear fast, because people were continuously shooting him grossed out looks and the last thing he needed was a picture of him covered in puke on the front page of _People_.

He finally came across a street vendor, selling cheesy "_I love NYC_" type of clothing. Knowing it was the best he was going to get he took a deep breath and looked at the clothes.

An exorbitant amount of money later, Kendall walked away from the booth, ducking into a side alley and making sure he was alone before stripping off his old clothes and changing, shoving them into the bag and tossing them in a nearby dumpster. He frowned down at himself, taking in the outfit he now wore. A plain white shirt declaring "I heart NYC", a pair of gym shorts that were styled after the American flag in the worst way possible and Crocs. _Fucking Crocs_. "This couldn't possibly get any more embarrassing," he moaned out loud, sulking off down the street and heading back to the hospital where he ran into Carlos and Logan about to head in.

"Uh….nice outfit," Logan said, trying not to laugh.

"Are we aiming for a new look with the band?" Carlos chimed in, snickering.

"I hate both of you," Kendall stated, turning from his former friends and stalking into the hospital, where Katie immediately burst into laughter and took out her phone, snapping a picture. "I have to put this on Twitter," She giggled.

"Don't you dare!"

* * *

"So what do we do when this leaks to the tabloids?" Logan finally asked, as the small group sat in the waiting room at the hospital.

Kendall glanced up and shot Logan a look of annoyance. "Really? Is that all you can think about? How this affects our image?" He scoffed. "Anyways, we're a rock band. Someone trying to kill themselves and getting alcohol poisoning is par for the course. They'll barely blink."

"I think you're being too optimistic," Carlos said softly from the side. "The alcohol poisoning wouldn't make them think twice. But James trying to kill himself? It could be bad when that gets out."

"I wasn't thinking of how it would reflect on our band," Logan interjected, looking slightly wounded that Kendall would think so low of him. "I meant, how will it affect James' recovery when he has it shoved in his face every time he leaves the apartment? What's he going to say to reporter's when they ask him why? What if they start digging into his past and find out what he went through? James was so ashamed he wouldn't even tell us, his best friends. He kept it a secret for almost a decade from _us_. You really think he wants all of America to know?"

"Well what choice did I have Logan! Take him home and hope he didn't die?"

"Kendall, calm down," Carlos sighed. "We aren't accusing you for bringing him here, we would have done the same. But we need to try and get him in and out without anyone finding out except his doctors. We need to contact our lawyer and see if we can make them sign a confidentiality agreement. Maybe if anyone saw you enter or sees us leave we can play it off as just alcohol poisoning."

"Since when are you the voice of reason?" Logan asked Carlos, trying to lighten the mood.

"Shut up," Carlos frowned.

Kendall gave a tight smile, and then quit listening to his friends. All he wanted to know was how his James was. They'd been there for almost an hour and he hadn't spoken to the doctor yet.

"Kendall Knight?" A voice spoke from the front of the room, and Kendall's head snapped up and he jumped out of his seat.

"Yeah? Is James ok? Can you even tell me? We're not family." Shit, he should have lied and said they were brothers.

"It's ok, you're listed as his emergency contact so I can give you full disclosure," The doctor said with a kind smile. Carlos, Logan and Katie pressed up close behind Kendall, eager for news as well. "I might as well tell all of you," He exhaled. "James is going to be fine. We did end up intubating him and placing him on a ventilator until he awakes fully and we feel he can breathe on his own. James also required a small transfusion due to the amount of blood he lost. We also had to stitch up some of the deeper cuts, but physically he's fine and resting right now and should be able to go home in a couple hours."

"Physically?" Kendall asked.

"Psychologically, I can't guarantee you anything. Those wounds, as I'm sure you're all aware, were self-inflicted. Whether James intended to kill himself or simply his self-harm got out of control I can only speculate, but either way this is a serious issue and your friend needs help. I noticed a lot of scars on his body. He needs therapy," The doctor clarified. "If you hadn't brought him here this could have turned out very different. It isn't something to take lightly."

"Can we see him?" Kendall asked, after processing the doctor's words.

"Sure, come with me."

* * *

"All right this is just weird and creepy," Katie commented rather bluntly after a few minutes of the four of them standing around James' bed and staring at his unconscious body. "I hate to sound insensitive-Hey!" She protested when all three of the guys snorted at that. "_But_ I need to get home. Call me later big brother, let me know how James is?"

"You got it, baby sister. Thanks for your help."

"Anytime. Bye guys," Katie gave a wave and left, leaving only the four men alone in the room.

"I think we're gonna head home to, if you don't mind staying and bringing James home when he wakes up?" Logan looked at Kendall, motioning between himself and Carlos, sensing that Kendall wanted time alone with James when the other man finally woke.

Kendall merely nodded, not giving a verbal response. Carlos clapped him on the back. "He'll be okay. This is James. He's a fighter," He reminded the blond, with a quick hug.

"Text us when he wakes and you're headed home," Logan said, giving Kendall a squeeze as well.

Kendall nodded mutely and waited until he and James were alone in the hospital room to sink down into a chair next to the bed.

"I can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself," Kendall murmured to his comatose friend. "You have to let me in, you have to let me help you." As expected, James didn't stir, didn't give any response.

"God, J," Kendall continued, hoping that somehow his words were seeping into James' cataleptic mind. "You have to know how many people care about you. We just want you to be ok. We just want to help. Why didn't you come to me sooner? I would have done whatever I could, you have to know that. We've always been there for each other. We've always supported each other. We've never judged. Goddammit, James!" Kendall suddenly got angry, jumping out of the chair and beginning to pace the small room. "Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you come to me? I can't lose you! I just can't! I need you, James, and you need me. That's how we are, that's how we've always been. But you needed me and you never came to me! You never opened up. You pushed it all away and shut me out. Why? Huh? Why James, why?"

Kendall couldn't help but allow his emotions to take over at this point, and he dropped down next to James' bed, gripping the larger man's unresponsive body up in a fierce hug. "Let me help you. Let me save you. Let me love you," He pleaded, choking on a sob.


	14. Lyrics

_A/N: So this took longer than I originally planned to get posted, but for some reason this chapter took a lot out of me emotionally. It's nothing groundbreaking by any means, but it is my favorite chapter of this story to date. The first song used is "Don't let Me Go" by The Click Five and the second is "You Give Me Hope" by Between The Trees. Please R&R if you feel compelled to do so. Also, if you want updates about this, or my other stories or random amount of bullshit, find me on Tumblr, username is the same as on here! Enjoy!_

* * *

Night had already fallen by the time James woke up and got himself checked out of the hospital with a stern lecture about drinking and self-harm from his doctor, Kendall remaining oddly silent the whole time, not even cracking a smile when James complimented his new risky fashion choice. He continued his silence as they walked back out on the streets and the entire cab ride home, as well. James didn't exactly try to strike up conversation either though. For the first time ever he couldn't get a handle on Kendall's mood, he had no insight as to what the other was thinking or feeling. The cab ride was tense and awkward, the silence most certainly not comfortable, both men lost in their own thoughts, having a million things to say to each other but neither of them opening up.

Even the cab driver felt relief when he pulled up in front of their apartment complex. James handed over a few bills, telling him to keep the change and followed Kendall out back into the night.

"I need to go take care of something," Kendall said suddenly before they got to the doors to the lobby. "I'll be back in a couple hours, though. And you and I are talking." He turned, not giving James a chance to respond or protest.

James watched him walk off down the sidewalk and had a feeling that was one conversation he was not going to enjoy. But he also knew he had no hope of getting out of it. He mumbled a curse and let himself in, heading towards their apartment, steeling himself to deal with Logan and Carlos.

He stood outside the front door for a minute, nervously twiddling his key, not knowing what to expect. When he finally went in he was met with more silence. The apartment was empty and Carlos and Logan were nowhere to be found. He breathed a sigh of relief, finally relaxing for the first time since the night before, welcoming the empty apartment.

Lighting up a cigarette he went to his room, intent on sleeping until Kendall got back. The second he walked in he noticed that something felt off, but he shoved the thought out of his head, figuring it was lingering weirdness from the blood loss and alcohol poisoning. His lock box was sitting on his desk where Kendall must have put it at some point the night before, so he walked over to it to search out his sleeping pills and that was when he realized what was off. "Motherfuckers," He cursed his bandmates. The steroids, painkillers and razor blades were all missing. They'd left him his papers, sleeping pills and antidepressants, but taken everything else. He found his bottle of Xanax, surprised they left that, but then he noticed they'd only left two pills in the bottle. What was he supposed to ask for anxiety medication when he had a panic attack like a fuckin' thirteen year old? "Assholes."

* * *

Kendall knocked on Jo's door and then groaned inwardly when he realized what he was wearing. He really should have changed first. Of course, he had plenty of clothes here, so he could change easily, but he'd really prefer not to have her see him in Crocs period.

"Kendall?" Jo asked, tilting her head confused, taking in his look. "Um…what are you doing here? And what are you wearing?"

"Long story. Can I come in?"

Jo stepped back and held the door open. "I've been calling you all day," She informed him, her tone half hurt and half accusing.

"Sorry, it's been a…long day," Kendall apologized. "I'll explain more after I change, okay?"

Jo watched him walk away baffled by his behavior. She could sense the distance between them lately and today he'd ignored her only to show up at her apartment in some awkward Captain America wannabe shorts and Crocs. And on top of that he barely sounded sorry and he hadn't even attempted to kiss her hello. He always gave her a hello kiss. With a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach she pulled two beers out of the fridge and sat on the sofa waiting for Kendall, opening one up and sipping at it uneasily.

Kendall appeared a few minutes later, looking much more like himself in jeans, a t-shirt and an old pair of sneakers he'd left behind at some point.

He took the seat across from Jo as opposed to next to her, which only worsened her fear as to where this conversation was headed.

"I didn't answer your calls or texts today because I was at the hospital with James," He began, holding up a hand to cut off her question. "He made a couple of stupid decisions this morning and we had to take him to the emergency room. He's fine now, but I came over here as soon as I got him home. He's going through a lot more right now than I suspected."

"Okay," Jo said slowly, not missing the fact that Kendall didn't actually tell her _why_ James was in the hospital.

"I've loved you for a really long time, you know that right?"

Jo turned her head, refusing to make eye contact and holding out the other beer towards Kendall.

"You're breaking up with me aren't you?" She asked softly as Kendal accepted the can.

"I'm sorry," Kendall whispered, feeling like a complete jerk. "It wouldn't be fair to you for me to stay with you right now. I'm questioning a lot of things and I need to figure out where my head's at," He offered up an explanation that sounded lame even to his own ears, popping the tab and draining half the beer in one long swallow.

Jo gave a choked laugh, tears clouding her vision. "It's not me it's you, right?" She asked, with just a hint of sarcasm. Biting her lip, trying not to break down into tears she finally gave in and locked eyes with her now ex-boyfriend. "You're in love with James aren't you?" She asked him dead point. The shock and guilt written on Kendall's face gave her all the answers she needed. "It's okay. I've suspected for some time. Even if you didn't see it, I think I kinda always did."

"He needs me right now, Jo. I'm so sorry." There went the last half of that beer.

Jo nodded, standing up and that signaled Kendall to follow suit, placing the empty beer can on her coffee table as he did so. She headed towards the door and Kendall trailed behind, stepping back out into the hallway when she opened the door.

He was about to turn and walk away when Jo told him, "Just don't break his heart like you broke mine, Kendall. And don't let him break yours either."

Kendall nodded and repeated, "I'm sorry." Leaning down he placed a kiss on her cheek before walking off, figuring they could get their belongings from each other sometime down the line, when the emotions weren't so raw, the wounds weren't so fresh.

Even though he felt like an asshole, even though he knew how badly he'd just hurt Jo, his step felt a little lighter. Now he just had to go and have an even more difficult conversation with James. Find a way to force his friend to open up to him completely, once and for all. And maybe mention the fact that there was a slight possibility he was bisexual. And falling in love with him. Or maybe those could wait.

* * *

Kendall could hear the piano the second he got off the elevator, which meant James was definitely still up and that he was also refusing to cofront his problems. James tended to use music as an escape, but you could always get a feel for his mood by what he was playing and the melody Kendall listened to as he walked in their apartment just sounded…sad. Like he'd lost all hope.

He stood watching James play for a few minutes, since the other man was too entranced in the music to take note that he was no longer alone in the apartment. James' fingers glided over the keys with ease, he always made it look so simple and yet so intricate at the same time, making it seem at one point that anyone should be able to make music like that but then he'd switch it up and his fingers would be flying and you couldn't even keep up. It was mesmerizing to Kendall every time he caught James playing piano.

Kendall walked over, picking up his guitar and joining in to the unfamiliar tune as best he could. James didn't look at him, but he gave a small smile and slowed down, switching into a different song, one Kendall recognized because they'd been working on it a few weeks ago. They'd only worked out a rough melody so far, no lyrics, but Kendall played along, strumming out the chords, looking up and noticing how at peace James looked in that moment, wondering if he would ever have that peace for more than just a few minutes during a jam session.

As they continued to play the melody and he thought about James and the entire situation, words began forming in Kendall's mind and without even really meaning to he began to sing them out loud along to the tune.

_I can see your shadow layin' in the moonlight_

_I can feel your heart beat playin' on my right side_

_Every night I long for this, makin' up what I miss_

_I can hear you breathin', lettin' out a sad sigh_

_You try so hard, to hide your scars_

_Always on your guard_

_Don't, don't let me go_

_Don't make me hold on_

_When you're not_

_Don't, don't turn away_

_What can I say_

_So you won't_

_No don't, don't let me go_

_I can see the skyline fadin' in the distance_

_Tears are comin' down and I'm tryin' just to make sense_

_I don't listen to the radio, just the engine and the road_

_I wonder if my words are makin' any difference_

_I dream and then it seems to end_

_But always comes again_

_Don't, don't let me go_

_Don't make me hold on_

_When you're not_

_Don't, don't turn away_

_What can I say_

_So you won't_

_No don't, don't let me go_

_I'm comin' down to where you're standin'_

_I need you now_

_Or you'll be watchin' me hit the ground_

_With a crash landin'_

_Don't, don't let me go_

_Don't make me hold on_

_When you're not_

_Don't, don't turn away_

_What can I say_

_So you won't_

_No don't, don't let me go_

_Don't let me go_

_Don't let me go_

Kendall strummed out the final chords and James' fingers came to a halt on the keys in a perfect synchronization that could only be found in two people who had been playing together their whole lives. James shut the lid and swiveled on the piano bench, acknowledging Kendall for the first time, but not the words or lyrics he'd just sung.

'You changed," He stated, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I was at Jo's. We broke up."

"Shit, K, I'm sorry. You okay, man?" James looked surprised.

"Yeah. I broke up with her, actually."

Now James looked confused. "What? Why?"

Kendall felt his heart clench at that, wondering how it wasn't painfully obvious to James as to why, but he just shrugged. "Reasons. We drifted apart. It's been coming, I think. Look, I really don't want to talk about me and Jo right now. There's more important things to discuss, don't you think?"

James shook his head. "No, not really. Want a beer? I want a beer," James stood to go to the kitchen, Kendall jumping up and grabbing him by the arm.

"Dude! You like, _just_ got out of the hospital for alcohol poisoning! You can't drink!"

"Killjoy," James muttered. "Fine. How about coffee?"

Kendall nodded and then noticed James' smirk as he walked off. "Regular coffee, James! No Irish coffee!"

James shot a glare over his shoulder, hating how well Kendall knew him right then, but poured two cups of boring coffee with nothing added nonetheless, sulking as he handed Kendall his cup and then went into his room, Kendall right on his heels.

"Oh no you don't," Kendall grabbed the door before he could close it. "We're doing this."

James sat down on his bed, sipping at his coffee and shooting murderous looks over his cup at Kendall, but he didn't force him out of his room, so Kendall took that as a sign to continue, and he sat down on the bed next to James.

"James, we used to talk about everything. Back in eighth grade, when my dad died so shortly after your mom, we spent hours every night talking. What happened to that? What happened to _us_? Why won't you talk to me about this?"

"If you remember I never talked to you about my mom until your dad passed. Then we were in the same boat. We were dealing with the same shit. Did your uncle happen to rape you too? Because then we can have us some good old fashioned male bonding," The last part was said with such bitterness that Kendall winced. That was the first time James had admitted it to him out loud, the first time the word rape had left his lips, and he'd said it with a bluntness that surprised Kendall, not even bothering to skirt around the word.

Kendall gathered himself, wondering how smart it really was to ask the question that had been burning in his mind ever since James had left the apartment earlier, finally plowing ahead regardless. "What happened with your dad James? What did you mean about us being sickened by you like he was?"

* * *

The next year of James life became absolute hell, living under the same roof as his dad. He became the man's verbal and physical punching bag. The beatings never went too far, a punch here, a kick there, no it was the words he slew at James that hurt the most. Useless. Worthless. Fag. Slut. Whore. Sick. Perverted. Twisted. Unwanted. It didn't take James long to prove his father right, either. If his father wanted him to be a whore, than fine, that could be arranged. He began sleeping with every willing girl in his high school and most of the surrounding ones. And there were plenty to choose from. Sure he got a reputation for being a playboy, but in the end that just helped his mission. The girls didn't expect him to call them afterwards, didn't expect it to go anywhere. And that was just what James wanted.

James also spent that year focusing on two other things; working out and the band. Either he was forcing the guys to practice and book gigs and record demos or he was at the gym, pumping iron, bulking up, getting himself to a point where his deadbeat dad wouldn't dare lay a hand on him again.

It was the second week of his senior year when he finally snapped at home, his dad taking a drunken swing at him and James easily overpowering him, reaching a hand up and grabbing his father's fist out of the air in his own. "Don't you dare lay another fucking hand on me, or so help me God it will be the last thing you do," He said in a low growl, twisting his dad's arm as he did so. He manipulated his father until he had him held down at an awkward angle below him, the older man too surprised, too drunk and now too weak to fight off his son. "Nine months and I'm out of here. We can either finish out these nine months by pretending the other doesn't exist, or I can go to child services and show them all the photographs I took every time you fuckin' smacked me around, all the words I recorded when you reminded me what a worthless piece of shit I was and I can have you behind bars so fast you're head'll spin. Take your pick, old man."

And that was the last time James had actually opened his mouth and spoken to his father. His dad hadn't replied, just scurried off after James let him loose, but the rest of the year finished out in a tense avoidance. James continued to do the grocery shopping, the laundry and the cleaning, his dad continued to pay and they simply ignored each other. James came and went as he pleased, putting even more energy into the band, into getting discovered and working out a way to get the hell out of Dodge.

It happened just before graduation, they were contacted by a producer who had heard their demos and wanted them to come to New York and record more. James didn't share the news with his dad. He pretended not to notice or care when his father missed his high school graduation. And the day after they graduated, he found himself with all his belongings packed and on a plane to NYC with his three best friends and band mates. He hadn't seen his dad since he walked out the door over seven years ago. There was no tearful goodbye scene, no promise to call and write and no charade that either one of them would miss the other. Just James, glancing over his shoulder, staring at his father with hate-filled eyes while the older Diamond watched his son walk out of his life, never to return. The rest, as they say, is history.

* * *

James squeezed his eyes shut, and rubbed his temple, as if the memories gave him a headache. "My dad hated me after that. He ignored me before, which at the time I resented him for, but after he found out what happened…I don't know. He just lost it. Told me I asked for it. Called me a fag. A slut. Worthless. Punched me. Kicked me. Called me some more names. The look in his eyes when he visited me at the hospital. He no longer had a son after that, not one he was willing to claim. He was disgusted by me. Said I sickened him." James drew in a shuddering breath and then gave a humorless laugh. "Bastard didn't even stay with me for the trial." The resentment in his tone was evident, but hidden a little deeper was the pain and heartache that had brought him.

"He said those things to you? He hit you?" Kendall asked in disbelief, almost wishing James was playing some type of sick joke on him. He knew that after James' mom had died his home life had become less than ideal, they all had an inkling. James had suddenly stopped inviting them to his house and instead they always went to one of the other three's. From the few things James had mentioned, Kendall had pieced it together that his father had become an alcoholic and James took care of most things around the house. But he'd never suspected his dad had turned violent and hateful. He would have stepped in in a split second had he known. How could a man just turn on a son he'd once cared for and loved like that? Kendall had known Mr. Diamond back in middle and grade school, he'd clearly cared for his family. He understood how he could turn to alcohol after losing his wife, although he'd never understood how the man didn't step up and be there for his son who had just lost his mother. But still…to turn on your son so completely at the moment when he needed you the most? It was just beginning to sink in for Kendall how truly alone James had been through the whole ordeal. He would have had to stand on a witness stand in a city far from home, by himself and testify, knowing there was no one in the courtroom that was there for him, that cared about his wellbeing.

Kendall felt like he was going to be sick. "James, I'm not your dad. I don't think any less of you. If anything I respect you more, knowing what you went through and doing it by yourself? It took guts to stand up to your uncle, even more so without your dad's support. But you didn't have to go through that alone. Logan, Carlos and I were just a phone call and a plane ride away. We would've been there in a heartbeat, J. We still are here. Let us help you now."

"I don't need your help," James said in a stubborn but unconvincing voice that was just barely above a whisper.

"Yes you do, James. _Yes you do_. Do you not understand that I can't sit idly by and watch you destroy yourself? You're too good for that. You have too much to offer this world."

"I don't have anything left to offer this world," James disagreed quietly.

Kendall stared at his friend, searching for the right words but falling short for once. He couldn't bear how James had gone from a once cocky and fun-loving teen into the broken shell of a man he was these days. His confidence was gone, his self-worth depleted and he just looked so hopeless, as if for the first time in his life he was ready to give up. The James Diamond Kendall once knew never gave up. He persevered, he fought, he believed in himself. Kendall hoped he never came across James' father or uncle because he wasn't so sure he could be held accountable for his actions if he ever did. They'd taken the happiest, carefree person he'd ever known and ground him so deep into the dirt that he was convinced that was what he was now, where he belonged. They ripped away everything from him, and when he'd had nothing left to give they'd just spit on him and taken more anyway.

"James…" Kendall trailed off, still tongue tied, no longer knowing what words to say to comfort him.

"Don't, Kendall. I don't need your pity."

"Ok," Kendall replied softly. "That's fine. Because I don't pity you, J. I love you. And I know you're better than this. I know you can get through this. _We_ can get through this. Together. How we've always done it. Not by using alcohol, not by taking pills, not by cutting and burning yourself. Maybe those actions make you feel better in the short run, but apparently they've done shit for the long run. So you need to find another way to deal with this. James I need you to promise me that when it gets to the point that you feel you need to turn to alcohol or drugs or razor blades you come to me or Logan or Carlos first. You don't even have to talk, you don't have to tell us what's going on in that thick head of yours, just come be with us. Let us help you. Because what you're doing now? It's not helping you. And I refuse to bury my best friend. I fuckin' refuse to. I'm not going anywhere and neither are Logan or Carlos. You're kind of stuck with us. So take advantage of that. Please?"

James was quiet for a long while before finally looking up at Kendall and saying, "I can't promise anything K. I can tell you I'll try, but don't you dare ask me to make promises I can't keep and don't expect me to keep promises I can't make."

"But you'll try?"

James closed his eyes but gave a swift nod. "I'll try." Setting his coffee cup down, James rose from the bed, disappearing from the room, only to return a minute later holding his guitar. He didn't say a word to Kendall, just pulled out his desk chair and sat down, playing a song Kendall didn't recognize. Kendall couldn't help but smile, albeit a bittersweet one, as he listened to James sing. They always had communicated through lyrics and song better than anything else.

_I look at your smiling face,_

_You're so weak, yet you have such strength,_

_You take a glance around this place,_

_You make the best of everything_

_You give me hope, in spite of everything,_

_You show me love, even with so much pain_

_So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try_

_We laugh, we cry_

_Sometimes we're broken and we don't know why,_

_I'm tired and I lose my way,_

_You help me find faith_

_You give me hope, in spite of everything,_

_You show me love, even with so much pain_

_So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try_

_Just give me another try_

_You give me hope, in spite of everything,_

_You show me love, even with so much pain_

_So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try_

_You give me hope, in spite of everything,_

_You show me love, even with so much pain_

_So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try_

_Just give me another try_

_Just give me another try_

"Jesus," James commented after a few minutes of silence since he'd brought the song to an end. "Since when did we become the fuckin' saps that play bullshit coffee house Jack Johnson wannabe type music?"

Kendall couldn't help himself and he let out a laugh, James joining in shortly after. And Kendall felt like maybe there really was hope, maybe there was a chance everything would turn out okay. All he knew was it felt good to laugh with James again, to look at him and not see his beautiful eyes clouded over with pent up secrets and pain and anger.

Kendall wasn't an idiot. He knew things weren't going to just take a sudden turn and be ok after a quick heart to heart and a couple songs. He knew there was still a big chunk of the story he didn't know, that James had only shared the barest of outlines so far. He knew James still had a lot of issues to work through and a long way to go before he would be okay, but it felt like they'd finally made the exit onto a road of recovery. Like this could be a turning point. He just had to make sure he was there for James, no matter what no matter when. He had to make sure James knew that. And he had to keep the fact that every single moment of every single day he was falling more and more in love with him to himself, because he knew that was the last thing James needed to deal with right now. James needed to get better first. His own feelings would just have to be set aside for the time being.

Which is why it was a very, very bad idea for Kendall to do what he did next. When James sat back down on the bed, with a light in his eyes that hadn't been there for days, Kendall surged forward and grabbed the other man's face in his hands and kissed him hard on the lips.


	15. Humpty Dumpty

Kendall had never realized that kissing was supposed to be such an amazing experience. Not until the moment his lips met James', that was. He'd never felt anything close to how he felt when his lips connected with James'. Kissing Jo had been nice, sure. Kissing all the other girls he'd kissed throughout high school had been pleasant. He'd never even realized he'd been missing out, honestly. But now he knew he had been. Kendall finally understood why people made such a big deal out of something as simple as a kiss.

It was short-lived though, as two strong hands planted themselves firmly on his chest and shoved him away viciously. "Dude, what the _fuck_?!"

Kendall was still a little dazed and he blinked rapidly in response before jumping up off the bed, covering his mouth with his hand. "Shit! Fuck! I'm sorry, J, I didn't-"

"I'm not a fuckin' fag, Kendall!"

Okay that stung. "Wow, really? Sorry, guess I missed the part where you were homophobic," Kendall spit back, feeling his heart breaking.

"Look, that came out wrong, okay? If you're gay, that's cool, man. But I'm not. No matter what my dad said," James turned away and suddenly Kendall realized exactly what mistake he had just made. James wouldn't admit it even if he was gay. Not after what his dad and uncle had put him through. And Kendall forcing a kiss on him probably hadn't brought up the best memories in James' mind,

"James, I'm sorry, I didn't," Kendall searched for the words. "I just-"

"Just go. Please. Leave. I want to be alone."

But this time Kendall stood his ground and shook his head. He knew he'd made a mistake, a big one at that, but he refused to allow James to pull this shit on him again. "No. I'm sick of you shutting down all the time and locking yourself away. Dammit, James, just talk to me! Or Carlos or Logan or a therapist or someone, anyone! But stop acting like everything is okay when it so obviously isn't! Stop refusing to face your problems because that's not the type of person you are! You're stronger than this, you aren't some damn ostrich who sticks his head in the sand when he's scared. You're a fighter and a survivor so start acting like it!" The more Kendall spoke the more he worked himself up, finally spilling all of his frustrations free. He was done walking on eggshells around James, always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, treating James like some invalid. In the end it wasn't really helping anyone. So he was going to change his approach.

"What do you want from me, Kendall? Because I promise you, I have nothing left to give anymore. You want to hear how it felt being tied down while my god damn uncle raped me? Fine! It made me feel weak. And dirty. And sick. It fucking hurt and not just physically! You want to know how it felt to be a teenage boy showing up at a hospital beaten and bruised in the middle of the night and asking for a rape kit? It was embarrassing! You want to know how it felt to lie on a hospital bed hours after being raped and have a doctor perform that rape kit? Because that was just downright humiliating! Or would you rather know what it's like to have your father show up after you've been through that and to see nothing but hatred and repulsion on his face because you dared to let something like that happen? Or I could explain to you how fuckin' demeaning it was to be seventeen and stand in front of twelve strangers and replay every fucking moment of your worst nightmare in detail to them while the man who put you through that listens and laughs! He fucking laughed! And I didn't have a single god damn person there for me. My father wasn't there for me! Oh maybe that's what you want to know about? Going home only to be mocked and hit and degraded for something you never asked for in the first place, something you couldn't stop even though you tried! Is that it? Is that what you wanted? To know that every single god damn second of my life since that happened I've felt worthless and weak and that not a second goes by that I don't wish I had the guts to just kill myself and get rid of the pain and the memories once and for all? Or how about what it feels like to know that you don't matter to your own father? To know that you sicken him and that he wishes you didn't exist?" By the time James finished he was standing directly in front of Kendall, his chest heaving with ragged breathing, looking like he couldn't decide if he wanted to cry or punch a wall.

"Yes," Kendall responded, throwing the older male for a loop.

"What?"

"Yes, James. I want to know how all that felt, I want to know how _you_ felt. And then I want to help you overcome this once and for all and show you that you're wrong, that they were wrong! That you're worth so much more than those assholes made you feel like you were. I want you to see yourself through other's people's eyes, through mine or Logan's or Carlos' or my mom's or Katie's or even our fans who look up to you and adore you. The eyes of people who see how amazing you are and who can't imagine a life without you in it. The eyes of all the people who love you, because trust me we outnumber those pieces of shit! I can't pretend to understand what you've been through. But I can promise to be here whenever you need to talk. I like to think I listen better than a razor blade or a bottle of whiskey."

James turned away, refusing to acknowledge what Kendall had just said. "I'm going to bed," He murmured, doing the one thing Kendall had practically begged him not to and shutting in on himself.

Kendall stood there staring at his back for a few minutes before realizing they wouldn't be getting anywhere else tonight. "I'm sorry," Kendall repeated in a low voice, still feeling bad about kissing James and also still feeling a slight sting from James' words, but mostly just feeling a sense of despair and worry, wanting nothing more than to shake him by his shoulders and force him to see how much he mattered in this oftentimes cruel and unforgiving world.

He walked out of James bedroom just as Logan and Carlos were walking in the front door. "Where were you two?"

"Figuring things out with the lawyer. We got everyone who saw James to sign a confidentiality agreement. If they're asked about the incident they will simply ay it was alcohol poisoning," Logan explained.

"Oh. That's good," Kendall responded unenthusiastically.

"Um, yeah, actually it is," Carlos said, giving Kendall a questioning look, knowing something major had happened but having no clue as to what. "Is James okay?"

"Yeah, I just kinda fucked up."

Both men raised their eyebrows and Kendall sighed, sitting down on the couch. "We were sorta having a serious discussion and I may have accidentally, um, kissed him," He admitted.

Logan smacked him upside the head. "Are you fuckin' stupid?"

"Ow! Logan that hurt!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Let me try again," Logan retorted, the sarcasm dripping from his voice as he hit him again. "Are you fuckin' stupid?"

"I didn't mean to! It just kind of…happened."

"James probably has enough to deal with right now without adding in that his _straight_ and _taken_ best friend has a crush on him," Carlos piped up.

"I may have broken up with Jo earlier."

"And you're gay now?"

"I don't know! Jesus! Can a man not question his sexuality now?"

"Kendall you know we don't mean it like that. You're our brother no matter what, but man, if you're going to turn gay now, James may not be the best option," Logan responded a little more gently, sitting across from Kendall.

Carlos sat next to him. "Yeah, Kendall, c'mon. He's pretty fucked up right now, I don't think he needs to worry about things getting weird between you two on top of everything."

Kendall buried his head in his hands. "I know," He muttered. "I didn't even mean to, not really. He just looked so…" Kendall trailed off again, giving a helpless shrug. "I know it was stupid, ok? Trust me, I'm mad enough at myself right now and I don't need you two giving me grief on top of it," Kendall sighed and passed a hand over his face, suddenly feeling years older than he was and wishing he knew what to do, where to go from there. "'I'm going to sleep," He announced abruptly, jumping up and heading in the direction of his bedroom.

"Okay, good night," Logan and Carlos chorused, watching him walk off and then exchanging a look, both of them realizing the dynamics in their friendship, band and apartment had just changed and gotten a lot more complicated, probably not for the better.

* * *

Kendall stripped down to his underwear, still cursing himself out for his lack of impulse control and crawled in between his sheets. What the hell had he been thinking? Of course, that was just it. He hadn't been thinking. It didn't matter what he felt right now. Even if James was feeling an inkling of what he was he knew the other man wouldn't admit to it. And right now they should all be focusing on getting James better, anyways. Not trying to get into his pants like Kendall apparently was. He replayed the scene over and over in his mind as he tossed and turned in bed, his cheeks flaming every time he remembered James shoving him away and all but calling him a fag. Was this what his life would be like now? If he ever chose to come out as…gay, bisexual whatever the fuck he was, is that what he would be subjected to? Hurtful words, disgusted looks? The same thing James had unfairly received at the hands of his own father? No wonder he was so fucked in the head. Kendall was beyond hurt at having had the insult slung his way once. James had listened to it for two years as a repercussion from something he hadn't even wanted in the first place.

* * *

Kendall shifted again, glancing at his phone and seeing it was after four in the morning. Apparently sleep wouldn't be on tonight's agenda. He stiffened when he heard his bedroom door creak open, continuing to keep still as someone snuck in his room, the floorboards groaning under their weight.

"Kendall?" James' voice drifted out from next to his bed, sounding hesitant, unsure, scared even.

"James?" Kendall asked, sitting up slightly and going to turn on his bedside lamp only for his visitor to reach over and stop his hand.

"No lights," James demanded. "I can't sleep. I keep having…I just can't sleep." He sounded so miserable that Kendall had to refrain from jumping out of bed and hugging him, afraid of scaring him off, afraid of doing the wrong thing and chasing him away yet again.

"Can I, uh, do you mind..." James trailed off, not wanting to say it, but Kendall knew what he was asking.

"Of course," he replied, scooting over to make room and pulling the covers back.

James hesitated for a moment before sliding under the covers next to Kendall, both men resting on their backs. "I'm sorry," He said so softly that Kendall barely heard.

"Nothing to be sorry for," Kendall lied, the word fag repeating over and over in his head in James' malicious voice.

The two men continued to lie next to each other, not quite touching, both wrapped up in their own thoughts and both waiting for the other to speak first. James was the first to cave. "I was out of line."

"Maybe," Kendall agreed. "But so was I. If you want we can just pretend it didn't happen," He offered, even though he knew no amount of pretending would really erase it on either of their ends.

James didn't reply and he was quiet for so long that Kendall thought he'd fallen asleep until he glanced over at the man lying next to him and could just barely make out the silent tears tracking their way out of his eyes and down the side of his face.

Kendall turned on his side, hesitantly reaching for him and was surprised when James turned into his body, burying his head in the space between Kendall's shoulder and the bed. Kendall wrapped one arm around James, and brought his other one up, running his fingers through James' hair in a soothing manner. "It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. I promise," He told him, hoping James didn't pull away again and shut him out, taken aback when the other simply curled farther into him, allowing himself to once again break down in the blonde's arms.

Kendall couldn't have been more confused, but for the moment he didn't question it and tried not to dwell on the apparent split personality his best friend seemed to possess as of late. He simply continued to comfort James, holding him tight and whispering words of encouragement in his ear, tracing invisible patterns on his bare back and praying that humpty dumpty could be put back together again. Once again, the pair drifted off to sleep, wrapped up in each other with James wanting to forget and Kendall wanting to take all of the other's pain away.

* * *

When Kendall woke up late the next afternoon he was alone in his bed and he tried his best to shove away the empty feeling that left within him. He wasn't even sure if he was gay now so he really shouldn't allow himself to grow accustomed to falling asleep and waking up next to his best male friend. He dragged himself out of bed and shuffled towards his door thinking about coffee, only to run smack into James who was coming back into his room holding two cups of freshly brewed coffee. James' quick reflexes saved the shorter male from being covered in the scalding hot liquid, as he yanked his hands back so the coffee sloshed onto the floor and not onto Kendall's exposed skin.

"For me?" Kendall asked, stretching out an arm and making grabbing motions with his hands.

James chuckled, and handed him one. "One of them is. The other's mine, greedy."

Kendall took a noisy gulp, glad he used cream since his was cooled off enough drink straight away. "Mmmm. Coffee," He sighed happily.

James held his cup with one hand and scratched the back of his neck with the other, looking everywhere but at Kendall. "We okay?" He asked.

"Yeah. Of course," Kendall reassured him with a forced smile.

James gave a sigh of relief. "Good, good. I got some shit to take care of today, so I'll see you later."

"Ok. Later," Kendall echoed, watching him walk away and forcing himself not to stare at the other man's ass. _Fuck, why am I always so horny in the mornings?_ He thought, adjusting himself and almost leaping out of his skin when Logan appeared in front of him.

"Hey got a minute to talk with Animal and I?"

Kendall considered lying since he could guess where this conversation would head but in the end he agreed, following Logan into the living room where Carlos was looking rather nervous. He always had disliked confrontation.

Kendall rolled his eyes, taking the seat across from them. "Spit it out, guys."

"Look, Kendall, we aren't trying to tell you what to do, it's just….have you really even thought any of this through?"

"Yeah, I have. Believe it or not, I'm not a complete moron, Logie."

"I understand you're confused or whatever right now, but just think about the facts! First off, after what he went through, do you really think James would ever want to be with a guy again? And even if he did, you do realize you'd end up the heartbroken one, right? Not sure if you've noticed but James isn't exactly one for commitment. Who's to say you wouldn't just be another notch on his bedpost? We're worried about both of you here, Kendall, not just James."

Kendall chewed on his lower lip, calming himself down before he replied to his shorter friend. "I know you care about both of us, but Logan this doesn't concern you. Neither of you," he added with a pointed look at Carlos who had remained silent so far.

"That's where you're wrong. Something happens between you, who to say it won't affect the band? And that would affect us!"

"Yeah well maybe some things are more important than this stupid fucking band, Logan!"

"Kendall we aren't saying that you and James aren't more important than the band," Carlos finally spoke up. "But, well, you guys just aren't what each other needs, no matter how much you wish that wasn't true."

Kendall closed his eyes and nodded his head slowly. "Yeah? And how do you know that, 'Los? How do you know I'm not exactly what James needs and he isn't exactly what I need?"

"Because he's not gay Kendall! And neither were you until yesterday!" Logan yelled exasperated, finally losing his patience.

"Oh, okay. And you know this because you're in both of our minds and know exactly what we're thinking and feeling. Last time I checked, straight men didn't choose to share a bed three nights in a row. But what do I know, right? Do me a favor. This doesn't concern you. Either of you. So just stay the fuck out of it, all right?" Kendall seethed, storming out of the living room and slamming his bedroom door behind him, so angry with Logan and Carlos that he was shaking.


	16. Faith

_A/N: I apologize for the long time between updates in my stories, but my job has gotten crazy as of late and there's simply nothing I can do to rectify the situation and unfortunately I don't see the circumstances altering anytime in the near future so updates to this as well as Pride and Ego will be intermittent and I apologize but just know I haven't given up on this! I'm just busy, busy busy! R&R!_

* * *

James stood outside of a building, looking up and studying it. To every other passerby it looked like any other generic building that would blend into the New York City skyline. To James it looked scary and formidable and no matter how many times he tried he couldn't seem to make his feet move and bring himself to walk in the front doors. With a silent pep talk and a few more drags off of his cigarette, James steeled himself and grabbed the handle to the glass door, flicking his cigarette butt on the ground and quickly ducking inside before he lost his nerve.

A receptionist smiled at him a little too brightly behind a large mahogany desk. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, um, what floor is Dr. Lashley's office on?"

"Take the elevator to the third floor and make a left. Her office is the second door on the right."

James nodded and forced himself to walk towards the elevator and get on, pressing the correct button and then fidgeting the whole way up, hesitantly stepping off when it came to a stop and dinged, the door opening up for him. Faster than he wanted he found himself standing outside of a plain, wooden door, a black plaque with gold writing on the wall next to it proclaiming _306 Dr. Dawn Lashley, PhD._

James grabbed the doorknob, wrenching it open and going in before he could talk himself out of it. He glanced at his surroundings, surprised that it looked like an ordinary doctor's office waiting room. Blue chairs, tables with different magazines, and a secretary seated behind a glass window, motioning him forward and pointing towards the sign in sheet.

"Name?" She asked in a bored tone as James scribbled his information on the clipboard.

"James Diamond," He muttered, cringing when she glanced up with recognition, wishing for once he could go somewhere without being recognized.

The secretary quickly recovered herself though, and when she spoke next it sounded just a little bit more friendly and flirty than it had before. "Dr. Lashley should be with you shortly, I just need you to fill out some forms and I also need your insurance card."

James nodded, reaching in his back pocket for his wallet and fishing out the white and blue piece of plastic, sliding it to the other side of the counter and taking the clipboard with blank forms and the pen with a grimace of thanks. He'd barely had time to complete them and retrieve his insurance card when the secretary informed him the doctor was ready for him. Heart pounding in his chest, James walked through the door, and followed her down a short hallway and through another door where she gestured at a couch and told him, "Have a seat, Mr. Diamond. Dr. Lashley will be right with you.

James responded with a nervous smile, and sat down, hands gripping his knees as he studied the office he'd been left alone in, fighting the urge to bolt out the door. The couch he sat on was black leather, the desk across from him littered with pictures of a smiling, blonde woman and what he could only assume was her husband and children, and the bookshelf behind him was filled with worn textbooks with names such as _Principles of Psychology_ and _The Trauma of Rape_. Inwardly James cringed, once again doubting his decision. He was about to get up and leave when the door opened and the blonde woman from the photographs walked in.

"James?" She asked with a kind smile, walking towards him with a hand extended.

James nodded, standing up and shaking her hand. "Dr. Lashley?" He guessed.

She continued smiling, and nodded towards the couch, hinting for James to sit back down, which he did, and she went behind her desk, sitting in the chair and clasping her hands in front of her on the desktop. "Yes. You can call me Dr. Lashley, Dr. Dawn, Dr. L or even just Dawn, whatever you're most comfortable with."

James nodded mutely, cracking his knuckles nervously, and imagining how Logan would cringe at that, trying to calm himself down and remind himself this was for the best and that this was a good decision.

"You look nervous," the psychologist observed.

James just shrugged.

Dr. Lashley's smile didn't falter, she was used to people being uncomfortable around her, it was common for her patients to want to be anywhere but there for the first few sessions. "Would you like to tell me why you're here?"

James bit his lip, eyes wandering the room, focusing on anything and everything except for the lady in front of him. He studied the hunter green walls, stared out of the window onto the streets of New York City, glanced up and watched the ceiling fan spin in lazy circles.

"James?" Dr. Lashley gently probed. "Why don't we start out with you just telling me a little bit about yourself? Where are you from? What do you do?"

"Minnesota," James responded, barely above a whisper, still refusing to make eye contact. "But I haven't been back there in ages. I'm in a band, Big Time Rush, so I don't have a lot of time to visit home." He finally raised his head, looking at the doctor.

"Did you like it Minnesota?"

James considered lying, but then thought better of it. "No. I hated it there. After my mom died that place became absolute hell. I'd be happy never going back," he replied truthfully.

"How old were you when your mom died?"

"Young. Fifteen."

"And how did you handle that?"

"Better than my dad," James responded bitterly. His psychologist stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborate which he finally did. "Dad never really handled it, y'know? Just shut in on himself. Drank all the time, forgot I existed for a while."

"For a while?" Dr. Lashley repeated thoughtfully, hinting at James to elaborate.

"Yeah. He remembered about me once he decided I was a disgrace. Then he remembered me all too well."

"What makes you think he decided you were a disgrace?"

James' eyes clouded over and he bit his lip again, dropping his gaze and averting it towards the door. "Ya know what? This was a stupid idea." He jumped off the couch, walking to the door. "I'm sorry I wasted your time, doctor," He muttered, not giving her time to stop him before he bolted out the door and the office all together, ignoring the elevators in the hallway and jogging down the stairs, not stopping until he was back on the sidewalk, bent over, hands on knees, feeling like he was going to be sick and growing increasingly more agitated at the bright sunlight which didn't fit his current mood at all.

He'd thought he could handle it. That maybe Kendall had been right, and talking to a therapist would help, but he couldn't even deal with the small talk. How the hell was he supposed to make it through a session where they discussed what actually happened? He wouldn't. He couldn't. Once again, he felt like some pathetic weakling. Christ, little kids could deal with going to a psychologist and talking about their lives, but could he? No. Obviously. Yet another way in which he was a failure.

Sitting back on his haunches he glanced across the street where his eyes immediately focused on a neon bar sign that made his mouth begin to water. That was what he needed. A drink. Or the razor blade he kept tucked away in his wallet behind his driver's license. Or both.

"No, no, no," James mumbled under his breath to himself, glad he lived in New York where no one walking by even bothered to give a second glance to the man talking to himself and practically having a panic attack on the street. James stood up and backed up against the building, leaning against it and fishing his phone out of his pocket, hitting the first speed dial and bringing it to his ear, muttering, "C'mon, c'mon, pick the fuck up." He jiggled his left foot impatiently, his free hand twitching towards his wallet where the razor was and his eyes still focused on the bar sign across the street.

"James?" The person on the other end picked up in a questioning voice that was laced with traces of concern.

"Kendall, I need you. Now. Please. As fast as you can get here," James replied, rushing out an address close to their apartment and then hanging up without a good bye and shoving the phone back in his pocket.

He would kill for a Xanax right about now. Or five. Or a drink. Or his razor. Or…no, this wasn't helping. He needed to focus on something else. He needed to calm down and breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest, so loud and hard he was convinced he could hear and feel every beat as they drowned out the steady thrum of traffic and voices around him. He was having trouble with the simple task of breathing, his breath coming in quick, jagged inhales and shuttering exhales. A loud buzz began to overtake his ears, making everything else around him sound far off, as if he was listening to television from three rooms away. Every time he tried to concentrate his gaze on something other than the red glowing lights of the bar sign his vision blurred and no amount of blinking or shaking of his head would bring the world around him back into focus.

James squeezed his eyes shut and clasped his hands in front of him, gripping them tight together, trying to stop himself from going into the back pocket of his jeans.

* * *

"James?" Kendall asked a second time before realizing he'd hung up on him as quickly as he called. He brought his phone down from his ear, and typed in the address James had spouted off before he forgot it, relieved when he saw it was only a ten minute walk away.

Bolting out of his bedroom, concern for James dominating his every thought, Kendall ignored his other bandmates questions as to where he was headed in such a hurry, ran into James' room before exiting almost as quickly and rushed to the elevator, impatiently jabbing at the ground level button and trying not to let himself imagine the worst situations as he waited to reach the ground floor which it finally did after what felt like eons. Kendall sprinted out of their apartment building, figuring he could make it the few blocks way faster on foot than he could in his car, trying to deal with the insane New York City traffic. He didn't slow down until he was close to the address James had given him and he stopped short when he saw the other man, back pressed against the brick siding of the nondescript building behind him, hands tangled in his hair, chest heaving from heavy breathing, and left leg jiggling.

Kendall slowed down, approaching James cautiously. "J?" He asked softly when he was standing in front of his best friend.

James' eyes snapped opened immediately, his head twisting to the side where Kendall stood, the world around him finally coming back into focus and the white noise in his ears beginning to fade. "You told me to come to you," He said in a strained voice by way of explanation, not bothering to elaborate any further.

Kendall had a million things on the tip of his tongue, a thousand unsaid words he wanted to spill out, but he bit them all back, knowing that wasn't what James wanted or needed. Instead he swallowed all of his thoughts and feelings and responded with a sincere, "And I'm glad you did. But right now, why don't we just go home, huh?"

The panicked, tense look on James' face faded just a bit into one of relief and gratitude. He gave a slight nod, and straightened up, walking next to Kendall in a less than comfortable silence for a few seconds. James waited until Kendall was looking at him, and then he brought his index and middle finger towards his mouth, pressing them to his lips and pulling them away just as quickly, indicating he needed a cigarette. Kendall quickly dug one out of his pocket, handing it over to James, who took it with a half-smile of thanks, and then immediately mimicked flicking a lighter.

Kendall grinned and shook his head, but fished his lighter out of his pocket, handing that over as well, which James also took with a look of gratitude, sticking the cigarette between his lips and lighting it up, nodding thankfully at Kendall as he surrendered the lighter back to its original owner.

Kendall just nodded back, and then reached into his pockets, holding out a hand to James yet again, this time opening it up to reveal a small blue pill that James was more than familiar with.

"You, uh, kinda sounded like you needed this," Kendall said with a shrug.

James nodded briefly, taking the Xanax that Kendall offered, swallowing it dry with ease and then following that up with a hit of his bummed smoke.

They arrived in front of their apartment building, and Kendall went to open the front door, but James unexpectedly stopped short, hunching in on himself ever so slightly.

"You wanna…?" Kendall asked, trailing off with an indication towards the door.

James nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, uhm, I'm coming," He mumbled, following behind his friend through the front doors and all the way up to their apartment, keeping mum until they were in the privacy of their own home.

James froze again when they walked through the front door, the rest of his bandmates sitting right near the entrance and glancing up expectantly.

Kendall made a face at them and used his eyes to indicate they needed time alone before ushering James into his room.

"You wanna talk about it?" Kendall finally asked after a few moments of tense silence in which James stood by the door looking ready to bolt and Kendall sat on the bed, elbows resting on knees and hands lightly crossed at the wrists, looking concerned.

"I was at a therapist's office," James admitted barely above a whisper. "But I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Kendall I tried. I did, I really did, but I just…I can't fucking do it, all right?"

"Can't do what? Make an effort? Because obviously you can. The fact that you even tried to go there shows that. So you couldn't go through with it today. So fuckin' what? You tried, right? And when things went bad you called me. You didn't go across the street to that bar that I'm sure was calling your name. You didn't burn or cut yourself. You called me. That's progress, James. Do I like to see you in this state? No, of course not. But I do love knowing that you turned to me instead of alcohol or a blade."

"But who's to say I'll make that same decision next time?"

"And who's to say you won't? James, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this, you can beat this. All of this. I know it, I have complete faith in you. But I need you to have faith in yourself."

James closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and pointer and scrunching up his face. With a harsh sigh he turned, facing the wall instead of Kendall. "You should place your faith anywhere but in me."

Kendall stared at James' back, mouth agape, wishing that just once he could find the words needed to make James see himself the way Kendall saw him. To make the brunet stop doubting himself for five seconds. Standing up, Kendall walked behind James, encircling him from behind and resting his forehead on James' toned back.

"My faith has been placed exactly where it needs to be. In someone that I know is amazing and capable of conquering this world with nothing but his smile and charm."

James choked on the half laugh that made its way up his throat before Kendall's words really sunk in, and then he spun around, slipping his hands through Kendall's arms, bringing them up until they gripped the blonde's bony shoulders from behind, tight enough to cause a wince from Kendall, James choosing to ignore it or not aware of it all together, and shoving his face into the crook of the slightly shorter man's neck.

"Why can't you just be an asshole to me like I am to you?" James mumbled into Kendall's skin.

Kendall constricted his grip on James waist, clasping his hands behind the other man and gently shaking his head against James'. "You're always so hard on yourself, so judgmental and demeaning. Just stop. For five minutes, try to see the person I see, James. I promise you, you'll be blown away by how incredible of a person he is."

* * *

Carlos pulled away from the door to Kendall's bedroom, having the decency to shoot a guilt-ridden look at Logan, who apparently didn't share his sentiments, since the other male still had his ear pressed firmly against the wood, face wrinkled in concentration, trying to hear every private word exchanged between two of his best friends.

Carlos poked him in the side, hissing, "Logie!"

With a roll if his eyes and an annoyed look shot at the Latino, Logan glared. "What?" He hissed back.

"This doesn't concern us, let's just give them some privacy."

"Are you kidding me, Animal? Neither one of them are giving us anything straight to save their lives, no pun intended. We want to know what's going on than eavesdropping is our only option."

Logan went to press his ear back to the door, but Carlos gripped his bicep and yanked him away. "Jesus, Logan! What's gotten into you?"

"What are you talking about? I thought we were on the same side here, 'Los? Kendall and James don't belong together!"

Carlos stared at Logan for a minute, mouth opening and closing before he gathered his thoughts up enough to respond. "I didn't know there were 'sides', Logan. I thought we were just watching out to make sure neither of our friends got hurt in this spider web? When did this become _Twilight_ with team James and Team Kendall? I'm on both their teams, and maybe we were wrong. Maybe each other is exactly what they need! Listen to them, Log!"

Logan jerked out of Carlos grasp with a scoff. "Are you that fucking blind? They don't need each other! James needs to get over shit and Kendall needs to find someone who appreciates him!"

Carlos tilted his head, taking a step backwards. "Oh my God," He muttered in a disbelieving tone. "You like Kendall."

"What? No! That's ridiculous! What planet are you residing on, Animal? I have a girlfriend. I like girls, remember?" Logan scoffed, rolling his eyes and merely confirming Carlos' suspicions. Carlos shook his head before allowing his shoulder to rise and fall. "Whatever, Logan. When you're ready to be honest with me, you know where to find me," And for the first time in his life, Carlos was the one stomping out the front door, slamming it behind him as he headed towards the elevators, deciding to visit Stephanie and try to forget the ever-involving drama that resided within his band these days.

* * *

James breathed in deeply, cherishing the scent of cinnamon gum, generic deodorant, Davidoff Cool Water cologne, smoke and an unplaced, underlying citrus scent that all added up to nothing but Kendall himself. The smell was familiar, even as it invaded his nostrils, the scent overtaking him and causing him to drop his head farther into the crook of Kendall's neck, his grip on the blond tightening yet again.

James certainly couldn't explain what he felt at that moment, but all he knew for sure was for the first time in a long time he felt like he was home. Like he was somewhere that mattered, like _he_ mattered, like someone might actually notice if he didn't come home at the end of the night.

Without permission, his mind kindly reminded him of when Kendall had kissed him, replaying the feeling of the blonde's lips pressed against his, remembering how it had felt that morning to find Kendall snuggled into him, imagining how it would be to have that for life.

James could lie to Kendall and other's all he wanted, but deep down he knew what he wanted and what he wanted was Kendall. But he also knew how wrong that was, and what type of admonishment those types of feelings dealt you. So he shoved them away, pretending they didn't exist. Pretending he wasn't falling more and more in love with the blond man in front of him with each passing second. He would really appreciate if for once he could just lie to himself about how he was feeling and what he was thinking.


	17. Dynamics

_A/N: This may be one of my favorite chapters yet. It's also the longest to date. And we get some lighthearted, fun Kames moments. But don't worry, I got rid of those real quick like. You know me, I'm a sucker for angst and drama, no one can be happy and having fun for very long. Read, enjoy and review if you wish!_

* * *

"Dammit!' Logan said out loud with a sideways glance towards Kendall's firmly shut bedroom door. With a roll of his eyes he hurried out of the apartment. "C'mon, Carlos, wait up!" He hollered to his friend's retreating figure, who either didn't hear him or was ignoring him. He was pretty sure it was option number two. "Carlos, stop!" Logan demanded, catching up with him and grabbing him by a shoulder. "Let me explain."

Carlos shook him off and turned around, glaring at Logan. "Are you gonna be honest with me?"

"I am being honest! I promise you I have no feelings for Kendall!"

"Then why the big problem with him and James? Huh? The truth," Carlos crossed his arms, staring Logan down and managing to look intimidating despite his shorter stature. Logan didn't respond right away and after a bit Carlos let out a grumble of annoyance. "Well? Explain." He prompted in a voice that didn't bother to hide his irritation, crossing his arms over his chest, glaring at his band mate and tapping a foot impatiently.

"Look, I don't have feelings for Kendall, all right? I promise. That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"Can't we just leave it at that? I have my reasons," Logan avoided the question, raising a hand to scratch an imaginary itch on the back of his neck and breaking eye contact to study the intricate design of blue on blue that decorated the carpet in the hallway.

"No. You want me to even consider speaking to you right now than you owe me the truth," Carlos stood his ground, straightening his spine and staring Logan down, refusing to give in.

"You're not gonna like it," Logan warned after a few seconds of uneasy silence, still not meeting Carlos' stare.

"If it's honest than I'll like it a hell of a lot better than I like what you've giving me lately."

Logan fidgeted, hesitating, playing with a string hanging from the hem of his t-shirt and continuing to rub the nonexistent itch on his neck, and finally mumbling something under his breath that Carlos couldn't make out.

"What?"

Logan blew out a breath of air, dropped his hand from his neck and peered up at Carlos. "I don't think James and Kendall belong together because they're both guys," He muttered out in a rush, having the decency to look ashamed of his reasoning.

Carlos took an involuntary step backwards, away from Logan. "I'm sorry, but what?"

"You heard me," Logan replied, annoyance creeping into his voice.

Carlos just stared at him for a minute, mouth opening and closing like a fish, sputtering, unsure of how to respond to the news that one of his best friends had an issue with gay people. "Yeah, and now I kinda wish I hadn't. Are you seriously telling me you have an issue with gay people now?"

"Not now. Always. It's not right. It goes against everything God-"

Carlos cut him off mid-sentence, holding up a hand for silence. He studied Logan for a moment, trying to figure out if this was really the guy he'd known over half his life, wondering if he would ever change his opinion. In the end, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, and when he reopened them they weren't angry anymore, just sad and he gave a disappointed shake of his head. "I'm glad I obviously pray to a very different God than you if that's your reasoning," Carlos said quietly, turning away and exiting into the stairwell, leaving Logan standing alone by himself, dumbstruck on an island that none of his friends cared to join him on.

* * *

James pulled away from Kendall somewhat reluctantly, internally scolding himself for yet again being a pussy who couldn't handle what life threw at him, sick of the fact that lately he always felt the need to seek refuge in Kendall's arms.

"I'm hungry. You hungry? I think I'm gonna make some lunch, you want some lunch?" James began to ramble nervously as he turned from Kendall, shoving open the door and stepping out into the apartment, somewhat surprised to find the place empty, since when they'd gotten home fifteen minutes ago both Carlos and Logan had been sitting there, ready to pounce on them with questions and unnecessary concerns.

"James," Kendall began, wanting to reassure him it was okay, that he didn't think any less of him, but James cut him off.

"We should go out somewhere, I don't feel like cooking or cleaning up and I don't want a sandwich."

"James," Kendall tried again.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"James!" Kendall yelled, exasperated.

James finally stopped when Kendall raised his voice, turning and giving him a sheepish look. "Yes?" He asked, feigning innocence.

"It's okay, you know? To need someone else every once in a while. You don't always have to pull away immediately after," Kendall told him, finding himself growing sicker and sicker with the two steps forward, one step back that seemed to be James' healing process thus far. He loved it when James felt he could confide in him, and when he sought refuge and reassurance from him. But he despised the way James acted immediately after, almost as if he was embarrassed he may have shown a weakness, afraid that Kendall would think less of him afterwards, which couldn't have been farther from the truth. He wasn't sure how much longer he could handle the hot and cold James before he snapped.

James looked away, running a hand through his hair and down to his neck, allowing it to rest there afterwards before sighing heavily. "So do you wanna go get lunch with me or not?" He completely ignored what Kendall had said.

Kendall just shrugged in response before muttering a "Sure," annoyed that James had once again dodged a subject, ignored what he'd said. It was becoming a habit of James' that Kendall hated and wanted to change.

* * *

Carlos sat a table in an empty café by himself, his normal cheerful and carefree attitude long since forgotten as he replayed everything that had happened the past few days over in his head. He could pretty much feel the dynamics of the band unraveling and he wondered if they'd ever be able to recover from everything and be the same friends and the same band they'd been before. He tried not to dwell on the prominent worry in his mind that this may be the beginning of the end as far as Big Time Rush was concerned.

He was sure that the last thing any of them wanted was the end of the band, but with how messed up James was right now, not to mention the way he and Kendall were dancing around each other, combined with Logan's recently revealed homophobia…Carlos just wasn't sure how they could ever hope to remain friends, much less a band.

"This seat taken?" Carlos was pulled out of his thought by a voice that already brought comfort to him, and the owner of said voice placed a kiss on his cheek and sat down in the empty chair across from him.

"Steph," Carlos brightened considerably.

"So what's up? You sounded worked up on the phone?"

Carlos shrugged, not in the mood to rehash every detail of the past week but offered up a weak smile. "Just…band stuff, I guess. James has a bunch of shit going on and Logan and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now, to put it lightly. I just needed to be around someone who makes me happy without the drama," Carlos admitted.

Stephanie's smile grew, and she reached across the table, taking Carlos' free hand in her own. "You make me happy, too."

* * *

"C'mon!" James urged Kendall, sitting across from him at a table at an upscale restaurant in downtown Manhattan that specialized in unique and hard to find dishes. "We haven't done this since we were, what? Sixteen, seventeen?"

"Cause someone always ends up sick to their stomach!" Kendall argued back, reflecting on the nights in high school when he'd gone home and been physically ill after one of their guy's night traditions. "And that was when we were limited to the menus at some chain restaurant in Minnesota! No telling what we could find here!"

"Which only adds to the appeal," James argued. "Now go. I'm placing your order, then I'll come find you and you can order for me."

"I thought you were actually hungry?" Kendall gave one last attempt at getting out of the challenge.

"I am. But this is way more entertaining. I can't believe we haven't done this with all the countries we travel to lately."

Kendall groaned, shoving back his chair and standing up. "Fine. But prepare to lose this round, because I promise to find you the most disgusting item known to mankind."

James chuckled as Kendall stalked off, eyes searching the menu before him.

In middle school the two of them had started a ritual of going out to eat, only to send the other away from the table and order for them. The catch being that they would find the most repulsive and unappetizing meal on the menu for each other. The person who could choke down the most of their meal won, and the loser paid the bill.

James perused the menu, smirking slightly when his eyes landed on something he recognized and knew would turn Kendall's stomach just as the waiter appeared at the table.

"Would you like to wait for your friend to return before you order, Mr. Diamond?"

"No, actually he told me what he want. He would like an order of the Rocky Mountain Oysters."

"Excellent. And for you, sir?"

"Oh, I'm not sure yet. Can you come back for my order in a minute?" James smiled charmingly up at the waiter, handing over his menu.

"Of course," The waiter took the menu from him and as soon as he was gone James got up from the table, heading towards the back where he found Kendall sulking by the restrooms.

"Your turn," He grinned.

"I should be scared, shouldn't I?" Kendall asked, knowing better than to trust the smile on James' face at that moment.

"What? No, of course not!"

"Uh-huh. Just wait," Kendall muttered, walking off towards the table, immediately picking up his own menu as he settled into his seat, eyes scanning the paper. He pulled out his phone, bringing up Google and typing in random items he didn't recognize, knowing that James would never go to all that trouble and would just settle on something that he recognized on sight, thus giving Kendall the upper hand.

He typed one particular item into his phone, laughing to himself as he read the description, knowing he had this round won just as the waiter appeared back at the table.

"Mr. Diamond gave me your order, sir, but asked me to come back for his?"

"Oh, yeah, uh, he had to go to the restroom, but he asked me to order him the _Sannakji_, please," Kendall couldn't hide his smug grin as he relinquished his menu.

"Very well, can I get anything else for you sir?"

"Oh, yeah, we're definitely going to need a bottle of your highest priced Irish whiskey."

"Very well, Mr. Knight. I'll have the whiskey brought right out and your meals should be prepared shortly after."

"Thanks," Kendall grinned as the waiter excused himself just as James reappeared at the table, sliding into the chair across from him.

"Now I know what you meant about the look on my face," James grumbled, taking in the evil smile on Kendall's face and wondering what he'd gotten himself into.

"I have no idea what you mean. I ordered you an extremely appetizing seafood dish."

"I bet," James snorted.

"I also got whiskey."

James perked up at this until he remembered Kendall thought he had a drinking problem and if his friend was willingly ordering him his favorite drink, then whatever dish he had also ordered for him was probably going to be the worst one to date.

* * *

Logan lounged on Camille's couch, doing his best to ignore the curious, worried glance she was continuously shooting his way.

"Okay, I give," His girlfriend finally stated. "What's up with you? What happened?"

Logan let out a slightly exaggerated sigh. "Nothing," He muttered under his breath with no conviction whatsoever.

"Bullshit," Camille stated plainly, the ease with which she swore throwing Logan off guard since Camille pretty much never used that type of language unless it was for an acting job.

"I'm just…not exactly seeing eye to eye with the guys right now. Had a fight with Carlos earlier," he admitted with a shrug of his tense shoulders, trying to play it off as no big deal.

"About what?" Camille prodded.

Logan didn't respond, instead turning his head to stare out of the window of her apartment to the streets below, wanting nothing more than to be one of the nameless faces wandering the streets.

"Just…stuff," He blew off her inquiry.

Camille took the hint, knowing Logan wasn't in the mood to share and that she wouldn't be getting the real story out of him anytime that night.

"Well, I'm sure it'll blow over. This is you guys. You've never found a difference you couldn't overcome and I'm sure whatever is going on now will blow over in a few days," She reassured her boyfriend with a slightly forced smile, placing a hand on his back and rubbing small circles with her fingertips on the top of his spine. "It'll all work out in the end, you'll see," She told him, always the positive, glass half full type.

Logan snorted in response. "Yeah, sure. I'm sure everything going on with James will just blow right the fuck over and I'm sure Kendall will pull his head out of his ass and I'm sure Carlos will quit judging me for my beliefs."

"What exactly is going on with James? You guys keep referring to something, but no one ever goes into details."

Logan stalled a second before answering, taking a gulp from his drink and placing a hand on Camille's knee. "It's not really my place to say," He told Camille with an apologetic look. He may not agree with what his friends were doing right now, but that didn't meant he cared about them any less, and that didn't mean he felt he had any right to go airing James' dirty laundry, even if it was just to his longtime girlfriend. "It's not that I don't want to tell you, but the stuff he's going through is really personal and it took him years to even admit it to us. I don't think he's comfortable with anyone knowing what's going on right now and I don't think it would be fair of me to decide for him who knows. I'm sorry."

Camille smile, placing a kiss on Logan's cheek. "You have nothing to be sorry for. One of the things I love most about you is how much you care about your friends. If and when James wants me to know then I will. But until then, just remind him he has more friends than he knows and I'm here if he needs anything as well."

Logan gave her a tight lipped smile, rubbing a hand up and down her leg absently, replaying his fight with Carlos in his head. He'd never seen the other one so angry with him before, and he'd certainly never thought he'd ever disappoint one of his friends like that. But his beliefs and opinions were _his_ and what right did Carlos have to tell him they were wrong?

He was allowed to feel how he felt about the subject, wasn't he? People belonged with someone of the opposite sex, that's just the way it was. That's how God intended it, and Logan couldn't help it if he didn't agree with his friend's choices and opinions. And if they had a problem with that than they could just go fuck themselves. Or each other since that was what they obviously wanted.

"You mind if I stay here tonight?"

* * *

"All right," Kendall held up his glass again, indicating James' glass with a nod of his head which James picked up, raising his as well. "What are we toasting this time?" For the first time in what felt like a long time, James and Kendall were just hanging out, laughing and joking and it felt nice. To take a break from all the drama, the seriousness and the pain and the worry and the questions and unease that had encompassed their friendship lately. Kendall hadn't realized how much he'd missed just hanging out with James, talking about nothing and acting immature. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed their friendship before everything surfaced and changed the subtleties of it, forcing them into issues they were ill-prepared to tackle.

James shook his head, amused that after just a few shots Kendall was already getting tipsy. He knew the blond rarely got drunk and even more rarely drank hard liquor, but it was still funny how much of a lightweight he could be. James thought a second. "Okay, here's to you, here's to me, I hope we never disagree. But if we do, fuck you, here's to me," James laughed, clinking his glass against Kendall's and swallowing the rest of the whiskey.

Kendall shook his head. "That's a lovely toast, J," He commented, drinking his down as well. He was about to pour them both another glass when the waiter appeared at the table, setting a plate down in front of Kendall and telling James he would be right back with his dish.

"Well this doesn't look too bad," Kendall examined the plate of fried food in front of him. "What is it?" He asked suspiciously.

"Rocky Mountain Oysters."

"What the hell is…Oh! Oh, ew! Really, James? You ordered me deep fried bull testicles?"

"Well, you know, I figured now that you may be gay or whatever you should get used to the taste of nuts in your mouth."

Kendall's mouth dropped open. "You did not just say that!" He exclaimed, trying not join in James' snickering. "I will stab you in the throat with my fork," He threatened as their waiter reappeared, placing a covered dish in front of James. "Anything else, gentleman?"

"No, we're good," James smiled, waiting until he walked away, then eyeing Kendall across the table who looked way too anxious for him to take the cover off of his food.

"Well, go on," Kendall urged.

Cautiously James removed the lid, tilting his head as he studied his plate. "Dude! What the hell is this, K? It's fuckin' moving!" He pointed out unnecessarily.

Kendall almost fell off his seat laughing at the look of disbelief on James' face.

"What the hell is this?"

"_Sannakji_."

"And what the hell is that?"

"Live octopus?"

"I'm not putting some small wiggling thing in my mouth!" James protested.

Kendall quirked an eyebrow at him, covering his mouth with his hand and snickering behind it at his friend's choice of words.

"Really?" James asked, half-hearted exasperation lingering in the back of his words.

Kendall nodded gleefully, and with a smirk, put his fork to his plate, stabbing a bite of the food before and shoving it in his mouth before he had time to hesitate. He immediately gagged, though, causing the elder male across the table from him to be the one smirking now. "Taste good?"

"Fuck you. Tastes like chicken. Your turn," Kendall responded somewhat spitefully around the bite in his mouth, willing himself not to get sick.

James knew Kendall expected him to give in without eating a single bite, but James' was never one to back down from a challenge. He skewered a bite on his fork and held it up, examining it. He got that cocky look that Kendall was beginning to find to be a major turn on back adorning his face, and with as much conviction as his blond friend, he brought the squirming tentacle towards his mouth.

"Do it."

With the same look of contempt given to Kendall that the blond had given him a minute ago James popped it in his mouth, making faces as he chewed.

"Make sure you chew it really well, otherwise one of those suction cups will get stuck in your throat and you'll choke and die," Kendall advised with a serious face, ducking the piece of octopus James threw at his head and glancing at the wait staff. Good thing they were able to get away with this type of behavior in fancy restaurants.

James finally choked the piece down and grabbed the whiskey, drinking straight from the bottle.

"Dude, it suctions to your cheeks. And I do not enjoy having things little worm-like things wiggling in my mouth. In fact, you should try it. I bet this is right up your alley!"

"Are we done with the gay jokes now?"

"Oh, not even close."

* * *

James and Kendall stumbled into the apartment, hours later, Kendall having his wits about him quite a bit more so than James, who, like always, had drank to excess, but Kendall was tipsy nonetheless. They'd stayed at the restaurant until the whiskey was gone, and James had paid the bill, since he'd flat out refused to touch another bite of his food and Kendall had victoriously eaten a second bite.

After leaving the restaurant, James had led the blond to a bar close by where they'd finally had a proper meal of cheeseburgers, fries and more whiskey. At some point they'd ended up at a nightclub, with Kendall leaning against a bar, drinking as he watched the man he was falling in love with dance and grind up against nameless women all night. If there was one thing James could do, it was dance. Kendall…not so much. He was content to watch the other move on the floor, sipping on a drink while trying to shut out the voice in the back of his head that was scolding him for not only letting, but _encouraging_ James to drink that night.

He still wasn't positive what had made him order the bottle at the table, what had come over him. Maybe he'd just wanted to see the brunet laughing and smiling again. He missed the lighthearted James of the past, who cared about nothing except for his looks and what chick he was going to sleep with that night. Of course, that James had just been an illusion, a trick of the eye, a character James had been playing for half his life. So how could Kendall miss something that had never truly existed in the first place?

"Animal! Logie-Bear!" James sing-songed as he tripped over the threshold. His inquiry was met with silence, though. Turning to Kendall he gave a shrug of his shoulders. "Guess they aren't coming home tonight?"

"Guess not," Kendall agreed around yawn, bringing his hand up over his mouth and trying to stifle it.

"Tired?" James laughed with a backwards glance, walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water which he guzzled down in one long swallow. Kendall tried to ignore the way the other male's lips worked the top of the bottle as he swallowed, shoving aside the thought of what other talents James certainly held with his mouth, cursing his intoxicated mind since James had made it abundantly clear nothing would ever happen between them.

"Yeah," Kendall responded, eyes darting towards his bedroom door. He was ready to escape there so he could take care of himself and then sleep until noon. "Think I'm gonna go pass out," He mumbled. "Night."

"Night," James responded, already wandering away towards the living room.

Kendall watched him saunter off for a few seconds, wishing he knew what brand of jeans James was wearing so he could send the designer a thank you card. _Quit!_ His brain scolded him.

He shut the door to his room, stripping down to his boxers and climbing in bed, lying on his back and allowing a hand to travel south, skimming over his hardness in desperate need of relief. Hard liquor always made him so horny and tonight was no exception. Gripping himself he inhaled sharply, sucking in a breath between his tightly clenched teeth, finally getting some of the friction he needed so badly after watching James dance and sitting so close to him in the cab ride home.

Without consent his mind began to provide him with explicit mental images of him and James, fantasy after fantasy flitting through his head in graphic detail. He was getting close when he heard a sharp knock on his bedroom door.

"K, you still awake?" The object of his desire's voice rang through crystal clear, causing Kendall to panic slightly and feel guilty as hell that he'd practically been caught in the act of jerking off to his best friend _by_ his best friend. His _straight_ best friend. Who was pretty much sickened by the idea of two men being together.

"Yeah," He hollered back, tucking himself away and trying to make his voice sound like he was almost asleep, wishing for the first time that James would go away and save him from his guilt and embarrassment.

No such luck, of course, the door creaked open, before being thumped back shut and Kendall could just barely make out the silhouette of James stalking towards his bed.

As James drew closer, Kendall could make out more of his features, like the glassiness of his hazel eyes that glinted in the moonlight streaming through his window, the lazy, confident smirk that played at his lips, twisting them up in a way that was so sexy it was barely fair, and the fact that James was wearing nothing except for a pair of too tight and extremely too revealing black boxer briefs.

"James?" Kendall questioned, as the other man reached the foot of his bed, climbing in and joining Kendall.

Only this time he didn't lie down next to the blond. And he wasn't looking for comfort from nightmares and memories. Instead he was crawling over top of the blond, hands placed firmly on either side of Kendall, resting his weight on the blond, hovering above him, their faces mere inches apart.

"What are you doing?" Kendall asked, breath hitching, eyes searching, brain practically shutting down due to the closeness of the elder male to himself.

"This," James responded in a husky tone, leaning his face the rest of the way down, capturing the Kendall's lips with his own, wasting no time in bringing his hands into play; gripping Kendall's hip in one while his other began trailing up the blonde's thigh, grinding his pelvis downwards and smirking into Kendall's mouth when he felt how hard the other man already was.

Kendall couldn't stop himself and he let a moan slip from his mouth, only for it to escape into James', whose smirk grew, swallowing the moan, his hand finally finding its target as he cupped Kendall between their bodies. "Thinking about me?" He asked into Kendall's lips in a cocky voice, not missing the fact that the man below him was hard as a rock.

Something about that statement brought Kendall to his senses, and he brought his own hands up, placing them on James' chest and shoving him up and off him. "James, stop," He panted, using every single ounce of willpower he possessed, since the last thing he currently wanted was for James to stop.

James tilted his head above him, assured grin still on his face. "You don't want me to stop."

"Yes, I do. Because you're drunk out of your mind right now and you're going to regret this in the morning."

"Maybe, but I can still enjoy it tonight," James replied, attempting to bring his face back down to Kendall's, but he was thwarted by Kendall shoving him off more forcibly this time and scooting out from under him, sitting up and glaring at him.

"James I said stop!"

James shot Kendall a glare of his own. "You seemed to want it the other night. When you kissed me," He reminded him, the misplaced anger in his voice not escaping Kendall.

"And I still do! But you don't! You're wasted James and if we went through with this you'd wake up in the morning with regrets, hating yourself and hating me for letting it happen. Because unless you forgot, you aren't a 'fag'" Kendall made air quotes. "Like me. And if you only want me this way when you're drunk then thanks, but no thanks. I have feelings too, you know, and it's fucked up for you to play them against me, trying to use me to get off because you're sloshed, horny, and currently uninhibited! I'm not going to be your drunken, experimental one night stand. Just go sleep it off, James. In your own bed. And if you still feel this way in the morning, when you're _sober_, then we'll talk."

James gave a dry laugh, standing up. "Whatever, Kendall. Don't say I never tried," He told him, the malice still in his voice, not used to being rejected, refusing to see the truth in Kendall's words through the alcoholic haze in his mind. He walked out of Kendall's bedroom, slamming the door behind him so hard Kendall wouldn't have been surprised if he got a call of complaint from a neighbor.

* * *

James groaned from his bed, hand shooting out from the covers, scrambling for the phone on his bedside table that was making all that obnoxious racket.

"'Lo?" He answered it groggily, bringing the phone to his ear. Squinting at the clock next to him he hoped whoever this was had a damn good excuse for calling him at six thirty in the fucking morning.

"J-James?"

"Katie?" James mumbled back, confused, sitting up slightly, knowing something had to be wrong if his best friend's sister was calling him at this time of night. "What is it, what's wrong?"

"I need you to come pick me up," The college student spoke in a hesitant voice, sounding scared and almost like she'd been crying. Two things James had never seen Katie be or do before.

"Um, yeah, yeah, ok," James replied, shaking himself awake. "Why? Where are you?"

"I'm, uh, I don't know where I am. Close to you, I think?"

James was on high alert now, sitting the rest of the way up, wondering what was going on with the typically level-headed and with it girl that was causing her to sound so out of it. He figured she was drunk, but that didn't help him know where she was to pick her up. "Okay, Katie, I need to know more than that. Do you recognize anything around you? Any landmarks? Street signs?"

"88th," Katie responded after a minute in which James figured she'd been searching for a street sign.

"Okay, that's good. East or West?" James reached over, hauling his laptop onto his bed and quickly logging on.

"E-east."

"Okay. Is there an intersection near you? Another street sign? Can you tell me what corner you're near?"

"First Avenue," The answer came again after a minute of silence.

"Okay," James replied, bringing up Google Maps on his laptop and typing in the intersection. "There should be a place right near you called _Luigi's Pizzeria_. Do you see it?"

"Uh-huh."

"Okay, I want you to walk there. If they're open, go in. If not, find a secluded spot near the entrance and wait there for me, okay? I'm gonna get Kendall and we'll be there as soon as we can," James reassured the teen, already having shoved his laptop to the side and yanking on a discarded pair of jeans and a shirt from his floor, eyes scanning his bedroom for his keys and wallet which he finally found on top of his dresser.

"No!" Katie shouted, startling James so much he dropped his car keys and had to bend over to retrieve them off the floor. "Don't wake up Kendall. Please James, come alone. Please."

"Ooookay," James responded slowly, his worry and confusion racketing up even more now, wondering what was going on that Katie didn't want Kendall to know about. "Ok, K 2.0, just do what I said, and don't move. I'm on my way, but I want you to stay on the phone with me, okay? Can you do that?"

"Yes," The whispered response was a far cry from the shout she'd just given, but James ignored it, jogging out the front door and down the stairs into the parking garage, swearing as he got in his car and realized he'd never bothered to hook up any type of hands free device. And there was no way he could drive a stick and talk on the phone at the same time.

"Ok, Katie, I can't stay on the phone with you, but I will be there in a couple minutes, are you somewhere safe?"

"I'm in the restaurant."

"Okay, good, good. Stay there and _don't move_, got it? Don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone, don't even get up to use the restroom, just stay put. I'll be right there. Promise," James didn't wait for a response, shoving his phone in his pocket, and the car into gear, leaving tire marks behind as he screeched out of the parking garage and onto the streets at a dangerous speed.

* * *

James parked his car illegally in a fire zone directly outside of the pizzeria, hopping out of it and hurrying into the small restaurant, eyes searching frantically for Katie, finding her sitting alone at a small booth near the back, head hung low with her hair in her face. Breathing a sigh of relief, James walked towards her, stiffening when he noticed more of her physical appearance. Makeup smeared on her face from crying, a bruise forming on her right cheekbone, another near the left side of her jaw, and a black-eye already decorating the left side of her face as well. Her sparkly blue top was torn up at the neck, her tights had runs and tears in them, and she was missing her right shoe.

"Katie?" James asked softly, crouching by her table, trying not to startle her.

Katie looked up, and immediately burst into tear. "James!" She wailed, in a very un-Katie like fashion, getting up and throwing herself into his arms.

"Shhh, hey, hey it's okay. It's okay. I'm here. What happened Katie? What's going on?" James couldn't keep the concern and worry from creeping into his voice as he hugged the slim brunette back, patting her hair, offering her what comfort he could, his mind already tossing out possibility after possibility, each one worse than the last.

When she didn't answer him James pulled back, keeping his hands on Katie's slender shoulders, using one to tilt her chin up so she was looking at him. "Katie, I need to know what happened," he said in a firm but gentle tone.

"I was on a date-" James stifled a curse, not interrupting Katie but having a bad feeling where this conversation was headed. Katie continued, "With this guy from my Intro To Business class. It was going fine, good in fact, He invited back to his off campus apartment for a drink. And then, I don't know…" Katie trailed off, breaking eye contact, studying the tiles on the floor.

"And then what?" James pushed, even though he knew with a sinking heart he had an idea where this story was headed,

"We got in his apartment. Had a couple drinks. I started to feel…weird. Not drunk, worse than that, y'know," Katie was babbling now, as if she was trying to get the whole story out before she lost her nerve, having broken eye contact again, too embarrassed to look at James.

"He kept…trying stuff, y'know? And I kept telling him no, but I could barely push him off. He got mad. Really mad."

James felt his heart clench, wishing this was some type of fucked up dream. Wishing he didn't empathize with the girl before him. Wanting to find the man responsible and beat the ever living shit out of him. But he kept his ever growing rage hidden for the time being, sucking in a sharp inhale between his teeth, silently urging Katie to continue. Wondering how far it had gone.

"Katie?" James asked in a soft but strained voice. "Did he…" James was the one trailing off this time, unable to complete the sentence.

Katie raised her head momentarily, giving it a vicious shake. "No!" She protested, cheeks heating in embarrassment. "But…almost. I….I shoved him away. Which is how I received these," She gesture towards the various bruises on her face, James stomach clenching in revulsion and vindictiveness again, already planning what he would do to the punk when he found him. "I kneed him between the legs and took off before he could really do…anything."

James allowed himself an exhale of relief at this, but the wrath he felt towards whoever would pull this shit was growing by the second. He was sick of watching people pick on others, take advantage of them, trying to force what they wanted, the other person's thoughts and feeling be damned.

"I need you to take me to where he lives, Katie," James informed the girl, mouth set in a hard line, jaw clenching and unclenching, malevolence obvious in his voice, not bothering to hide the fact that he planned on giving the guy who'd thought he could take advantage of Kendall's younger sister a thorough working over once he found him.

If some fucking piece of shit frat kid thought he could get away with drugging, beating and attempting to rape his best friend's little sister, than that douchebag had a kick in the balls of reality headed his way if James had anything to say and do about it.


	18. Rage

_A/N: Filler to get me over the hump and writer's block I've been experiencing...sorry not sorry. With any luck this will be back on track soon._

* * *

The fact that it was seven thirty in the morning didn't stop James from pounding on the door in front of him, his rage blocking out all common sense and causing him to ignore Katie, cowering behind him, telling him that maybe this wasn't such a good idea and they should just let it go.

The door to the apartment swung open and James found himself staring at a lanky, raven haired college kid. "What the hell is your problem?" The guy greeted him, looking none too happy to have been woken up so early and so rudely. "And who the hell are you?"

"Right now, I'm your worst fuckin' nightmare, kid," James seethed, gripping the front of the kids t-shirt and hauling him out into the hallway.

"Hey! What the fuck! I don't know what your problem is man, but you have the wrong person."

James slammed him against the wall next to his door, just as a neighbor came out of the apartment on the other side, complaining about the noise. James ignored the neighbor though, his attention focused only on the guy who had harmed his best friend's little sister. "I doubt that," James growled. "You may not know me, but I'm guessing you know my friend here," James nodded in the direction of Katie, who was standing off to the side, begging James to let him go and just take her back to her dorm.

"Is that what this about? Man, I don't know what that little slut told you-"

James didn't let him finish his sentence, bringing his free arm back and surging it forward with impressive strength right into the kid's face, disturbingly satisfied by the sickening sound of breaking bones he heard when his fist connected with the kids jaw. "That 'little slut' happens to be my best friend's little sister, and you just so happened to pick the wrong girl to try your date rape bullshit with. How many other girls have you forced yourself on? Didn't your mother ever teach you that no means no? Is drugging some girl the only way you can get laid? Because next time you even _consider_ pulling this shit with anyone, just remember how it feels to wake up in the hospital, a broken bloody mess because you couldn't keep it in your pants," James hissed at him, right back up in his face, only to bring his arm back a second time, and a third time. Over and over again, James let every emotion and feeling he'd been holding in for eight years surface through his fists, paying the kid back with his fury for crimes he hadn't committed, too blinded by his hate and anger to stop and realize what he was doing.

James was too deafened by his own temper and the memories of his uncle and father's cruel voices to hear Katie screaming for him to stop in the background. He was too blinded by the vision of Katie, bruised and crying and the images of what he'd suffered through to see the small crowd that had gathered in the hallway. He didn't stop until he was forcibly removed, and his fingers were wrenched out of the guy's shirt, who crumpled to the ground, beaten and bloody. Instead of remorse, James merel y felt a sick sense of satisfaction.

* * *

Kendall was awoken at nine to the sound of James crooning a rock ballad in his ear, and he batted blindly at his phone, annoyed that he hadn't remembered to silence his alarm. It took Katie three tries until her brother finally realized it wasn't a forgotten an alarm, but his actual ringtone. "What?" He muttered into the receiver, yanking his phone out of the charger, cursing his decision to drink earlier and the headache it was giving him now.

"Kendall?"

"Katie? Fuck, it's early," He murmured, even though it really wasn't that early. "What's going on? Can this wait?"

"No," Katie choked out through the other end of the phone, where she stood shaken in the waiting room at the police station. "It's James."

"James? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he still asleep in his bed. Why didn't you call him directly?" Kendall was mumbling as he climbed out of bed, planning to head into James' room and throw his phone at him since he thought Katie wanted to speak to him.

"_No_, Kendall. I'm with James. Sort of. I need you to come to the police station at 102nd East Street and bail James out of jail."

Kendall stopped at the door to his bedroom, grabbing the frame for support. "Wait, what? I don't think I'm hearing you clearly, Katie. You want James to bail you out of jail?"

"No!" Katie yelled, growing frustrated. "I need you to come the police station. On 102 East. And bail James out."

"James isn't in jail. He's here, at the apartment, sleeping," Kendall argued, righting himself and stumbling towards James' bedroom so he could sort this mess out once and for all.

"No he's not."

Kendall got to James' room and shoved the door open, peering in and seeing and empty bed and an empty room. "No, he's not," He agreed quietly. "Katie, what's going on? James went to bed here, I'm sure of it. How is he at the police station in jail now?"

"Because I needed someone and like an idiot I called him! Just get down here!" Katie huffed into the phone, hanging up without giving her brother a chance to respond.

Kendall tried to shake the last of sleep from his mind as he pulled his phone away from his face and stared at it, confused. He checked both of his other roommate's rooms and found them empty as well.

"Guess I'm going to the police station for answers," He muttered, trying to decide if he was more annoyed, worried or anxious. He ended up settling on a three way tie.

* * *

Kendall walked through the front doors of the police station and was immediately assaulted by a mass of brown hair hugging him tight, sobbing into him and refusing to let go.

"Katie, what the-" Kendall tried to extract himself from the small brunette, still hazy on the details, not completely positive why he was at the police station at half past nine in the morning after he'd been out drinking until after two.

"Oh my God, Kendall, it was horrible, he was so scary, I thought I should call him because maybe he'd understand., but then he met him and he just flipped and-" Katie still had him in a tight grip and was babbling into his t-shirt about stuff and Kendall wasn't following along.

"What? Who was scary? Katie what the hell is going on?"

Katie pulled back, eyes still bright with tears. "It's kind of my fault," She whispered.

"Okay, I'm gonna need specifics. Why is James in jail? Who was scary? And what is your fault?" Kendall asked, growing worried as he took in his sister's appearance, noticing the bruises on her face for the first time.

"Did he do that to you?!"

"What? No! Don't be stupid," Katie scoffed, sounding more like herself.

"Okay, good," Kendall muttered. "Now what the hell is going on?"

* * *

"Logie. Logan. Logan!" Camille shook her boyfriend's lifeless body awake, barely giving him time to adjust to the bright sun streaming in through the window before she was shoving a piece of paper under his nose. "Any idea what this about?" She asked, Logan groaning and rubbing sleep from his eyes as he took the paper she was holding out, trying to wake himself up and study the tabloid she'd thrown at his face at the same time.

"Camille, what the?"

"Read!" She demanded, indicating the tabloid with an impatient shake of her head. Rolling his eyes Logan began to read.

_It's certainly no well-kept secret that Rock & Roll's bad boy, James Diamond likes his women and likes his booze. It's also widely known that Mr. Bad Boy himself has quite the temper (Oh c'mon! We aren't the only ones who recall that nasty bar fight with another unnamed bad boy of rock that ended with both singers in jail facing criminal charges!) But it seems that this time, Mr. Diamond may have dug himself into a ditch even he can't buy his way out of. _

_Diamond was arrested early Sunday morning on account of disturbing the peace and violent criminal charges. Apparently, the young star had himself just a bit too much to drink and felt it was necessary to launch himself at the first available target, a college student who remains unnamed and is currently in critical care thanks to Mr. Diamond himself._

_According to an eyewitness, Mr. Diamond was 'a force to be reckoned with' as he repeatedly beat the unsuspecting teen while a young woman (later identified as none other than band mate Kendall Knight's younger sister, Katie) stood behind him screaming for him to stop. So what exactly caused this characteristic display of violence? That is something only Mr. Diamond and his closest of friends can answer. So…Mr. Diamond? What exactly do you have to say on this subject?_

Logan blinked repeatedly, sitting up and fumbling for his glasses, placing them on his face and re-reading the article. "Is this some kind of joke?" He asked Camille.

"No. That, was this morning's paper. Well, the late edition anyway. Any ideas?"

Logan didn't answer, already scrolling through his phone and calling James first, unsurprised when no one answered. He sighed and brought up Kendall's number but had no luck there either and finally with a curse he gave in and dialed Carlos who answered right before voicemail kicked in.

"I take it you saw the paper?" Carlos asked, pleasantries be damned.

"Yeah, any idea what's going on?"

"Nope. And I can't get ahold of James, Kendall or Katie."

"Same," Logan groaned, climbing out of bed and pulling on a pair of sweats. "Meet me at the apartment?"

"See ya there," Carlos responded in a clipped voice, not hiding that he was still annoyed with Logan.

"I gotta go," Logan said apologetically to Camille, who was already handing him his t-shirt.

"I know," She replied with a smile.

"I'll call you when I know more. Wanna grab dinner tonight? I've got something I want to talk over with you."

"Sounds like a plan. Give the guys my best."

* * *

Kendall slid a check made out for an exorbitant amount of money across the desk and gave the person behind it a tight lipped smile.

"Don't know why I have to pay to get him out of jail when it sounds like the dick had it coming," He muttered to Katie, sitting back down next to her in the waiting room of the police station.

Katie shot him a look.

"What?" Kendall asked. "The guy tried to force himself on you, Katie! You're telling me you don't appreciate what James did? Cause I sure as hell do."

"You weren't there, Kendall. It was terrifying. I've never been afraid of James until last night."

"He was sticking up for you!" Kendall argued, turning to face his little sister.

"Yeah. But he was also dead set on destroying Paul! Kendall you don't get it, you weren't there. If the police hadn't shown up, James could have killed someone. He wasn't in his right mind, okay? He lost it. Someone is in the hospital fighting for their life because of him!"

"Someone who couldn't take no for an answer," Kendall responded, still thinking James was in the right, refusing to acknowledge how close James was to breaking and losing control.

Katie opened her mouth to reply but James came out, holding a bag that contained his wallet, phone and keys.

He stood awkwardly in front of the sibling for a minute, rubbing his temple with his free hand before holding up the bag and shaking it so his car keys rattled. "Dude, where's my car?" He asked with a half-hearted smile.

Kendall grinned, standing up and clapping James on the back, all animosity from the night before temporarily forgotten. "C'mon," He said with a laugh, motioning towards the exit with head. "You coming, Katie?"

"I'm just going to take a cab back to school," She said softly, escaping out the front doors before either man could stop her.

James hung his head, shrugging and pretending he wasn't aware that Katie was running off because he scared the college teen.

"Let's just get you home, ok? We can pick up your car later," Kendall sighed, slinging an arm casually around James' shoulder.

James nodded, and followed Kendall out to a waiting cab, allowing the blond to lead him since his eyes were following another yellow cab pulling away, with Katie in the back seat.

"I messed up," James stated quietly after a few tense minutes of silence in the back of the cab.

"No you didn't," Kendall disputed. "You did the same thing Carlos, Logan or myself would have done."

"No, Kendall, I didn't. You can tell yourself over and over again you would have responded that way but you wouldn't have. Would you have punched dude's lights out? Yeah, no doubt. But can you honestly tell me you would have continued your rampage when the kid collapsed to the ground unconscious?"

Kendall shifted uncomfortably, knowing James had a point. Knowing the brunet had gone a bot overboard. But also knowing that he had had his reasons. That James hadn't only been seeing some college frat boy in front of him who had tried unsuccessfully to rape Katie.

"I need help, Kendall," James finally admitted in a soft voice, looking down, refusing to make eye contact. "All I could think of was my uncle and my dad. What I went through, and how no one should have to go through that. Knowing that someone tried to take advantage of Katie in the same way…I dunno. I lost it. I snapped."

"Then we get you help."

"I tried therapy, remember? I couldn't hang."

"Then I'll go with you."


End file.
